Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Quante

This is topic Quante in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Fahrion Kryptov (Member # 1544) on :

This is the beginning of my story, so far as it has gone. It is science fiction, after a fashion, but becomes very fantastic before long. Since my weakest point in any writing is the beginning, I would like some good hard criticism to whip mine into shape.

"Legislator," began the President. "Have you received any message from C17.4--ah, Quante?"
"No." The words were dead, perfunctory, for the man who uttered them had received but little rest. The President sighed, nodded, and disconnected from the Legislator's computer, which returned to the age-old default blue screen. The Legislator had not bothered to personalize his computer, though he had been on it for over a year, now, because he moved too often from place to place. He would do it later. Maybe.

His wife, a beautiful woman, entered the room with a yawn. She grinned sleepily as her husband yawned in return, then embraced him.

The story continues telling how the embassy established on Quante (a remote planet)has disappeared, as has everyone sent to investigate. The Legislator, who represents the planet (even though he's never been there) in the Senate must go there to find out why and gets sucked into a rebellion between mages and the government.

[This message has been edited by Fahrion Kryptov (edited July 09, 2005).]

Posted by hopekeeper (Member # 2701) on :

Well, I like myself the occasional sci-fi and your plot synopsis sounds interesting...
Although I have to say as a fellow bad-beginning-writer, this didn't really hook me per se (although if I was an editor, I'd give you 13 lines AND a page...)

Ok, here goes.

1."for the man who uttered them had received but little rest."

I would say take out "but." I know it sounds good and stylistic, and in fact I make this mistake often as well--the problem is adding words that really don't add anything but spacing, like hitting the space bar a few times would have the same effect. When I read through it, I find it to flow better without the "but."
Oh, and maybe explain why he has gotten little rest--it would be a good place to put some forshadowing into your plot (like saying "he had been talking with his fellow congressional members concerning THE RECENT TRAGEDY" [leaving out the specifics would help hook the reader]

2. In the beginning it is a little confusing as to who the POV character is... sure it gets hammered out later but it is a little odd.

3. "he had been on it for over a year, now..."
Change ON to USING... my opinion...

4. "His wife, a beautiful woman, entered the room with a yawn."

I'd say save the description of this character until you can fit it all in, instead of in tidbits. Also, since it is in the POV of her husband, it actually makes him seem shallow to have to add that title in with her arrival... so I'd say get rid of it.
Also tell about how she got tclose enough to embrace him in the first place. It struck me as "ok, she's here. now she's hugging him." Tell me HOW she crossed the room. (Unless in this story people live in incredibly small rooms and the door is right next to his comp... but as he's a Legislator (for an entire planet no less) I'd think he'd be wealthy enough to afford large living spaces).

Okay well those are my comments. Take them or leave them!

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'm not hooked. Here's why: there are some initial comments made (the question, with the answer "no"), but I have no idea what they're about, so they can't hook me. Then we get a change of subject, and comments about other things. I suspect that what your story is about is whatever that initial question referred to. Tell us what it means! And keep us on-topic with that. Then I suspect I'll be hooked.

Nit: I suggest names for everyone.