Fantasy/horror(ish). Just under 1500 words. And I've actually worked out how to make sure I'm only posting the "real" first 13 lines
Outside, the wind howled across the dusty plain and beat at the walls of the town.
“Tell us another tale, grandfather!” they clamoured, all the little ones. Xiu Pang pulled at his moustache, long and grey and thin, and sipped his rice wine, and listened to the bamboo creak and rustle in the garden.
“It’s after the time when you were on your sleeping-mats,” he said thoughtfully.
“Oh, just one more story!” the young ones pleaded. The old man smiled. Oh, how they loved his tales!
“Make it a really scary one,” added Shao Kyu with all the solemnity of his seven years. Xiu Pang rocked back and forth where he sat and thought.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I would grant you slack on the theory that there's some reason for framing your scary story with the kids-asking-Grandpa thing, but if there isn't, I recommend just getting to the story. I'm not hooked. I think that's ok, provided the framing here is relevant.
Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :
Yey. A nice bit of oriental thing going on. I'd like to read the whole thing.
Just one sentence really made me keep going back to it & I still dont get it...
“It’s after the time when you were on your sleeping-mats,” he said thoughtfully.
I dont know what this means. I think you're trying to say to the kids its past their bedtime. But, I think you may have not typed it properly?
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
I thought the sleeping-mats thing was understandable. Anyone have memories of kindergarten? Many cultures don't have beds like we do, and the reference to a mat gives it a nice third-world tone.
Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :
If you truly want your story to be a horror, my advice: don't start off with a grandfather giving a story. Start off with a creepy asian proverb, a poem of the monster in your story, or anything else of the sort.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
I like the opening, but I understand Storygiver's statement.
To my western sensibilities - If this kindly grandfather tells the kiddies a really creepy, gruesome story, then I might begin to think him a bit of a sadist.
But, in some cultures, especially eastern and middle-eastern cultures, gore is an important part of legends, religious teachings, and mythology. Children are often taught the legends and mythology with explicit gore. So this might work because you have an oriental setting.
Edited to say - I'd like to read it.
[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited July 01, 2005).]
Posted by Meenie (Member # 2633) on :
I like your opening. Perhaps the grandfather is going to tell them something true Anyway, I'll read. I like your style of writing. Meenie
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Thanks for the comments. There is a good reason for framing the story.
benskia, newsBys, Meenie; it will be on the way soon.
Storygiver; you may be right. Perhaps I should start off with the monster in my story in some way
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
This sounds interesting...I'll pitch in another opinion if you're in need. Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
I only had trouble only with reconciling the image of a bamboo garden on the dusty plains. Bamboo generally doesn't like alkaline soils, dry wind and lack of water. Maybe Xiu is a dedicated gardener willing to lug a lot of water.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited July 05, 2005).]
