499 words; I would like a few critiques. (This was up on Mike's board, but I've made a change or two and would like fresh eyes.)
Since it's so short, I'll post fewer than 13 lines, although the hook suffers.
--
"Come in," the new chief Raraku said to the fisherman, Haoa. "My house welcomes you."
"I'd rather meet outside," Haoa said curtly. ...
"I'll be blunt," Raraku said. "My father was a fool. Spending the clan's energy on a memorial to himself" -- the huge stone head, still visible in the fading light -- "instead of on honoring the spirits, and seeing to the needs of the people."
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited July 13, 2005).]
Posted by DavidGill (Member # 1688) on :
I have a lot of trouble understanding what dialogue means when I don't know something about the person who says it. My first thought was, who are these guys and why are they talking?
[This message has been edited by DavidGill (edited July 13, 2005).]
Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :
Oh, that was you?
Send it to me, I'd like to read it.
Posted by ely (Member # 2558) on :
I'll read. I didn't get the chance on LH.
[This message has been edited by ely (edited July 14, 2005).]
Posted by bradford (Member # 2708) on :
Maybe we need the full 13 lines...instead of telling us he's the new chief show us. example: Raurku looked out his door, he got alot more vistors now that he was new chief. Outside he saw the ..describe clothes...of a fisherman with his back turned. as he turned he saw it was Hoao....
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
An alternative to posting less than 13 lines might be to just describe the story and ask people to volunteer to read it.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Description: Chief Raraku asks a commoner to ally with the chief's family in the coming hard times. Historical, flash fiction, and if there were a picture in the text of a big stone head on an island, that wouldn't be amiss.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited July 14, 2005).]
Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
Bleeping away!
It was just the title and the stone head on island reference that made me think...
(P.S. I didn't get to reading the Challenge entries this week. If you want to send it over, I think I can handle reading 500 words )
[This message has been edited by Robyn_Hood (edited July 14, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Robyn_Hood (edited July 14, 2005).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I don't want to prejudice the readers with anything they won't find in the text -- since on publication there probably won't be any explanations, but just a story. (Robyn, maybe bleep out your post, to avoid spoilers?)
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited July 14, 2005).]
Posted by TheoPhileo (Member # 1914) on :
I never got to everything outside of my critique group. I'll take a look.
)