looking for round 2 readers for this - urban fantasy (I think), just under 5000 words. (anyone who read before and wants a second look is equally welcome)
Thanks
R
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The library building was not what Sophie had expected. As she closed the car door and looked across the road, it appeared to be nothing more than a Georgian town house, positioned incongruously in the middle of a twenty first-century city centre. It was surrounded by a neatly tended garden, closed off from the world. The road between her parking space and her destination was jammed with traffic and she picked her way cautiously across. In the arch above the wrought iron gates, the name was interwoven with metal leaves – Ayredale Special Collection. She stepped through the cool shadow, back into golden sunlight and the traffic sounds faded away, screened by high hedges of yew. It was like stepping into another world. She walked up the narrow path, past beds crowded with marigolds and geraniums, violent reds and golds.
I also hung on "road between" since that can read as "road connecting". I'd try "street between" or say she had to cross the busy street. Also, "In the arch above the..." strikes me as being somewhat graceless prose. Perhaps if one of the "the"s were replaced with the indefinite article. After all, this is the first appearence of both arch and gate (though you could mention the gate (and perhaps a fence or hedge) earlier, if you like).
As you can see, though, these are all pretty minor wordcraft nits, matters of individual taste rather than concrete issues. Overall, I'd like the description to be even a little richer, to give more sense of Ayredale's impact on Sophie. But it seems to work well as it is.
Sorry, I can't read right now, but I just had to tell you how much smoother it was. Maybe I'll catch you on the next go round.
don't worry about it. We have a saying in my workplace "family comes first" - actually those of us with families have a saying and we need to scream it quite regularly.
I will send on the new version this evening, if that's ok.
R
Sorry I haven't checked here in a couple of days and have been a bit swamped so forgot to send out the additional version.
Will try to put brain in gear when I get home this evening and do it.
Promise.
R
ps Thanks for the offers!