She slowly walked around the tabernacle
in the mist
thinking
and touching the stones.
Her mind wandered through the mist.
She thought of her ancestor,
who helped build this house of God.
She was not alone here;
this she knew.
As she lightly caressed the stone,
she could feel another hand...
---------------------
He slowly walked around the tabernacle,
touching the stones,
Note from Kathleen: even though cutting this to 13 lines won't help when it comes to saving your electronic rights, the rule is 13 lines.
The Hatrack River Writer's Workshop is not a publisher, of poetry or any other writing.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 14, 2005).]
For poetry and flash fiction, only put up the first couple of lines.
I don't know if this is actually the case this time or not.
As for the poem itself... what exactly do you want? Technobabble about what poetic devices you used etc, or a generally more useful wise reading, which tells you the impact that the poem had or didn't have?
[This message has been edited by dpatridge (edited July 12, 2005).]
Speaking of poems, I remember that the Young Writer's forum that used to be at Hatrack had a poem critiquing section.
We have a section for non-fiction, and accept realistic fiction other than scifi and fantasy. It's interesting to me that we don't have an forum for poetry. I guess the field was just narrowed down for us adult writers? Or maybe we used to have one and nobody was interested?
One of the problems with poetry is that it is usually very short. If you post the whole thing you will lose your electronic and first-publication rights. Even if you only post 13 lines, you are likely publishing it enough that a prospective publisher won't look at it or will pay a reduced rate because they look at it as a re-print.
The same thing sort of applies for really short flash fiction.
When soliciting readers for Poetry and short flash fiction, it is a good idea not to post more than the first couple of lines. For Poetry, some people only post the title and ask for readers.
Another thing to consider, by posting an entire poem or even the majority of it here, you are self-publishing which carries certain stigmas in the industry.
Just wanted to say that I like it.
But don't hesitate to sell it. Find a publisher who will take it, and milk it for all it's worth. Because it's worth a lot.
The story I'm currently writing began with the idea of a man and his descendant going through very similar experiences. It's a strong commentary on life that resonates with a lot of people, and your poem does very, very well in expressing the idea. The free verse fits it very well, and the statement is concise: comfort is available to all.
There is only one thing I would suggest you change: the end is slightly vague in that there's two possibilities of whose hand is touching whose. Either a spiritual connection exists between ancestor and descendant, so that they both feel each other, or else God is touching both. This confusion is caused by the utter similarity of the stanzas in which both feel a hand. If you want the reader to wonder whose hand is touching whose, than you've succeeded, and you need nothing else. But if you want to make it clear, then you should do just a little tweaking to simplify. If the two are touching each others' hands, perhaps you could add some information, like it being the girl's right hand and the guy's left hand that feel someone else. If, on the other hand, God is touching both, maybe you should relax a little on the repitition and give us some differences. Repitition is a wonderful tool, and you use it very well, but just a little more polishing and it can be perfect.
Otherwise, your imagery and your diction are beautiful. I'm touched by this poem, and I enjoy it. After you make changes, if you make any, e-mail them to me (thomas.beard@student.oc.edu); I'm curious to see what you do.
Good luck!