This is topic State Secrets - First post-bootcamp story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.


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Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
 
This is my first short story since returning from bootcamp. I'm targeting the Science Fiction Cliche anthology that is posted elsewhere in this board, so expect cliche in the first 13 lines.

Readers welcome, about 2550 words.
---------------

My grandfather would have been astonished to learn how quickly freedoms eroded after the restocking of the Supreme Court. He died not long after that. I was still very young in those days. Looking back at those fifteen years, I find it hard to believe how much things changed.

There is a door in the science building that I've never seen open. Rumor has it that the government pays one of the professors to run experiments in there--a sort of state-supported mad scientist program. I had some guesses. Dr. Randel in chemistry was a strange fellow, and Dr. Price in biology was just plain creepy--the perfect image of the mad scientist. Rumors also said that anyone going in that door never came out.

I often went out of my way to walk past that door. Not many people had reason to go past, but I happened to be taking a class with the new guy, Dr. Fleisher. He was given a make-shift office in the basement not far from that door, and I was waiting outside for my appointment.


Edit: formatting

[This message has been edited by Spaceman (edited July 07, 2005).]
 


Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
 
Consider cutting the first paragraph. The rest feels non sequitur following it and is more interesting anyway.

Also, I'm not convinced that first person is really the best choice. Is there a particular reason you picked it? (Didn't OSC talk you out of it?)
 


Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
 
I think that the first sentence of paragraph two would make a really good opening. A door is always a good hook. We curious humans never seem to be able to resist opening them if we can.


 


Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
 
I agree with the comments about the 1st paragraph. The thing is, it makes a good opening by itself, but the second one has absolutely nothing visible to do with it.
I'll read.
 
Posted by dpatridge (Member # 2208) on :
 
Yep, that first paragraph is interesting and all, and makes me wonder if this is a satire piece, which I love when done right, but it doesn't belong here. You should put it in a "find a new hone" file... If hinting at being a satire is in fact your goal, then you still want to do it, just not here.

If you can wait until Monday night for a response, I'll give it a read. I have a busy work weekend. I MIGHT be able to get it read and critted before Monday night, but I'm not about to guarantee it.
 


Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
 
As the submission date for this piece doesn't even open until October and I have six projects going on at once, I have time to wait for response. I'll send them out in bulk probably this evening.

This is not a satire piece. The first paragraph is necessary to justify how the events can be happening. I did consider that it might not be the right FIRST paragraph, but I need to think on where else to drop the information into the piece. Maybe some suggestions on the feedback loop?

Rahl: He didn't talk me out of it, no. He didn't try. He merely discussed whether it is appropriate. In this case, I'm not trying to get inside the character's head. I want this to sound like something the character is telling after the fact, so first person is the correct choice in my view.

[This message has been edited by Spaceman (edited July 08, 2005).]
 


Posted by abby (Member # 2681) on :
 
I think the first paragraph is very important too, maybe I could read it, and suggest where it might be a better helper paragraph? My email is abby@abbycreations.com.
 
Posted by Alexis (Member # 2687) on :
 
I'm glad you're writing something for that cliche challenge. It sounds like a fun undertaking.
If you still need readers my email's pndnca@cox.net
 
Posted by johnbrown (Member # 1467) on :
 
Didn't start feeling a pull until the last two paragraphs. Thought it could have been even quicker. Here's what I mean. The other two scientists can be introduced when it's necessary as can the supreme court stuff.

--------------------
There is a door in the science building that I've never seen open. Rumor has it that the government pays one of the professors to run experiments in there--a sort of state-supported mad scientist program. Rumor also said that anyone going in that door never came out.

I often went out of my way to walk past that door. But I happened to be taking a class with the new professor, Dr. Fleisher. He was given a make-shift office in the basement not far from that door, and I was waiting outside for my appointment.

 


Posted by davidedwardsmusic (Member # 2678) on :
 
I like the door. I want to open it. Please send the story. I've gotta know.

Reminds me of the old Maeser laboratory on Utah State University campus. Genuinely creepy and mysterious.
 


Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
 
OK, I'm the odd man out. I liked the first line or 2 -- I'm intrigued about what restocking the SC might have done -- but then, instead of finding out what had happened, we went to a new topic: these weird mad-scientist types. I wasn't interested in them at all.

So far, it's all summary. (Summary done in an interesting voice, to be sure.) I think if you started the story where the action starts -- either with a mention of the SC change, or not -- I'd be more interested.
 


Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
 
I may have to use that opening in another story. It's been completely removed from this one.

And, you're much safer if you don't open the door...
 


Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
 
Yeah, we got that.

Still, it is a commonplace of SF that our current ideas of Constitutionality won't last forever (considering that most of them were invented out of whole cloth within the past few decades anyway, this isn't unrealistic). I don't think that you need to start with that. Most readers will expect that, in a story set a dozen or more years in the future, social mores and legal codes will have changed pretty dramatically.

Also, if you look at the recent decisions of this court, you definitely see a trend towards totalitarianism and token democracy. So it isn't like you really need the first paragraph in any case. It has nothing to do with your opening, and I suspect that you aren't going to do much more with it than the rest of the opening already posits or hints.
 


Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
 
I dunno. I liked that first paragraph. Like Survivor pointed out, there is a correlation to reality in it that gives me a MUCH deeper sense of horror than anything that could be lurking behind some door.
 
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
 
As I mentioned, the first paragraph was already removed from this story, but now...how to use it elsewhere...Hmmm.

 
Posted by lordnequam (Member # 2716) on :
 
So it's a story about a door?

Well, people - in general - do not like doors that they are not allowed to open. If it just happens to be closed, thats fine. But if its closed, and, for whatever reason, we are told we cannot open it, then all of a sudden, it becomes of prime importance that, at our earliest opportunity, we must open that door.

So I think you've tapped into something primal in human nature.

However, the entire "mad scientist" angle that surrounds the closed door kind of trivializes it. For some reason, I can't help but imagine the character opening the door, and its like the old, black-and-white Frankenstein movie's lab scene on the other side.

I think if you focus more on the simple fact that here, in this busy place, where room is so important that they're putting scientists in basement corners, there's just a door that no one opens, then that would touch deeper on the human need to open forbidden doors.
 


Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
 
I don't think that you ever need that first paragraph in near future SF. It is taken for granted, if you're writing near future SF and don't bother to show that our legal concepts have somehow become frozen at today's standard, you'll have a legal framework that differs markedly from what is common today.

To include a first paragraph like that one marks the narrator as a legal scholar or the author as a politicialist trying to write SF. Everyone that reads a lot of SF already knows that a story set more than a decade in the future is supposed to show more than a decade's worth of change in society. It's just that obvious.

By stating the obvious, you're saying that you don't think the audience is smart enough to know that already. Which marks your story as "political" fiction rather than SF. And political fiction just isn't worth writing. Nobody's going to read it unless they already agree with your point and don't care about anything other than whether they agree with the "point" of a story.

It's the same thing as kicking off your story with a diatribe against the current administration (or it's current opponents). You don't just lose half your audience, you lose all the audience that actually cares about your story rather than your politics.
 


Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
 
Yeah, I think the story starts to hook me with the second paragraph. The information in the first paragraph can come later in the story if you need it.

I'd be interested in reading the whole thing, if you want to email it to me.
 


Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
 
I'm in revision after the readings I had last week. I'll post a note when it's ready for readers of the second revision. Thanks.
 


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