Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Work In Progress

This is topic Work In Progress in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by LeGLeSs (Member # 2655) on :

i know this is like longer than what is allowed to be posted but i really wanted to post what i've got so far.. it's a one off, promise!
anyway here's what i have, any comments would be a BIG help..thanx, mwah!

Ross looked down at his watch, twenty past eight and Hayley still hadn’t arrived at the local café, the meeting place for their first date. 9 o’ clock and he still sat alone; she was now two hours late. Leaning back in his chair that was placed near the window, Ross sighed and again looked around for Hayley, Nowhere to be seen. Where could she be? He wondered to himself, continuing to lean back in the chair. Another hour passed before Ross stood up and walked out the café into the humid summer night.

Kicking stones, head hung low, hands in pockets; Ross made his way towards home. The street was slowly getting quieter. Turning a corner he froze as he looked up. There she was standing there, unmoving, staring straight ahead. Looking behind to see what she was looking there was nothing. Turning back to face her again, he looked at her puzzled. Another though passed through his mind. Is she ok? What is going on? This isn’t normal. Walking towards her he noticed she had a slight glow around her.
‘What the…?” whispering to himself, raising a hand to reach out to her. “Hayley?”
No reply, no movement, nothing.

Posted by shinigamideathgirl (Member # 2661) on :

Hello,

I did have the impression this was a reality based story... until I got to the part where 'Hayley' started glowing.

Well, it sounds alright but there isn't a very strong hook to grab the reader's attention.

Posted by LeGLeSs (Member # 2655) on :

mmm since ive posted this ive decided to get rid of the glow... n make it more realistic .. im workin on it tho hehe thanx

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

quote:
Ross looked down at his watch, twenty past eight and Hayley still hadn’t arrived at the local café, the meeting place for their first date.

This is comma spliced unless I am missing something.

quote:
Ross sighed and again looked around for Hayley,

Since you capitilize the next word, this should be a period.

quote:

Kicking stones, head hung low, hands in pockets; Ross made his way towards home.

I don't believe that there should be a semicolon here.

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

Also:

quote:
Where could she be? He wondered to himself, continuing to lean back in the chair.

Unless you change "He" to "he", you've got an incomplete sentence.

quote:
There she was standing there....

You really don't want two "there"s.

quote:
Looking behind to see what she was looking there was nothing.

You need an "at" after "looking" (or something--as written this sentence makes no sense).

I stopped reading here since that's the end of the sentence that began on the thirteenth line.

[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited June 27, 2005).]

Posted by Killerkop (Member # 2671) on :

"The street was slowly getting quieter"

You want to avoid use of adverbs that end in ly. The street was getting quieter should do fine and use other sentances to let the reader determine the pace of how its happening.
I once had a line in a story that said The sun set slowly in the west, well i took out slowly then was like the sun set in the west, well duh where else would it set. Then i just had the sun set. Ultimately, i took it out, but adverbs can hide such loose sentances.

[This message has been edited by Killerkop (edited June 27, 2005).]