Caredien Eleanor McTavish steered her Saturn SUV around curves and corners anxious to return home after finishing her final year of college. She was singing at the top of her lungs to the radio and immersed deeply in the music. So deeply that she almost missed what appeared to be a pile of rags by the side of the road.
As her brain caught up with her eyesight, she swerved to the side of the road and pulled her vehicle to a stop about 200 yards ahead of the bundle of rags. What her brain had recognized that her eyesight didn’t was this was no ordinary pile of rag litter, but a person. She threw on her hazard signals and opened her door, barreling down the road to where she had seen the figure. Approaching with her heart in her throat, she spied it stirring, a faint moan issuing from the lips of a wizened old woman. Kneeling by her side, Care noticed something odd about this old lady. Old people seem to have tissue thin skin. So thin you can see the veins running underneath. This woman’s skin was not only thin; it appeared almost translucent. Caredien got the strangest feeling that if she concentrated real hard on the road underneath the oldster she would actually see it through the woman’s body. Shaking her head at her flights of fancy and bringing her mind firmly back on task, she gently touched the woman’s shoulder. The woman turned her head toward Care revealing luminous brown eyes with a slightly Asian cast to them. Her hair was coal, shot with shining silver and she seemed incredibly ancient. The eyes that looked at Caredien seemed to have the weight of more years than she could imagine behind them.

Thanks for the feedback!
Tazira
 

[This message has been edited by Chessna (edited July 08, 2005).]
 

Thanks for the feed back. If you're interested in reading the prologue that leads up to this let me know

Tazira
 

quote:
Old people seem to have tissue thin skin. So thin you can see the veins running underneath. This woman’s skin was not only thin; it appeared almost translucent.

this quote doesn't flow with the rest of the paragraph. It's more choppy than your previous and sequential sentences. Perhaps you might say something like

While old people seem to have skin so tissue thin that you can see the veins beneath, this woman's skin appeared translucent. In fact, Caredien fancied that she could see the road through the old woman's body.

or some such, keeping the incredulity of Care while making it flow better with the rest of the paragraph. Also in the next sentence, you say "real hard" instead of "really hard" and I'm not sure if I like oldster, but that's just me.

quote:
Shaking her head at her flights of fancy and bringing her mind firmly back on task,

But what is that task?

and finally,

quote:
The eyes that looked at Caredien seemed to have the weight of more years...

To me, have doesn't quite work here. Perhaps bear or hold or carry?

Otherwise it looks great. I think this shows promise, especially if you trim it up a bit. Keep writing!
 

As far as 'oldster' goes, I'm not entirely happy with it either. I'm trying to avoid using the phrase 'the old woman' so many times it gets redundant. Maybe I should look for synonyms.

Tazira

[This message has been edited by Tazira (edited July 09, 2005).]
 

Caredien Eleanor McTavish steered her Saturn SUV ALONG THE CURVING HIGHWAY, (why not say where she is? those curves and corners might not even be on a road, for all the reader can tell) anxious to return home after finishing her final year of college. She was singing at the top of her lungs to the radio,(COMMA)[and](the "and" made me feel like "immersed" was a noun and not an adjective) immersed deeply in the music. So deeply that she almost missed what appeared to be a pile of rags by the side of the road.
As her brain caught up with her EYES, she swerved to the side of the road and pulled her vehicle to a stop about 200 yards ahead of the bundle of rags, HER HEART IN HER THROAT. [What her brain had recognized that her eyesight didn’t] (the above brain-eyesight works, but this contradicts it and doesn't seem to make sense.) THAT was no ordinary pile of rag litter, but a person. She threw on her hazard signals, JUMPED OUT THE DOOR, AND barrelED down the road to where THE CRUMPLED figure LAY. (Care got out of the door, right? Before this wasn't quite clear.) WHEN CARE REACHED THE PERSON, IT STIRRED AND MOANED FAINTLY. (At this point, Care hasn't examined the woman -- how can she know that she's old or wizened? I'd wait on the description.) Kneeling by ITS side, Care SAW THAT IT WAS AN OLD WOMAN, WITH HAIR LIKE COAL SHOT WITH SHINING SILVER. (Care must have a way of telling that this person's old, and now the ending lines can focus on eyes.) [Old people seem to have tissue thin skin. So thin you can see the veins running underneath.] (no need to comment on all old people -- just deal with this intriguing woman.) This woman’s skin was UNUSUALLY THIN, EVEN FOR HER AGE; it appeared almost translucent. Caredien got the strangest feeling that if she concentrated real hard on the road underneath [the oldster] she would actually see it through the woman’s body. [Shaking her head at her flights of fancy and bringing her mind firmly back on task,] (not necessary) she gently touched the woman’s shoulder. The woman turned her head toward Care revealing luminous brown eyes with a slightly Asian cast to them. [Her hair was coal, shot with shining silver and she seemed incredibly ancient.] (first part was moved, last is repetitive) THESE EYES seemed to BEAR the weight of more years than CARE could imagine. (The whole eyes bearing weight thing is something I've seen a million times, and have never been able to believe. I don't think eyes can really convey age, even if it sounds cool. If I were you I'd find a more concrete way to convey that she's ancient.)

[This message has been edited by Alexis (edited July 09, 2005).]
 

--

Caredien almost missed what appeared to be a pile of rags by the side of the road. IT was no ordinary pile of rag litter, but a person. She swerved to the side of the road and pulled her vehicle to a stop.

WHEN SHE APPROACHED, IT stirred, a faint moan issuing from its -- HER -- lips. Kneeling by her side, CareDIEN noticed THAT this woman’s skin appeared almost translucent. She gently touched the woman’s shoulder.

OK, that could be told a lot better, but you get the idea, I think, of how to make things a lot tighter.

I also suggest you give the character one name and stick with it, especially if it's an unusual name like Caredien for which a short version isn't obvious.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited July 09, 2005).]
 

Also, you mention a pile of rags, then in the next sentence say a bundle of rags... it feels repetitive. You might switch phrase in the second sentence to something different... like " she pulled her vehicle to a stop about 200 yards ahead of the lump."

I'm also struck by the fact that old people normally have thin, translucent skin. Your character seems to be obsessing about it. It doesn't seem NEARLY as odd to me as the fact that the old woman is laying by the side of the road. Your POV character seems to have lost her shock about finding the old woman here. I would expect her to be checking for a pulse, looking for sign of injury, worrying about phoning 911 - and the skin thing might come as an observation after she's dealt with the more immediate crisis of determining whether the woman is about to croak or not.

my 2 cents.
 

I really appreciate the time everyone is taking with this to give me their insights!

Tazira
 

2 things did dampen my interest.

First, "Caredien Eleanor McTavish steered her Saturn SUV.." There were too many names in that bit for me. It would have been easier to simply read "Caredien steered her SUV."

Second, I'm fearing this is going to be some woman giving her the "last message" and then dying. I'm hoping for something different.
 

Tazira
 

1. the names ... you refer to the same person with 3 different names in the first 13 lines.. I was a little taken back by this... I think you should pick one and stick with it.

2. The distance of 200 yards in front of the body threw me off.. I found myself wondering how fast she was traveling and if it was possible to see something in the road and stop that far in advance of it if she was so engrossed with the music and self fulfillment of finishing her degree.

very good start though... I was hooked and interested in what comes next...
 

Tazira
 

These aside, I've got a couple ideas as to what's so special about the old lady, and both delight me.

You get high praise from me, which I will praise in the form of a question:

What happens next?
 

Caredien steered her Saturn SUV around the twisting county road anxious to return home after finishing her final year of college. She was singing at the top of her lungs to the radio, immersed deeply in the music. So deeply that she almost missed what appeared to be a pile of rags by the side of the road.
As her brain caught up with her eyesight, she swerved to the side of the road pulling her vehicle to a stop about 200 yards ahead of the filthy pile, her heart in her throat. Her mind had recognized what her eyes had not. This wasn’t just litter, but a person. She threw on her hazard signals, opened her door and leapt out of the car, barreling back down the road to where the crumpled figure lay. As she approached, a faint moan issued from the stirring body. Kneeling by its side, Caredien noticed this was the body of an old woman with hair like coal, shot through with veins of shining silver. Placing her hand on the woman’s neck she felt for a pulse, finding it faint and thready. The woman’s skin was unusually thin, even for one of her advanced age; it appeared almost translucent. Caredien got the strangest feeling that if she concentrated really hard on the road underneath, she would actually see asphalt through the woman’s body. She gently touched the woman’s shoulder. The woman turned her head toward Caredien revealing luminous brown eyes with a slightly Asian cast to them. Incredibly ancient, these eyes gazed into Caredien’s seeming to carry the weight of more generations than Caredien could possibly imagine.

Thank you for the continuing input...it helps immensely!

Tazira

If anyone wants to read the prologue that comes before this...I have put it into my website files for a couple of days. Please remember, that this probably won't have any paragraph breaks or anything like that in it because it is just an html file, and take that into account. It may answer some questions for you.

http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/blakedom/prologue.html

[This message has been edited by Tazira (edited July 09, 2005).]
 

I like the new version it is far less confusing.
 

Tazira
 

quote:

---

Caredien noticed this was the body of an old woman with hair like coal, shot through with veins of shining silver.

---

Also, should she be "anxious" to return home? Given that she's singing along to the radio, which implies a "not a care in the world" attitude, I think it might be better to say she was "eager" to return home.

Otherwise, I'd agree with Yanos. Let the reader be comfortable to be in Caredien's POV, don't keep pushing it.

Finally, I still have trouble with the name. Even without the "Eleanor McTavish" addition, I just find "Caredien" sounds too much like a generic fantasy name and not enough like a real SUV-driving college graduate... apologies to any and all real Carediens out there!

Hope this helps.
 

Thanks for the continuing input.

Tazira