Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Destroyer's dance take two

This is topic Destroyer's dance take two in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

I rewrote the begining. Does this work, or are you bored out of your mind?

#
At the end of the monsoon season, a Gifted hermit and three priests came to my house. Three priests, one for each god of the Triad: Creator, Protector and Destroyer. And a Gifted hermit, for the untamed wisdom of the forest.

"We have come for your wife," they told me.

I stood, shock-still. Deri had been playing in silence with our two-year-old son, Karale, but now she rose, and came to stand by my side. She did not look at me.

"Tell me," she said, softly.

The white-haired hermit was the one who spoke. Her face looked ageless, and her skin held the palor of things that lived forever in shadow. "My name is Emodhe. I was Gifted by the Triad three days ago, and I saw you in the vision the gods granted me."

"I no longer matter in the hierarchy of the temple, or in the mortal world," Deri said, her voice toneless. I could not read the expression in her eyes. "The gaze of the Triad should pass over me."

[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited June 22, 2005).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I would rather the POV character and the wife be afraid, than "toneless." If she's simply uninterested, it's just a sort of job offer, and I don't know enough to be interested in it.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

Erm, his wife is not afraid at all, and that's the problem.
He, on the other hand, is very much afraid.
Possibly I could show that.

Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :

Hi.

This is a hard one, but I'm not sure about this paragraph:

At the end of the monsoon season, a Gifted hermit and three priests came to my house. Three priests, one for each god of the Triad: Creator, Protector and Destroyer. And a Gifted hermit, for the untamed wisdom of the forest.

The reason being is that we're supposed to be in the guy's POV, but would he really be explaining to himself that the three priests represented each of the gods.

Maybe another way to do it would be to introduce them as each one spoke their part.

Like you could say something similar to - 'the white haired one, whose attire indicated him as representing the god of creation said....'