Quinten rolled over and pulled the blanket over his head.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
He groaned and pushed the blanket down as he glanced at the digital clock that stood on the dresser by the bedroom door. The angry red numbers blinked ‘2:02.’ Quinten mumbled as he shuffled from the bed to the door, smashing his toe on the way.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
“Dammit! I’m already on my way!” He yelled in frustration as he opened the door of his one room apartment.
In the moment that the door opened, Quinten saw someone shift in the deep shadow. He reached around the doorframe and flipped the light on. He only caught a glimpse of the butt of a gun before his world turned red.
[This message has been edited by Moonshine (edited July 05, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Moonshine (edited July 07, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Moonshine (edited July 07, 2005).]
Posted by hopekeeper (Member # 2701) on :
I liked the beginning, it got me interested because really you don't know anything at all. What did confuse me is when you switched perspectives to this Alex character... or maybe they are the same character? I really don't know where the "Alex" came from... otherwise I like it.
Posted by kkmmaacc (Member # 2643) on :
Welcome to Hatrack!
That sounds pretty good so far. The only problem I see is the repetition of "tap". After the first six, the reader just starts zooming over them without reading. I think you can keep, say, the first three. In my opinion, the story would improve quite a bit if after that you found some way to convey the constant tapping without actually using the word "tap." For example, you could just say in words that it is continuing ("The drumming continued."), or describe the MC interacting with it (he wonders where it is coming from, it echoes through his aching head, etc.)
Seems like a very suspenseful opener!
Best,
K.
Posted by Moonshine (Member # 2704) on :
Woops! I changed the name from Adam to Quinten after I wrote it...I guess that I forgot to fix that one. Sorry.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
So far so good. You got me hooked. Just the constant "Tap" thing got a little irritating. But that's easy to fix.
Welcome to Hatrck!
Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :
Yes, get rid of some of the tapping and this can work.
And ditto on the welcome.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
I'm interested, and I concur with the tap-tap's. I think you can cut it down to one tap-tap per instance rather than three. It would work for me, but it may still be too much for other readers.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
After everyone else's comments, I probably shouldn't say that I quite like the repetition of the "tap-tap". It drives home just how annoying it is, forcing the protagonist to react to it.
Just goes to show how critiquing can be a matter of stylistic choice, rather than absolute grammatical or linguistic rights and wrongs.
Posted by hopekeeper (Member # 2701) on :
I just caught something here... at the end you say his world turned "red" wouldn't it turn black if he went unconcious? Unless that's a little trick you threw in there to make the reader eventually go, "Oh, I never realized that he didn't actually get knocked out..." But I think I would like to see black instead of red... Just nitpicks, like I said it's really good.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Well, usually going unconscious involves forgetting the last few minutes prior to loss of consciousness. However, events of nearly going unconscious can produce a variety of effects. Everything turning red is one, seeing stars (actually, it looks more like faint static or perhaps sparks), blurring, dimness, there are a lot of things you might experience. Everything going black is just the most cliche.
I was puzzled by why it would be dark at 2 in the afternoon. I don't know why no one else has mentioned that. Maybe everyone thought the tapping was worse.
I don't have a problem with the tapping, except that it doesn't convey the impression of someone knocking on his door, however gently. And I think that this knocking is supposed to be more insistent than gentle, even if it isn't particularly loud (for, you know, knocking on a door). Tapping is what I do on the windows of bad children to...er, I mean it's not a noise that one associates with doors so much.
Posted by Moonshine (Member # 2704) on :
Oh my goodness! I did not even realize that I hadn't changed the time. Thank you so much. I've fixed some of the tapping and I've changed the time...Thank you!
Posted by bradford (Member # 2708) on :
The 2 in the afternoon did not bother me, I instantly assumed that he was a grave yard shift worker or something like that and had the room dark. This would also help add to why it was so annoying to be woke up. (anyone who has had this happens understands). The tap thing I think is ok if you are going for annoying
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It still says two in the afternoon. And "Tap. Tap. Tap." still doesn't sound like any kind of knocking on the door.
Posted by Moonshine (Member # 2704) on :
Now it says "2:02" and there are fewer taps. I'm not sure if I want to change the taps to knocks...I haven't decided.
Posted by hopekeeper (Member # 2701) on :
Just realized that the last two sentences both start with "He." Maybe you could change it to "He reached around the doorframe and flipped the light on, only (or some other adverb if you'd like) catching a glimpse of the butt of a gun before his world turned red."
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
Tap'ing did get annoying. Also, whether or not you may be conscious of this, beginning with a character waking up is a cliche that may make an editor groan.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Eh, so is starting with a character walking into a room (particularly a bar ). I don't mind scenes that begin with the beginning of a scene.
). I don't mind scenes that begin with the beginning of a scene.