Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Maya Time Machine

This is topic Maya Time Machine in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :

This is begining of my short story, about 1,200 words, that centers around a time-machine that uses the circular Maya perception of time. Thank-you in advance for your critiques.

Janet wore only her underwear. It was plain, uninteresting underwear -- the kind patients in hospitals use -- but Niles still averted his eyes. "Are you sure about this?"

Janet sat still on a table as scientists in white lab coats placed suction-cup like sensors over her heart, stomach, throat, brain, and legs. She smiled at Niles, at his concern: it was another much longed for affirmation that he did love her, after all.

"Niles," she said calmly for the fourth time, "it's my invention. I want to use it first -- and I'm the most qualified person to do so. If anything goes wrong, no one else would have a chance of knowing how to fix it."

Niles scowled, his brows meeting together in a dark line. "Janet, it's bad enough you spend all your time working on this stupidity -- let someone else risk their life to test the abominable thing."

-- edited because I forgot that indentation doesn't show in the posts and thought there should be line breaks to separate the paragraphs.

[This message has been edited by Miriel (edited July 18, 2005).]

Posted by davidedwardsmusic (Member # 2678) on :

Solid. A few comments:

* It's unclear from the first paragraph who the POV character is. Later I picked up that it is Janet. What threw me off was the phrase "but Niles still averted his eyes" Maybe you could say something like, "but she couldn't help but notice Miles averting his eyes."

* You followed the question "Are you sure about this" with a longish paragraph of exposition about how she was hooked up, when what I really wanted to know was her answer to his question. Could you maybe have her answer him, and work in the suction cup details as you continue?

You got my curiosity going. Nice job. Send it along.

Posted by ely (Member # 2558) on :

The concept is intriguing. If your looking for readers for the whole story, I will take a look and give a full critique.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

Sounds interesting, but why exactly is she in underwear?

Anyway, I'd like to read it.

[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited July 18, 2005).]

Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :

Thank-you all for being willing to read my story. This is my first time doing the 13 lines thing -- I don't know what proper ettiquete is for e-mail. Should I put the story in the body or as an attachment? And should I make revisions to those first paragraphs now, or wait until I have critiques on the whole story? I don't want to offend anyone by doing this wrong. Thank-you all for being patient with the newbie -- and for offering to read my story.

Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :

Didn't hear from anyone on ettiquette: decided just to send it. I hope the way I did it is all right. Thank-you again for looking at my story.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

Miriel,

Typically you'll send the story as an attachment in an e-mail - it's easier to work with that way than if it's in the body of the e-mail.

Whether you make changes before sending it out or not is totally up to you. However, I've occasionally gotten stories where the author completely trashed the beginning I'd read (and based my decision to read on!) and replaced it with something completely different - when that happened, I felt somewhat mislead. But simply editing the existing beginning shouldn't be a problem. Everyone handles comments differently; personally, I collect them all and then let them compost for a few weeks before making any changes, but other people make changes as the comments come in. Whatever works.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Another comment about etiquette. I recommend ALWAYS including the word "Hatrack" in your subject header. People like me have their spam set to filter out all unfamiliar email addresses, and while I review the subject headers before deleting, I need that flag to get my attention so I don't toss it.

Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :

It's also a good idea to send the file in rich text format (.rtf) because it is far more transportable into different software than any other file type except ascii text, which is a pain. I'd read, but I have a backlog of about 30,000 words to critique.

Posted by onepktjoe (Member # 2352) on :

I'll read. Send it on over.