This is my first attempt at flash fiction so beware. I'm planning to send this one out as soon as I've got it tuned up. It's 500wds total. I'll take as many offers to critique as I can get. Thanks guys.
Bran's throat closed as he watched Sarah skid to a stop at the cliff's ledge, a giggle bubbling from her lips. Her kidskin boots knocked sand and rocks into the black depths of the abyss below where the sea churned in violent anticipation.
"Sarah! Stop!" he called.
She turned back with a smile that painted her features sinister in the shadows of the moonlight.
"Oh, Bran," she said. "How you love me. Like a bird in a cage." Then she flung her arms wide and spun on her heal.
"Come away, Sarah." It seemed to come out as only a suddering breath. His heart beat so hard it shook his chest. He reached out, unable to form a coherent thought. Terror blinded him. What had he done? His beautiful Sarah. He should have never brought her back to the sea.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
I'll read the whole thing.
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
It has certainly involved me and I'd be willing to read more. I'm skeptical if there's enough space left to really develop anything.
Posted by Troy (Member # 2640) on :
Can she fly?
Posted by davidedwardsmusic (Member # 2678) on :
I like what I'm reading. Maybe because I've suffered watching loved ones on the edge of cliffs, metaphorically or otherwise.
I'd like to read it.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
Sounds like quality writing to me. I'd be willing to read the entire thing.
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
I didn't like the expression "Bran's throat closed". Why not just say "Bran choked". That way Bran is doing the action, not his throat. Other than that phrase, it is well written. I wasn't especially grabbed by it, but it's short - I'm willing to read the whole thing. Send to fsilv01s@uis.edu.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
I read this piece this morning. It completely works me. I hope the rest of the readers like it as much as I did.
Posted by Alexis (Member # 2687) on :
I like the opening. Can I read the whole thing? Email's pndnca@cox.net
Posted by Chessna (Member # 2703) on :
It's great! I love the intensity felt when reading this passage. I'll read it! Send it to chessna13@yahoo.com
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Thanks so much everybody! I'll send them off today.
Troy: No she can't fly. Want to read it and see?
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited July 08, 2005).]
Posted by Troy (Member # 2640) on :
Sure would. Send it?
Posted by Chessna (Member # 2703) on :
So after we read the story, do we post it on here, or do we email it back?
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
Typically critiques are emailed back to the person.
Posted by lordnequam (Member # 2716) on :
One nit-picky detail, first: "spun on her heal" should be "spun on her heel"
This drops you right into the thick of things, and seems very fast paced. However, in a couple of places, the sentences are just a little to long - to my thinking - and slow down the pace too much.
I could see "knocked sand and rocks into the black depths of the abyss below where the sea churned in violent anticipation" shortened to just "knocked sand and rocks into the black depths where the sea churned in violent anticipation"
Or "It seemed to come out as only a suddering breath" as "It came out as a suddering breath"
These, of course, are matters of purely personal preference. Overall, it seems like a really intense scene.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Thanks lordnequam. My, that's quite a name. The "heel", "heal" thing was great. Thanks. And the breath thing too.
Hey, welcome to Hatrack!
Posted by Meenie (Member # 2633) on :
Hey Pixie, I was really drawn into this quickly, it's very fast paced and "real". I'd like to read the whole thing Meenie
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
quote:So after we read the story, do we post it on here, or do we email it back?
Chessna, no one here should ever post someone else's story on the Hatrack forum, even to give feedback on it. That would be worse than you posting more than 13 lines of your own story.
If you wanted to post your feedback, without actually quoting anything from the story, that would be fine. I would recommend that you put some kind of notice like
SPOILER WARNING!!!!
at the top of your feedback post, though. That way those who haven't yet read the story and who don't want to be influenced by your feedback can skip your post.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
...but as for me, I'd rather have all my critiques by email.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Yes, please just email it to me (motomarksfamily@yahoo.com). Thanks Chessna.
Want to read it and see?