Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Rippled Magic-----Revision

This is topic Rippled Magic-----Revision in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Tazira (Member # 2711) on :

Hi,
Here's the repost with revisions that was requested...I think it's better. What say you?

Caredien steered her Saturn SUV around the twisting county road anxious to return home after finishing her final year of college. She was singing at the top of her lungs to the radio, immersed deeply in the music. So deeply that she almost missed what appeared to be a pile of rags by the side of the road.
As her brain caught up with her eyesight, she swerved to the side of the road pulling her vehicle to a stop about 200 yards ahead of the filthy pile, her heart in her throat. Her mind had recognized what her eyes had not. This wasn’t just litter, but a person. She threw on her hazard signals, opened her door and leapt out of the car, barreling back down the road to where the crumpled figure lay. As she approached, a faint moan issued from the stirring body. Kneeling by its side, Caredien noticed this was the body of an old woman with hair like coal, shot through with veins of shining silver. Placing her hand on the woman’s neck she felt for a pulse, finding it faint and thready. The woman’s skin was unusually thin, even for one of her advanced age; it appeared almost translucent. Caredien got the strangest feeling that if she concentrated really hard on the road underneath, she would actually see asphalt through the woman’s body. She gently touched the woman’s shoulder. The woman turned her head toward Caredien revealing luminous brown eyes with a slightly Asian cast to them. Incredibly ancient, these eyes gazed into Caredien’s seeming to carry the weight of more generations than Caredien could possibly imagine.

Thank you for the continuing input...it helps immensely!

Tazira

If anyone wants to read the prologue that comes before this...I have put it into my website files for a couple of days. Please remember, that this probably won't have any paragraph breaks or anything like that in it because it is just an html file, and take that into account. It may answer some questions for you.

http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/blakedom/prologue.html

Posted by Meenie (Member # 2633) on :

I like this a lot. It really moves and pulls you right into the story with Caredien - I'm not quite sure how to pronounce this name though.
You could really relate to the action as she was driving fast, listening to the music and really into it, then realizes what she sees - excellent.
I did read the prologue on your website also, it seems a bit disjointed - more like thoughts jotted down on paper but waiting to be edited. I think you were trying to get a lot of info in there that you could probably get in a bit at a time later to be a lot easier on the reader

I think I'd keep it simpler with just the fact they were there, were destroyed and the waves of magic spreading out then get the facts in later.
I like the idea there, though, and would like to see where you go with it.
Also I wondered about the time difference between the prologue and the first chapter.
Do you have more? I'd be glad to read if you do. I'm hooked

Meenie

[This message has been edited by Meenie (edited July 10, 2005).]

Posted by Tazira (Member # 2711) on :

The prologue came out of a Nightly News Report by Brian Williams. He was covering the graduating class (college) of 2005 and made the statement that while they were in college, the whole world changed. It got me to thinking, what if the world changed more than everyone thought it had??? That's also the reason for the time difference between the prologue and the 1st chapter. I liked the hook that Williams used, and I wanted someone who was a recent college graduate, yet still a bit fresh and innocent.

AFter all, her world as she thinks it exists it is going to change drastically. :lol:

Thanks for the input, the prologue is still being revised everytime I read it...this is just the latest incarnation. I have more and I'll give you a shot at it when I feel I have some more of the editing down on it

Thanks
Tazira

Posted by bradford (Member # 2708) on :

A couple of things..."side of the road pulling her vehicle to a stop about 200 yards ahead of the filthy pile," to me I was stopped thinking that it should be past the pile not ahead of it. Remember: Image is everything.

"leapt out of the car, barreling back down the road to where the crumpled figure" Barreling made me think they were still in the car.

The prolog didnot copy well so I didn't read it when I saw all the messed up text. probably a formatting error

Posted by Tazira (Member # 2711) on :

See if you can read the prologue this way. This will put it into MS Word format.

http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/blakedom/prologue.doc
You will have to cut and paste the above address...it won't let you directly link because I don't have a page set up for it. If you do the cut/paste thing, it will open as a word document Thanks!

Thank you for the suggestions. I am saving everything people are telling me so that when I get to the serious revisions, I can go back and look these over!

Tazira

[This message has been edited by Tazira (edited July 14, 2005).]