This isn't taken from anything I've written, it was just something I typed up to post here. I wanted to see what you thought of my syle and whatever is wrong with it, if there is.
They called them Steel Flowers. Hulking machines with the power to kill anything they so wished, or if they were told to by higher powers. Their AI had been removed, taken out by force by other powers that have never been named, but are thought of as evil in the eyes of the military. Holy in the eyes of the commom person. The villagers watched the mechs come closer and closer from the horizon as they all put on a heroic veil of confidence. They were terrified. Hundreds of them were coming this way. To destroy them. ‘Are you scared?’ asked Menol, her hands shaking. ‘No,’ her daughter replied – and she wasn’t.
Posted by rustafarianblackpolarbear (Member # 2638) on :
it has a nice rhythm but the people are very randomly introduced.
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
I strikes me as a little choppy. I think the main problem is that you've chosen not to use subject/verb sentence construction in occasional sentences. While it's a stylistic choice and therefore entirely up to you, be aware that it reads awkwardly and might take away from the story.
Is this intended to be something like story notes, or are you planning to write something entirely in this voice?
[This message has been edited by Jeraliey (edited June 24, 2005).]
Posted by kkmmaacc (Member # 2643) on :
I thought it was pretty good. Write the rest of it, polish it up and post the first 13 again to ask for volunteer readers for the whole thing.
Best,
K.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I am intrigued! But I'm also confused.
I had to reread it to get that they still had circuitry for taking orders (since the AI had been removed). I don't get why the military and the commoners are at odds, about dangerous things approaching the area.
>They were terrified. Hundreds of them were coming this way. To destroy them.
Too many "they/thems" without distinguishing antecedents, for me.
I'd rather we get to the POV character rather than "the villagers," first. Just go ahead and zoom in, I think.
I'd keep reading.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
I'm sort of scratching my head wondering about something. You aren't the first person to type up a scrap of something and toss it here for a mini-critique and my comment isn't specifically directed at you, but it does bring up the question for me again.
Every time I see a statement that effectively says, "I just pulled these few sentences quickly out of thin air, what do you think?" I feel a little... hmmm... insulted. It takes time for the critiquers to critique. I guess I'm wondering why we should invest OUR time in critiquing when the writer hasn't invested any time whatsoever in thinking about, or writing the story.
This isn't intended to be a slam, I'm just wondering WHY this continues to happen? What benefit does the writer gain from these little exercises, and why is our help even necessary if there isn't a more in-depth story behind the 13 lines?
Posted by kkmmaacc (Member # 2643) on :
Glasgow joined the board 2 days ago. He probably wants to see if we'll bite his head off before submitting something he's more emotionally invested in. Some sites can be pretty harsh, so I don't see that as an unreasonable reaction.
It seems to me like he has a nice writing style and will acquit himself quite well when he moves on to write a more extended piece, which I think everyone here would join me in encouraging him to do.
Welcome, Glasgow!
-K.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Welcome Glasgow! I liked it the second time I read it better than the first, mostly for clarification. It does seem a bit choppy, but that's easily fixed.
I was hooked by the premise. I like the "Steel Flowers". The name makes them easy to picture.
For just pulling it out of the air I'd say good job. I'd like to see some of your finished pieces.
Posted by Glasgow (Member # 2668) on :
Hello! I'd just like to say that because I wrote this out with not the faintest thought going into it (well, there was a little bit, but not enough), I feel that it wasn't as strong as what I would normally do. I currently have to deal with a laptop that contains everything I've written, not being able to use it because it's bust, and the thought that I may lose everything on it because of its bust-ness. Doesn't make me happy. When, and if, I get everything sorted out then you'll see a lot more of me. A scary thought.
Posted by shinigamideathgirl (Member # 2661) on :
Hi!
I was just wondering, have you ever seen 'Samurai7'?
Your story reminded me of the series... I know this is just a very random comment.
