Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Du'harod--a concept

This is topic Du'harod--a concept in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by hopekeeper (Member # 2701) on :

Well... technically it's 17 lines, but shhh...

Du’harod
‘Like’ was a word that didn’t quite convey my feelings. I used to say that I liked her, for the sake of avoiding the ungodly embarrassment which came with an unrequited love. Yes, in my earlier days I would hesitate to say it, but I did love her. I loved her with all of my heart and soul, and they took that away from me. She gave her final breaths in my arms. When they came, we were on the floor, me holding her narrow form as I never could before. I cried in her golden hair as the knock came at the door. I was there until the door was beaten down, until the collection officers wrenched her lifeless body from my grasp. "No!" I yelled. "You can’t take her from me!" I threw myself against the heavy armor of one of the main officers. He pushed me back and I stumbled across the room.
"She never loved you, Reptio." Working class. "She lived her first life for herself, and now she must contribute. It is the Way." Broken and devastated I sank to the floor face down, pulling at the carpet until my limbs began to shake so badly that even my small outlet for pain became impossible. Only in my tears could I find the escape, the mental solace which so deftly evaded my searching mind, but even there the truth burned as it did on the outside, as plainly as the sun.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 08, 2005).]

Posted by Chessna (Member # 2703) on :

I like it, I'm hooked. Just a few things that I feel should be changed:

quote:
" '...never loved you, Reptio.' Working class. 'She lived...' "

It took me a while to figure this out. It sounds a bit odd.

quote:
"so badly that even my small outlet for pain became impossible."

This also is awkward. Perhaps you could replace "outlet" with "effort."

quote:
"Du’harod. The soulless slaves. Kara!"

This doesn't make sense to me. Where is it written, if it is? Who is Kara? What is Du'harod? I don't understand it.

Hopefully this can be of some help to you.

Posted by hopekeeper (Member # 2701) on :

Well it looks like the number of lines is moderated more strictly than I thought... my appologies Kathleen. It won't happen again.

1. If anyone knows a better way to explain the working class statement...?
2. I don't really want to change your second suggestion... I like it the way it is, although I think pain is the wrong word. I should change it to grief.
3. That part was supposed to be italicized... I don't know if it worked or not but it's gone now anyway...

And Chessna, those are the questions that will hopefully pull you in to continue reading.
I could answer those questions if you'd like...