Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 13 lines of Chapter-1

This is topic 13 lines of Chapter-1 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Suñadoru (Member # 2672) on :

I'm looking for critiques of this opening and of the entire chapter which runs to slightly over 6300 words.

Adam
============================================

Donovan Kitamura stood on the balcony overlooking the glittering waters of Lake Shallahwey. The sun was going down. He took another sip of his tea – not the local stuff, which really was improving, but imported Terran tea, genuine Oolong, 100 credits per quarter jin. He swallowed, inhaled the fragrance of the tea mixing with the butter-honey fragrance of the lingana vines entwined and blossoming in the balustrade. He took another sip; matters of cargo manifests and profits, loads of fire ambers and mist pearls occupying his mind more than he would have cared for.
Suddenly, Aemelliana was there slipping her small hand into his. He knelt down to kiss her forehead, “How is the most precious of all my jewels?”
She smiled at him. “Must you go again, Daddy?” She shuffled her feet making soft scuffing noises with the soles of her nantha suede boots – a match for those her father wore.
“You know I do, Melli. But it’s only for a short time. I’ll be back in six months – before your birthday. And this time I’ll bring you whatever gem you wish.”

Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

I like your beginning. The only line that really stood out as a little awkward was "with the soles of her nantha suede boots". Up to this point the exotic descriptions worked ok, but this is where it hit me as being a little overdone. Couldn't it just be "with the soles of her boots"? Do you really need to describe them in this detail?

Posted by MCameron (Member # 2391) on :

I have one little nitpick:

quote:
genuine Oolong, 100 credits per quarter jin

Since I don't know how much a quarter jin is, and I also don't know how much 100 credits are worth, this phrase is pretty meaningless. Perhaps you could follow it up with something like "That was enough to buy a [something expensive]."

As a side note, I thought that Oolong merely referred to the method of partially fermenting the tea leaves before drying. I didn't think it was a particular tea. Now, if you said that it was "genuine Darjeeling," then I would be impressed, because that stuff is fairly expensive even now. And it has a wonderful flavor.

Just call me "Tea Lady". At the moment I have 15 varieties of tea in my house, not counting herbals, and none of them are Liptons.

Back to your story. Although I would consider your enumeration of the various alien items to be annoying in another context, here it works. Since your character is a merchant, it is believable that he would notice exactly what each item is, and how much it is worth. So the "nantha suede boots" didn't bother me.

EDIT: One way to make the boot description work for more people might be something like this: "nantha suede boots, which he had brought back from [planet] for her birthday." Or something to that effect.

--Mel

[This message has been edited by MCameron (edited June 29, 2005).]

Posted by Alexis (Member # 2687) on :

I think you have a good hook here. The alien items, as Mel metioned, work well here to create a feeling of luxury that intrigued me. The buying and selling of gems further drew me in. High stakes + wealthy character (to me) promised adventure.

That being said, these two sentences don't really work for me.

quote:
He swallowed, inhaled the fragrance of the tea mixing with the butter-honey fragrance of the lingana vines entwined and blossoming in the balustrade. He took another sip; matters of cargo manifests and profits, loads of fire ambers and mist pearls occupying his mind more than he would have cared for.

I think it may be your use of "ing" verbs, which have their place but might be changed here for stronger writing. For example, instead of "...tea MIXING with the frangrance..." it could be "tea, MIXED with the frangrance..." That way it sounds more like the frangrances are mixed and less like the tea and vines are.
In the next sentence, you might have to change the "occupying" to "occupied" if you want to keep the semicolon. I'm pretty sure that semicolons belong between two sentences that could otherwise stand alone, which is not the case here. Also, it's not clear if and how cargo manifests and profits are related to the loads of gems. Maybe you could write something like:
"The scents should have calmed him, but today matters of cargo manifests and profits -- loads of fire ambers and mist pearls -- occupyed his mind more than he would have cared for."

[This message has been edited by Alexis (edited June 29, 2005).]

Posted by Creativity Rising (Member # 2666) on :

Suñadoru,

I'm tight on time, so I cannot add any new comment on the opening, other than to say I like it, and would be willing to give you more feedback on the entire chapter if you would e-mail me a copy.

In creativity rising,

John

John A. Manley
creativityrising@distributel.net

[This message has been edited by Creativity Rising (edited June 29, 2005).]

Posted by Suñadoru (Member # 2672) on :

I have no idea if Oolong is made form only one type of leaf (since there are several sub-varieties of Oolong), but I do know that *real* Oolong is only grown/produced in Taiwan and along the south coast of China (Fujian and Guangdong provinces). It happens to be one of my favorites.

A jin is an old Chinese measure of weight still used in the traditional markets of Taiwan where I enjoyed buying my tea while I lived there. A jin is about 1 1/3lbs. so a quarter jin is a little over 5oz.

How much or little 100 credits might translate to in present day US dollars (or any other currency of the here and now) I have no idea and leave that entirely to the readers imagination. But 100 credits in their world is a tidy sum for tea.

I've never considered knowing the exchage rates of extra-terrestrial curencies or the specifics of otherworldly systems of weights and measures (though this one is treestrial) important in a sci-fi story. Do other readers find this info important to spell out in great detail? I'd get annoyed with an author who did, when it wasn't of *great* importance to the story. YMMV.

Oh, and Darjeeling shows up in chapter two if you'd care to read more.

Adam

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

Sure, a lengthy exposition of the currency and units of measure of your world would be tedious. I doubt anyone would recommend that. I don't care about the specifics - what I care about, or should care about, is what these figures mean to your characters and your story.

You say later that it's "a tidy sum" - that's what I need to know. And the original description does not convey that, because I don't have any frame of reference for your currency or measures. You might be describing the equivalent of buying a truckload of tea for $0.05, or a tiny pinch for $100; I have no way of knowing.

Posted by Alexis (Member # 2687) on :

I don't think it was what 100 credits could buy in our world but what 100 credits could buy in their world that Mel wanted clarified. In my experience, any description should have significance and allow the reader to more clearly envision the subject of description. While you the author might have a great idea of what "100 credits per quarter jin", Mel, I, and other average readers will not. Therefore the description is ineffective.

You're right - no need to tell us that 100 credits is "blank" US dollars, as you would draw the reader out of your world. I suggest (and I think this was what Mel was suggesting, correct me if I'm wrong Mel) that you give the reader instead an idea of the price per weight in your world's terms. What is currently a meaningless description to the reader could then become an effective one. Something like:

"...100 credits per quarter jin. A small bag of the stuff was worth as much as 'blank (large) amount' of 'foreign term (like nantha) but reader can relate (like suede boots)'"

Good luck!

Edit: You beat me to it Beth.

[This message has been edited by Alexis (edited June 30, 2005).]

Posted by MCameron (Member # 2391) on :

Yes, Beth and Alexis are right about what I was saying. Sorry I wasn't clearer.

And, cool. I learned something new about tea. I think I've just met a bigger tea snob than me

Sure, send the chapter my way. My email is in the profile.

--Mel

Posted by Blackthorne (Member # 2688) on :

I'd like to read it also. While I'm not a great critic, I enjoy giving authors questions I thought of and ideas I liked in a story.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'll read.

I'm not hooked. The language is beautiful, but nothing's happening except Daddy going away on business (a common occurrence in lots of worlds, I'm sure!), and although I get that they're rich, if I'm going to be hooked by the opulence, there needs to be some twist. I don't know what that would be. Or maybe it could be some twist on the father-daughter relationship, like him trying to buy her affection -- unhappy families are interesting.

I had no problem with 100 credits per jin, although I didn't know what a jin or a credit was. I got from MC's attitude that this was pricey (and it would be, I think, if it's imported from Earth).

"Donovan Kitamura" is rather earnestly multicultural; not bad, but I did notice.

I'd strike "not the local stuff, which really was improving, but imported Terran tea," -- I get that it's expensive and prestigious, and I think he'd be thinking about its luxury, not the local store-brand stuff.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Yeah, knowing that this item is traded profitably across interstellar distances tells us it's pretty darn expensive, and you reinforce that by mentioning other items worth lugging between stars. Any attempt at comparing modern currancy with the currancy of an interstellar economy would be pointless anyway, everything that has to be imported is more expensive than anything that can be locally built, that's a fundamental rule of economics anyway, with a major multiplier when you're talking about starships.

As for local tea, I take it that he usually drinks that, so it makes sense to mention it in comparison. It lets us know that this is a special treat for him, though not why he's indulging himself.

I do think that "nantha suede" went a bit too far, but that's a pretty minor nit. Overall, the opening is good. You're imagery is earnest, if not perfect. But perfection is only an ideal, not a practical necessity.

I wouldn't mind critiquing the chapter sometime, but I'm lagging a bit on critting these days. So send it if you're willing to wait a bit