Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Crown of A Dark God

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Posted by johnbrown (Member # 1467) on :

CROWN OF A DARK GOD
by John Brown

Day 1

The Goat King danced the crags by day, at night he came to feed,
And dupe the foolish farmer's wives to hold his monstrous breed.
The husbands sought to hunt him down and take him as he lay,
But the wily King, with a wicked touch, stole their souls away.
--From The Bright King of Koram

Chapter 1
The Courage Of Women

The men of Plum Village stood in the wan moonlight of early morning waiting to murder, for some, their very good friend the smith, his wife, and their two children. Oh, nobody called it murder, but that's where this would lead. And what other choice did they have?

They'd been joined by others in the district and divided into three groups. One group hid behind the Miller's. The other two had stationed themselves behind Galson's barn and a small grove on the outskirts of the village. The men stood for an hour, checking the buckles of each other's armor, wrestling with the shock of the matter, and waiting for the signal in absolute silence. A handful of the outsiders had boasted of what they'd do; the rest stood mute, either resigned to this necessity or scared witless.

----------------------------------
This is the opening to my completed novel. Please give me a general interest level on a scale of 1-5.

1 = ack, bor-ing
2 = little interest
3 = some interest
4 = strong interest
5 = wow, this sounds good

[This message has been edited by johnbrown (edited July 06, 2005).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

2, I guess. I think I could be interested in this, but you've done 2 things that make it harder for me:

* You started with a poem. I always skip poems. Except in Lord of the Rings, for some reason.

* You didn't identify a POV character. This is not a crime, but it does make it tougher for me to get into the story. I think the usual recommendation might be: if you really really know what you're doing, go ahead, but if not, it's best to start with convention: pick a character and show things from his perspective.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I really liked the poem. It sets the mood really well. But then I gravitate towards stuff like this. I don't think a lot of people will be drawn by this kind of hook though, so just don't depend on it to grab too many readers. This is more a matter of taste.

I have to agree with Will about the POV. It's a really good first line (I would just leave it at: "The men of Plum Village stood in the wan moonlight of early morning waiting to murder." to make it more dramatic), but then you lose me as I keep reading, cause I want to care but I have no idea who to care about.

So I'd give it a 3 on my end. You grabbed me with the poem, but lost me with your POV. But I'll give you a 4 for the idea. I can see something strange is going on right away. You'd just grab me better by making it more personal.

Hope this helped.

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

3 also. I actually liked the poem as well (assuming, and I do, that it's related). I wasn't thrown by the vague POV right off the bat, but it probably would be good to zone in on a main character soon if not already.

Posted by davidedwardsmusic (Member # 2678) on :

Day 1

Chapter 1
The Courage Of Women

That'd be a 2.5 for me. I found it hard to get into because of the omniscient point of view. That said, you had me pretty good at the first paragraph, especially with the line "What other choice did they have?" I wanted to immediately explore that question, but instead you backed off and talked more about how the troops were gathering and how they were feeling, which didn't seem to be where you were driving.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

3.5
I don't mind the omniscient as an opening; many good stories have been published using it. It is harder to do, but so far so good. I also have nothing against poems, although you should be warned that I read them faster than the rest of the text. And the poem does help tickle my interest.
And keeping in mind this is a novel, I'll give you a few more pages' leeway before I decide on the interest.
Although you do need to slip into a character pretty soon, because omniscient for a whole novel is not my cup of tea.

Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

I would give it a 3.5-4. I really want to know why these villagers have to kill their friend. The only thing that bothered me--took me out of the story--was the villagers having armor. Depending on your setting, villagers that can afford armor are not that common, it may work, but it did make me pause to wonder.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

The content seems strong, but you have a few presentation difficulties that promise a lot of wading. Not more than knee-deep so far, though. The POV issue has been mentioned. I didn't have a problem with the poem, I thought it was both good and intresting. The focus issue has been mentioned.

Check out your first sentance of the chapter. I can put about five distinct readings on that "for some," and that's not a good thing. Figure out what you're trying to say, and say it as clearly as possible.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

Maybe just cut, "for some, their very good friend the smith, his wife, and their two children." The "for some" deffinitely threw me out of the mood you had set with the first line. Maybe just move this info down. We don't really need to know who they're going to kill--maybe it's best not to--just let us know, "Yes someone will die, and even the people doing the murder don't really know why."

Ex. "The men of Plum Village stood in the wan moonlight of early morning waiting to murder. Oh, nobody called it murder, but that's where this would lead. And what other choice did they have?"

Posted by johnbrown (Member # 1467) on :

Very helpful comments. I appreciate your responses.

Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :

4 for me. This immedietly grabbed my attention with the poem. But I think you should start off with a character view point, and how he feels at the moment.

Quote: "The men of Plum Village stood in the wan moonlight of early morning waiting to murder, for some, their very good friend the smith, his wife, and their two children."

You are also explaining to much. Don't tell who they are about to kill. It would be better if the main character and his friend(if he has one) discussed behind a haystack how they remebered the smith. How it would be hard to kill him and his family, and blah blah blah. The reader would then become curious, and continue to read on. It will add on to the suspense as well.

HTH (Hope this Helped)

[This message has been edited by Storygiver (edited July 07, 2005).]

Posted by johnbrown (Member # 1467) on :

It sounds like the poem is working for most of you. And that the situation is interesting, even if you're not tugged in.

I don't know if this follows protocol, but I'd like to post just a bit more. If I shouldn't do this, then slap me.

The first chapter moves from omniscient into the view of a girl as shown below. I did this to make sure the situation was clear to the reader upfront and they could worry appropriately. Wondering what your response to this would be.

-------------------------------------
Chapter 1
The Courage Of Women

They'd been joined by others in the district and divided into three groups. One group hid behind the Miller's. The other two stationed themselves behind Galson's barn and a small grove on the outskirts of the village. The men stood for an hour, checking the buckles of what armor they had, wrestling with the shock of the matter, and waiting for the signal in absolute silence. A handful of the outsiders had boasted of what they'd do, but that was only to cover their fears. The smith was already a formidable warrior, and if the accusations against him were true, then the hundred who had gathered might not be enough to kill him.

Soon the approaching dawn silvered the fields and thatch roofs about Plum village and set the roosters to crowing. Cattle began to low, dogs to bark, and a few straggling deer decided it was now time to leave the fields and find cover. The men knew their signal was only moments away. Above them the stars in the west sky twinkled peacefully.

[This message has been edited by johnbrown (edited July 07, 2005).]

Note from Kathleen Dalton-Woodbury: 13 lines only, please.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 07, 2005).]

Posted by DavidGill (Member # 1688) on :

It's a strong "4" for me. The poem is the strongest hook, which is a surprise because I usually skim poetry. The omni narrative seemed a touch muddled here and there, and I wondered about the stars bit at the end.

[This message has been edited by DavidGill (edited July 07, 2005).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I can hardly deny you have an interesting hook when I use the same one in "The Accidental Witch". The idea is that you want to know why these people are coming to kill someone who is supposed to be their freidn. I'm guessing, from the hints in the second version, that there's a similar reason, too.

The poem is going to be fine so long as it ends up having some sort of relevance to the events, either directly or by highlighting some key contrast (I remember, many years ago, Bill Willingham using an apparently cliched device in an issue of his comic "The Elementals"; the actions of the heroes are paralleled with a sort of fairy-story narration, but the final page has the fairy-story caption saying that the heroes won and everyone lived happily ever after, while the full-page panel portrayed the heroes lying defeated at the foot of the villain; I always thought that was very effective).

One note; on the one hand they're said to be very shocked, but on the other, they seem extremely organised about what they're doing. That didn't quite feel right, unless they've done this before to other people (things...) and are only shocked because they have to do it to the smith for whatever reason...

Posted by lordnequam (Member # 2716) on :

I would have to rate my interest somewhere between a 2 and a 3.

For some reason, I am a lot more demanding of my fantasy stories than I am of any other genre. And I assume, by the rustic feel of the setting and the title and the poem, this is a fantasy story, or at least a story with fantastic elements.

The poem, itself, was not bad, but I have to wonder about how important it is. Unless there is some integral plot reason for it, or it gives information that the reader would not otherwise have access to that would help explain things, I would not use or. Or, at least, have one of the characters in the story say the poem to another at some point.

I am a little curious about what is going on with the mob, but the names of the places mean nothing to me. Are the miller's, the barn and the grove near the smithy or the smith's house? I know I am asking more than the thirteen lines really have time to reveal, so it may simply be the truncated nature of the submission which feeds most of my criticisms, but they are what strike me about the piece.