Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Overlooked

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Posted by TheoPhileo (Member # 1914) on :

Overlooked - working title, please offer suggestions! Looking for readers for the whole thing, a whopping 800 words. Comments on the hook also welcome.

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Jennifer picked up the Mai Tai and gave the man beside her a suggestive grin, then promptly dumped the beverage on his lap. She let out a snort of disgust and the cocky smile dropped off his face. Without waiting for him to leave, she turned her back, rotating in her barstool to face Kasie again.

What was it with these men? Couldn’t one of them have the courtesy to speak to her face instead of to her chest? More and more she regretting coming here with Kasie each week.

Jennifer looked at her friend and gestured backwards with her eyes and a shake of her head.

“He’s gone,” said Kasie, sounding almost bored. She perked up quickly and shot a warm smile at someone walking by. When he did not respond, her bored expression returned. “That’s the second drink you’ve wasted tonight.”

[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited July 28, 2005).]

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

I'd rework it so the 2nd paragraph is the first. Gives us some insight into the character before the action. Just a small thing. I'll read the whole kaboodle if yo usend it before the weekend.

Posted by onepktjoe (Member # 2352) on :

I'll give it a read.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

This character is very interesting. I'd like to read it.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Just because the setting is "obvious" from the action, that doesn't mean you can skip it. In this case, just the fact that this is a bar where they serve Mai Tai's to a mixed crowd of singles doesn't tell us enough about it. And this is almost certainly a one scene story.

Anyway, the main character loses my sympathy by being in a bar in the first place. I'm sure she has a great reason for being there. I'm just not interested enough to bother figuring it out. So that might have something to do with my lack of connection.

Posted by TheoPhileo (Member # 1914) on :

Good point survivor. Do you think explicitly saying "bar" is enough? (for instance, looking around to take a quick survey of the crowd or something). Because the piece is so short, and details about the bar have little importance, I'm relying on stereotype to fill in the unimportant details.

And her reasons for being there are explained within a paragraph or two, if that makes you feel any better

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I'm interested to know why she's there. You can send it my way.

Posted by Gecko (Member # 2709) on :

it's very, very cliched.

Staring at her chest rather than her eyes? C'mon.

Posted by mogservant (Member # 1739) on :

As long as there's a world full of guys who actually do that I don't know how it can get cliche. It gets old maybe, but not cliche.

Posted by Gecko (Member # 2709) on :

please tell me what your definition of cliche is, then?

[This message has been edited by Gecko (edited July 28, 2005).]

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

Cliche is something that has been over-used. I think a guy looking at a girls chest isn't cliche, it's reality. Just my opinion.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You need to say more than just that it's a bar. What kind of bar? Is it more of a club, or is it very nearly a pub? Perhaps it's more like a saloon. I really couldn't tell at all. Is it the sort of place where it's okay to dump a heavily flavored drink on a guy simply because you thought he was looking at your chest? Is it the sort of place where you need to pour a drink on a guy to let him know you aren't interested?

Also, what plausible and sympathetic motive can this character have for being there? If I'm going to have to pour drinks on guys just to keep them away, I don't go into a club without a pretty darn compelling reason. I think that people who do must simply like pouring drinks on other people. That strikes me as rather childish behavior.

Guy's staring at a woman's chest...it happens, but it isn't enough to support a story. The attempt to do so is cliche. Women famously look at a man's pocketbook. But a story about a guy being soooo tired of having women want to date him because he's well heeled would be cliche, no matter how much this actually happens in real life.

Besides, I don't buy it. In the several cultures with which I'm most personally familiar, guys don't look at women's chests, because women don't wear clothing which displays cleavage or otherwise emphasizes breast shape and size.

Seriously, guys aren't looking for cleavage as such. They're looking for cues to a woman's receptivity. In many cultures, that doesn't mean looking at her expression. Modern western culture favors a fixed deadpan expression for the mature woman. There is no point in looking for sexual cues in the face of a woman wearing such an expression, eh? If a guy finds such a cue in the way she's chosen to display her breasts, then he sees such a cue. If most guys look at her chest, then it isn't just one guy's imagination. She has done something definite to display it as an attention getting device. Perhaps in all innocence, though I'd hope she'd be smart enough to figure out the connection when guys started staring at her chest*

Women who follow rules that deemphasize the importance of their faces as a source of cues and then get upset when guys look elsewhere strike me as rather silly. Anyone who resorts to pouring a drink on someone simply because of an entirely imaginary slight strikes me as being childish. And someone hanging out in a singles bar doesn't arouse my sympathy either.

So sure, I think that the central conceit is simply too cliche to support a story by itself. I turn to setting as a possible answer because it is definitely lacking in this opening.

*In a certain scene, I have a university freshman wearing an anklet that signifies something like "swinger available for hire" in another culture. She was given the anklet as a practical joke by an anthropology student at the same university, and of course all the students familar with what that anklet means can't help staring at her ankle. Particularly the guys.

Posted by TheoPhileo (Member # 1914) on :

There you go, Survivor. I sent you a copy for your demolishing pleasure

My story should defend itself (and your points which are still applicable, I have listed to and will heed upon my next edit)

[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited July 29, 2005).]