Hi, this is a short story. Sci-fi setting. 2000 words Does it grab? Any readers would be great.
Edit: Forgot to mention, there is some low-level coarse language.
Leon raged through the tunnels he had carved from the red rock himself. ‘Julie!’ the woman didn’t answer. 'Julie! Where the hell are you?’ He stormed into the kitchen, another cavity he’d gouged-out himself with pick and hammer. Julie was there sitting beneath the only skylight in the house. She was nursing a bottle of sweet potato gin. ‘You into it already?’ he spat the words at her. She stirred from her stupor, ‘I can’t work today.’ He regarded her as he would a bag-lady; one he happened to have married.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 21, 2005).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Not hooked -- mostly because I find the man so repulsive I don't care what happens to him. (Or her, for that matter.) If I liked the characters, I might well be interested in this carving-out-a-home thing.
Posted by KevinK (Member # 2664) on :
Just a few things you need to tweak. When you say "... he had carved from the rock 'himself'". The 'himself' is not needed in the two places you used them, and serve more so as a distraction. If you want to emphasize more thoroughly on how he created everything, I suggest writing a paragraph or just a sentence about how hard or easy it was to do so. The 'himself' should be dropped. Other than that, I'd just reccomend going over it again after a few days, and rearranging a few of the sentences so they flow together more smoothly. I'm not sure if the style caught me, but I am interested in what's going on, so that's a plus.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
I'm interested in the carving-out-a-home part, and the sweet potato gin part, but agree that Leon seems to be an unpleasant chap. There are also a number of grammatical irregularities that get in the way for me.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
He is repulsive/unpleasant isn't he? I am surprised he engendered this reaction so fast. He gets worse before he improves.
I know this is rough, so help me out with the grammatical irregularities. I am not great with grammar or characterisation or plot or language or... most other things.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 21, 2005).]
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
"sweet potato gin" is really a wonderful detail, though.
OK, so purely on the grammatical stuff, I'd suggest this:
Leon raged through the tunnels he had carved from the red rock himself. ‘Julie!’ the [Capitalize The - the rest of the sentence is not a dialog attribution, but its own sentence.] woman didn’t answer. 'Julie! Where the hell are you?’ He stormed into the kitchen, another cavity he’d gouged-out himself with pick and hammer. Julie was there [I'd put a comma here but am not positive it's mandatory] sitting beneath the only skylight in the house. She was nursing a bottle of sweet potato gin. ‘You into it already?’ he [Cap He - again, the second half of the sentence its own sentence, not an attribution - either cap He, or rephrase - "You into it already?" he spat.] spat the words at her. She stirred from her stupor, [Period instead of comma, again b/c it's its own sentence] ‘I can’t work today.’ He regarded her as he would a bag-lady; [s/b a comma, not a semi-colon.] one he happened to have married.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Okay. I have a lot to learn. I always screw up dialogue attributions.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Just stick to "he said" and you'll be safe. Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Even if the speaker is female?
Neither character seems entirely likeable on their brief showing so far, but characters don't always have to be likeable to be interesting.
Pop the full thing along and I'll give it a shot if you like.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
I'd like to read the entire thing.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
NEWSBYS and TCHERNABYELO Thanks! I will go through and remove stupid errors and send it through soon.
