quote:

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Marlo almost didn’t see the injured fayli in the blazebush. The leaves of the blazebush were shades of yellow, gold, orange and red all year round, helping the bright rainbow featherscales of the fayli to blend in. But its mate hadn’t yet finished covering up the hidey hole in the bush with broken branches, and Marlo passed by at just the right angle to peer inside.

The fayli looked pretty bad; its featherscales were dull and limp, and it hooted soft discordant chimes from its tubesnout. Marlo couldn’t help staring, fascinated, at the once-beautiful creature. She’d never seen one up close. Rumors had it that the fayli nested at the very tops of the Trees, but so far they hadn’t done so in a Tree inhabited by humans. They were shy creatures, for all their bright plumage, and though they loved to sing intricate melodies with their tubesnouts Marlo had only caught snatches of sound on the wind a couple of times.

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It sounds good so far.

[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited July 28, 2005).]
 

The information in this snippet was compelling enough that I would keep reading to figure it out. I had trouble understanding the sequence of the first paragraph. It felt choppy, so I took a close look at it.

1. Marlo almost didn’t see the injured fayli in the blazebush.
2. The leaves of the blazebush were shades of yellow, gold, orange and red all year round, helping the bright rainbow featherscales of the fayli to blend in.
3. But its mate hadn’t yet finished covering up the hidey hole in the bush with broken branches,
4. and Marlo passed by at just the right angle to peer inside.

At end of the first sentence, you mention the fayli. Since it's the important object in that sentence, the next sentence would work better if you began with the fayli, instead of the blazebush. In the third sentence, you introduce a mate, which adds some confusion, especially when you break the sentence and go to Marlo peering inside. I think it's causing your prose to become disjointed. Also, in this first graph, you introduce several unfamiliars--a fayli, a blazebush, featherscales, and a hidey hole habitat. You worked these things into the text well, but the elements make it hard for me to figure out exactly what's what.

Hope this helps a bit.

[This message has been edited by DavidGill (edited July 28, 2005).]
 

In the second sentence I think it would be a smoother read if you omitted either bright or rainbow.

The opening seems to foreshadow a series of adventures between Marlo and the injured fayli. The faylis’ singing will also probably play a large role in these adventures.

Nice job.

 

Do you see what I mean? There's nothing wrong with the sentence structure, more something wrong with the order of the sentences. This is action and not introspection so we'd expect things to happen in a logical order.

Other than that I think it is a great start and presents us already with some mystery and interest.
 

I think that you could use a bit more description of the setting. Right now we have a blazebush (very well described), a fayli (also well described) and Marlo (I could have used a tiny bit more information about her, at least to guess her approximate age and non-gender role). But so far there is no hint of setting for these elements, other than that this might or might not be taking place at or near the top of a Tree that might or might not be inhabited by humans.

In other words, not only do I not know the setting, I don't even know what it is about the setting that I don't know. I can't even go with an assumption, like saying that this is by the shoreline or something like that.
 

Yanos, I will make sure the sentence order is smoother. Actually I'll probably re-word it a bit.

Thanks everyone. I am almost done writing it and will finish tonight. I am actually trying to add a tiny bit more description in my work because I fear white room syndrome, but I hope I don't go overboard.

I appreciate the help.
 

nice attempt at pseudo-intellect, beth

 

Freud someone else.

p.s. your attempt at wit blows (try to find the sexual reference there, think of it as a game)
 

http://www.greenwych.ca/fl-compl.htm

actually just googling "bone flute" leads to a lot of interesting anthropology sites.

But I'm more interested in figuring out what part of the text above told me this was happening near water. It might simply be part of the wounded bird archtype. In fact, now that I've mentioned it, I'm sure that it is.
 

Maybe if people knew the difference between picking a fight and defending yourself against one, the jerks in this community could be rooted out.
 

I would change it, but I’m really leery about such things. I don’t shy away from swearing in my writing or being crass if the character/story calls for it, but it I’m not trying to be I take all effort to avoid it.

It’s something that sticks out when I read published works. I just think, switching things around a bit, the author could’ve avoided that all together.

Like in my fantasy story in the opening there’s a storyteller who was a bit of an acrobat and magician. He was juggling and after going back and reading what I had written, I figured it was probably not a good idea to refer to what he was juggling with as “his balls” and “the balls” may save me some confusing, and at least I could read my own work without giggling like an 8th grader.

 

And, if I'm not mistaken about the meaning of "skin flute" (which is very possible), then there is no reason in the world anyone would tend to believe the term "bone flute" had any connection whatsoever. Unless that person was a good deal more perverted than usual. I mean...ow!

It's like that test where you try and guess which names are of My Pretty Pony toys and which are adult entertainers.

In any case, as your post shows, there's a way to argue the point in a civil tone.
 

In all honesty, I don’t think it’s too big of a deal as your title is always tentative until the book is published

With some prose around it I can see what a bone flute would be especially in a fantasy story. A flute made from the bone of an animal. I’m sure animal bone was used for lots of things in a medieval time period.

Still, I would be careful using such a term. I know not everyone’s minds in the gutter, and I don’t think mine is (totally), but if I read, “She put the bone flute in her mouth...” I would giggle a little, wondering what the hell the author was thinking.

But it could just be me as this is something I try to avoid.

PS
Autumnmuse,

I’d like to apologize as I haven’t read or commented on your first 13 (which is the real topic at hand). I’ll will be sure to do so tomorrow.

 

I really liked what I read. I like reading fantasy to explore strange, new worlds, but hate being bogged down with weird words. This wasn't bad at all though. Easy to read easy to follow and I would continue reading. Good job.

Survivor,
Don't feel bad. It's probably a good thing you don't know such terms. It's not really often used either. It's more of a joke (a referrence to fellatio) and quite filthy. It's just the first thing that popped into my mind when I read the title. That's the last thing I'm really gonna say about it. I'm starting to feel like the resident pervert.

JOHN!

[This message has been edited by JOHN (edited August 03, 2005).]