She sat in soft yellow sand, which was stained red with what she was sure was her blood. The scent of salt mixed in with the air and it gave her a sense of uneasiness, and though the sun was shining brightly, there was a chill wind that made her tiny body shiver.

--

Well, that's the first 13 lines of my short story. It's a fantasy story, only 8000 words, and i'm writing it for a project in school.

It's basically a look at one of my characters in another story I'm writing, so I can learn more about her and her past.

It's already finished, doesn't have a title just yet, and I'm looking for anyone willing to give advice on the whole thing. Any help at all would be really appreciated. Thanks heaps
 

quote:

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She winced in pain as she discovered lacerations all over her arms and face – she was certain more covered the rest of her body

---

Good luck with this.

By the way, I’ve never felt soft sand at the beach…it’s gritty. And white sand would work better for red blood.

Half conscious, (Electra, Rose, Daphne, Hilda, Millie) sat up in the red stained sand. The scent of salt in the air made her uneasiness, and though the sun shone brightly, the wind chilled her tiny body.

Sorry I can’t critique the whole thing right now but I bet if you go through it and circle all the “to be” verbs you’ll be amazed…

[This message has been edited by M_LaVerne (edited June 26, 2005).]
 

That said, the protagonist should have a name. Don't wait too long before giving it to us. I'll happily accept no name in the first paragraph, but by the second, I'll want to know -- UNLESS she doesn't know her name, which could be your intent, and if so, we should get a hint of this fairly quick.

Good luck.

 

In my first draft, I did have her bring a hand to her face, but this is my second draft and I must have cut it without realising. Thanks for pointing this out to me.

Also, I did not realise that I wasn't giving her any reaction to the situation. I guess she could be in shock, and if that was the case, I'd have to incorporate that into the story somehow.

Finally, she can't remember anything but her name, which you find out in the next few lines, but if it's not in the first 13 lines, does that make it too late? The only reason I don't mention her name is because she doesn't think about it until she is asked.

Anyway, thanks for the advice again! I'm taking it all in and trying to fix up my story now. Thanks again!
 

M_LaVerne,

Quote: "The scent of salt in the air made her uneasiness, and though the sun shone brightly, the wind chilled her tiny body."

Do you mean, "The scent of the salt in the air made her uneasy,....." Or "...made her feel uneasy..."

Sorry, "Uneasiness.." doesn't seem right.

This may sound a little dumb, but what's a 'to be' verb?

To:

hybred,

I think she should have a more emotional response, as well.

"To be" verbs: is are was were etc.

Of course, you can't avoid using them entirely but overusing them kills your prose. I always edit with an eye for stronger verbs...
 

quote:

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Finally, she can't remember anything but her name, which you find out in the next few lines, but if it's not in the first 13 lines, does that make it too late? The only reason I don't mention her name is because she doesn't think about it until she is asked.

---

Depends on how long we have to wait. But if she does know her name and nothing else, then that would be one of the first things I would mention, along with her present situation, of course. You might be able to get away with not mentioning her name for a short while. It can be done effectively. Though it is sometimes said that one thing editors look for (to reject a story) is if a character remains unnamed for a long time. And anyway, just because she doesn't think about her name doesn't mean she is without awareness of self. So, if she knows who she is, then I'd say go with name -- unless it's critical to the plot that she be asked it later.

Regarding "to be" verbs:

I think what M_Laverne is trying to get at is: avoid passive sentences, and write active ones whenever possible. And "was" dominates as the verb of choice in the above fragment. I wouldn't necessarily call the list above "to be" verbs, though -- that expression is a tad confusing. Consider thinking of them as passive or "weak" verbs.

Still, as previously noted, sometimes the author can't avoid them.

As an example, this sentence could be written slightly more active:

quote:

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Adjusting to the sunlight, she was finally able to take in her surroundings; only, she did not recognise them at all.

---

Rewritten, the part in brackets I would recommend cutting, but I'll leave it to match your text as closely as possible.

[Finally adjusted to the sunlight], she took in her surroundings; yet she did not recongize them.
 

quote:

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I'd say "static" instead of "passive," though, to avoid giving the impression that you're saying it's written in passive voice.

---

Perhaps. Of course, "static" might make one think of static electricity, thereby giving the impression of shocking or electrifying prose.

Shall we agree on another word, then?
 

Let's take the most "to be"-dense line:

quote:

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She sat in soft yellow sand, which was stained red with what she was sure was her blood.

---

quote:

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She sat in soft yellow sand, stained red with her blood.

---

But don't go overboard. I've known some people who seemed to think that every use of "to be" was evil. Even passive voice has its uses. Just become aware of these things--use them intentionally, rather than by default.

Edit: "static" electricity is electricity that doesn't move, like when a balloon is attracted to the wall because of differing charges. When you get a shock, the electricity is no longer static. It was a static charge that built up, waiting for you to touch the charged object. When you do, and the spark jumps, you have (for a brief moment) current electricity.

In any case, I think "static" is an official term for verbs that don't involve motion: to be, to feel, etc. Some of them seem more active than others: "to see" is more active-seeming than "to be", but it's still a static verb. "To look", on the other hand, is active. You can tell, usually, by seeing what form they're used in present tense. Active verbs take the present progressive: I'm going to the store. I'm looking at my new car. Static verbs take straight present: I see my new car. I feel hungry.

2nd EDIT: Actually, I don't think that "which was stained with..." is passive after all: "stained with..." is simply a modifier of "which", which makes it another predicate adjective formation. But it sure sounds like passive voice.

[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited June 27, 2005).]
 

quote:

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don't go overboard. I've known some people who seemed to think that every use of "to be" was evil. Even passive voice has its uses. Just become aware of these things--use them intentionally, rather than by default.

---

quote:

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"static" electricity is electricity that doesn't move, like when a balloon is attracted to the wall because of differing charges. When you get a shock, the electricity is no longer static. It was a static charge that built up, waiting for you to touch the charged object. When you do, and the spark jumps, you have (for a brief moment) current electricity.

---

Oh, I know. I was an electrician once. But I just fast-forwarded to the next phase. Invariably, once that charge can find a route to earth (you), it will shock you. We almost never think about "potential" charge (static electricity) unless we have been shocked or rubbing balloons on our heads to make our hair stand up... well, some of us did that once.

And thinking about it: I like static to describe those verbs now. Because prose that uses too many of them has the "potential" of being something much better: shocking, electrifying prose.
 

I really think "static" is best, too.
 

Mary awoke to the fierce rays of the sun in her face. Shielding her eyes, she sat up.
As she adjusted to the intense light, she saw the lacerations that covered her arms and legs.
"Oh God!" she cried. She put her hands to her face and they came away red with her blood. Then she saw the blood tinged sand around her and she scrambled backwards in fear.
Although the day was hot, there was a chill in the wind that sent a shiver over her body.

The idea I'm trying to convey is that you will get us into the story much better if you make us feel what she is feeling as she feels it. You did a nice job of description and you used a lot of the senses, which is very good, but in the beginning of your story you want to grab us, to hook us, so we'll want to know more about what's going on.
Is your character a child? When you said "her tiny body" I wondered if she were a child.
Meenie

So here's my first 13 lines revised:

--

She slowly slipped into consciousness, the sun’s rays glaring fiercely down at her. Shielding her eyes, she forced herself to sit up, bringing a hand to her forehead. It stung at her touch; she jerked her hand away finding it covered in blood, and then saw lacerations covering her arms and legs. She cried out, jumping to her feet and found the sand beneath her stained red with blood.

Her heart was racing, tears forming at the edge of her eyes. She took in her surroundings, only she did not recognise them at all. The scent of salt in the air made her uneasy, and though the sun shone brightly, the wind chilled her tiny body. Before her sat a great sea - it looked magnificent, like a thousand diamonds scattered across a great blue plain. But she didn’t think it was beautiful. In fact, it frightened her.

--

Meenie - yes, at this point in the story, she is a child, which I probably should have mentioned in my first post.
 

But -- and you knew this was coming, didn't you? -- there could be a continuity issue with the following:

quote:

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Shielding her eyes, she forced herself to sit up, bringing a hand to her forehead.

---

A few things about this sentence troubles me, and it's mostly the order of information given. First, you tell us she IS shielding her eyes, then she forces herself to sit, and finally she IS bringing a hand to her forehead. And what's wrong? Well, technically nothing, but it depends on how a reader interprets it.

When I read it, I saw the girl sheilding her eyes by placing her hand just over her brow (or on the lower forehead). So, that's the image I have, and then a moment later, you tell me she's bringing a hand on her forehead.

But I understand what you're trying to do. What if you combined the two actions in one go, like (and very roughly, you'll need to reword, of course): She brought a hand up to her forehead to shield her eyes and winced from the pain.

Regardless of what you choose to do, that sentence is a bit awkward for me. But you can't please everyone.

And I'm going to way out on a limb here and suggest that you don't show us every little action she does. You can wring just as must tension by simply stating the facts as they are, and we likely don't need a play-by-play, moment-by-moment of her coming to. Would it not suffice to simply say something like:

Slowly, she slipped into consciousness, at first aware of only intense and blinding sunlight bearing down her. The air was salty and soon she realized she was lying on the soft sand of a beach; the sound of waves and gulls filling her ears.

And there was pain when she sat up. Lots of it. She discovered numerous lacerations covering her arms and legs, and she felt even more on her face when she tried to shield her eyes from the sun.

How did I get here? What happened?

***

This is essentially what you have, but it skips the actual physical actions / play-by-play. It tells us everything we need to know right away and lets the readers infer all of the necessary physical action. Sometimes, it's better to cut to the chase, rather than dragging it out one step at a time. It's up to you, though... and my example isn't any better than yours, it's only a different way of telling the same thing.

Good luck.
 

Sorry to disagree with others here,

In the first option, I have to say I liked the first paragraph. It makes me want to settle down on a nice chair in the sunshine with something only slightly cool to drink to enjoy a full day of reading. I thought the second paragraph probably wasn't finished when you reached the 13 lines limit.

Good luck!
 

Actually stative *is* the correct techincal term used in linguistics for the type of verb which describes a state rather than an action. Static would be wrong in a technical discussion. But since either is easily understood and likely few here want or need to learn the full techical vocabulary of linguistics, settling on a universally acceptable term is more important than being correct.

Adam
 

quote:

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The scent of salt in the air made her uneasy, and though the sun shone brightly, the wind chilled her tiny body.

---

quote:

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Before her sat a great sea - it looked magnificent, like a thousand diamonds scattered across a great blue plain. But she didn’t think it was beautiful. In fact, it frightened her.

---

It was really helpful, now I can look over my work with this new infromation!