Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "The Blackthorne Age

This is topic "The Blackthorne Age - First Revolution" in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Blackthorne (Member # 2688) on :

As the topic suggests, this is the first book of (hopefully) eight. Here is the first thirteen lines.

Jason did not understand.
It had been six weeks since his uncle had written him, but here in his hands was an envelope. With the promise of a letter every week, Jason had become more worried as each day rolled by without a message. Yet, now, after all that time, there was another letter in his hands.
The packaged message Jason held was bigger than the others had been. Normally, the letters were very clean and white, but this one had dirt smudges all over it. Some of it may have been caused by the enthusiastic handling of international mail services, but there seemed to be something different about the clinging dust. His eyes darted to the stamp, but found a clump of brown mess smudged over it. The return address was also illegible, causing Jason to become even more frustrated. “Where are you, uncle?” he thought, turning the envelope around.
Each letter arrived from a different location, with stamps from France, Switzerland, Germany, Russia, Saudi Arabia…anywhere that Jason’s uncle believed he could find the “Land of the Ancients”. “For that’s where I will find my treasure, Jason,” his uncle would tell him. “In the Land of the Ancients.”

Tell me what you think.

-Nate Halliday

[This message has been edited by Blackthorne (edited June 29, 2005).]

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

quote:
With the promise of a letter every week, Jason had become more worried as each less day rolled by without a message.

This doesn't quite make sense ... "each less day" isn't a proper phrase. You might try something like: "as each day rolled by". Your reader will infer that it is one day less.

There is a lot of talk about how the letter looks, how clean and white the others were, the dirt and smudges... IMHO a little too much detail about boring stuff and not enough detail about how the character feels. You can briefly mention that this letter looks different, more travel-weary, than the others, but then move on. It slows your start down to a crawl when you can least afford it.

I wasn't hooked for these reasons, but with a little tightening, I can see that it has possibilities.

Posted by abby (Member # 2681) on :

I agree the phrase "as each day less rolled by" isn't clear. Maybe you changed it and forgot a part?

I see it different, I see the envelope paragraph showing a lot of what the character is thinking, fear, concern, maybe other emoptions as well. It builds a great deal of suspense, some of which I hope you distill by haveing him open the envelope in the next paragraph, or does he pocket it till a more appropriate time when the contents can be better viewed?

Good luck on the story.

Posted by Blackthorne (Member # 2688) on :

Fixed the sentence (Thanks).

As for the description...it was meant to attach suspense around the letter. It isn't opened until chapter two, and a lot of background comes out between each description. Some of that can be seen in the end of paragraph two and paragraph three. I do agree that I may have drawn it out a bit, however.

[This message has been edited by Blackthorne (edited June 29, 2005).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'm going to be brutal, but I think it will help. All my opinions, take waht you want & leave the rest. [Deletions] in brackets, ADDITIONS in all caps.
--
[Jason did not understand.] [What's to understand? Since I don't know at the end of the next paragraph, I'd strike this.
It had been six weeks since his uncle had written him[, but here in his hands was an envelope. With the promise of a letter every week,] USUALLY THERE WAS A LETTER A WEEK, AND Jason had become more worried as each day rolled by without a message. [WHY? UNCLES' SAFETY? ARE MOM AND DAD WORRIED TOO?] [Yet, now, after all that time, there was another letter in his hands.]
[The packaged message Jason held was bigger than the others had been. Normally, the letters were very clean and white, but] this one had dirt smudges all over it. [Some of it may have been caused by the enthusiastic handling of international mail services, but there seemed to be something different about the clinging dust.] [I'D STRIKE THIS UNLESS YOU CAN TELL US WHAT'S DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS DUST.] [His eyes darted to] the stamp[, but found a clump of] HAD brown mess smudged over it. [I CAN'T PICTURE THE BROWN MESS. POOP? STICKY STUFF?] The return address was [also] illegible[, causing Jason to become even more frustrated. “Where are you, uncle?” he thought, turning the envelope around.] [WHY WOULD HE BE FRUSTRATED? HE COUDL JUST OPEN THE LETTER.]

Each letter arrived from a different location, with stamps from France, Switzerland, Germany, Russia, Saudi Arabia…anywhere that Jason’s uncle believed he could find the “Land of the Ancients”. “For that’s where I will find my treasure, Jason,” his uncle would tell him. “In the Land of the Ancients.” [THIS IS GOOD AND HOOK-Y. YOU MIGHT MOVE IT TO WHERE JASON THINKS ABOUT THE USUAL LETTERS. AT THIS POINT I'M IMPATIENT TO SEE *THIS* ONE.]

Good hook, I think; just needs some cutting.

Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :

Blimey.
Eight books. That's a lot.
Are you sure you need to string it out over so long? I got fed up with Harry Potter after book 2, so dont over egg the pudding, unless you're sure they will all be interesting.

I thought it was quite good how you did the description of the package & got us thinking along with the MC as to where his Uncle could be.

However, are you sure you need to wait until chapter 2 to reveal the contents? If the MC is as desprate to know where his Uncle is, then he'd rip it open right now. Are you sure you're not forcing the hook too much by stringing this out too much?

Posted by abby (Member # 2681) on :

wbriggs, thanks for the constructive criticism of this one. I think I better understand some of the questions you are asking when you read, and how you want them answered.

Posted by Blackthorne (Member # 2688) on :

Wow, thanks for all the responses. WBriggs, the first line is important for later events in the story, however, I am going to include it more sensibly in the rewrite. I have also decided to include a flashback at the beginning to give some understanding about the relationship between Jason and his uncle (it was originally there anyway, and included the lines in paragraph three, but it took up most of the thirteen lines). I have adjusted the brown mess line to instead say, 'The stamp had dirt smudged over it, most likely done by the thumb over an enthusiastic mail carrier,' combining it with the line previous to it. More importantly, it needs to be noted that later on, he finds a message not to open it until until a certain date on the back of the letter (it's actually the next line). I might include the stamp/address description after mentioning that.
Anyway, great criticism, and I'm glad you think that it hooks the reader well.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

A flashback in the beginning is a Great Big Red Flag - it usually means you have started your story in the wrong place.

Trust your readers to understand the relationship between the characters without a lot of explaining. People want to read the *story*, not the setup - so write the story, not the backstory.

Posted by Blackthorne (Member # 2688) on :

Sorry "flashback" was the wrong word. Let's say I allude to a previous event. The reason I include it is fill in some background that I won't be able to include later. After he opens the letter, the story moves very fast, and I felt it was necessary to sacrifice a little time in the beginning in order to keep the pace at further points.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I tend to agree that making this the opening of the first book of "hopefully" eight is rather...dangerous.

Make it a book. That is best. It is enough to hope that this book will get written. For now, put other thoughts aside.

I don't hate this opening so far, but it does begin with some lackluster bits. I would recommend that you open with a scene. Is Jason at home, the local post-office, his uncle's house, or what? Let us know exactly how the letter came into his possession, then start giving us info about its significance.

You're internal action in reaction to the arrival (or discovery, I'm not sure which it is) of this package is good but could use a lot more clarity.

I think that you're probably starting the story in the right place, and that's a good thing. Don't worry if you need to have a flashback or two after the story starts moving. Just make sure that they make sense with the story so far.