Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Destroyer's dance (temporary title) sorry, post problems

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Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

I really have trouble with the forum at this moment, I can't post anything in answer to my own post (I can, but can't see the answers or the edits I make). When the problem is solved, am I going to look silly

So, anyway, last attempt:

Fantasy, 8000 words.
Looking for comments on the opening, and also for readers willing to give me critiques on the whole thing.
Thanks in advance.

They came for my wife soon after the monsoon had ended. I should have seen them: I, who was an Eye of the Destroyer, should have had some sign of their coming in my visions. But perhaps the god had already turned His eyes away from me, in prevision of what He would do to us.

I sat on the porch, watching my wife Deri play with our two-year-old child, Karale. The rains had come and gone. The air was filled with the smell of humidity, and the trees around us had the lush foliage that only comes during the monsoon season.

Deri was silent, unusually so, and I thought perhaps something was wrong with the child. I meant to ask her.

But instead I saw the procession on the village path, coming towards our house.

[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited June 20, 2005).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

What makes you think that there are any answers?

8000 is a little long for me just now. I don't see any major changes in the version here.

You seem to be repeating things a bit too much. In the first paragraph it's vision/sight that gets to much repetition. Then you reiterate that it is soon after the monsoon had ended. You don't need "my wife" the second time, the fact that she is playing with "our" child would suggest it unless you specifically said otherwise.

"But instead" sounds funny since seeing them come up the hill isn't an action in the same way that asking Deri whether there was a problem would have been. If you had said something like "But instead I followed her gaze to the village path, and the procession coming...", that would have made sense, because he is looking to see what she's looking at instead of asking her. I don't know if that's what you meant.

There were a few other things like that: "prevision", "I, who was an Eye of the Destroyer" (BTW, do you mean Siva?), and such. I think that some aspects of the language kept me from being drawn into the milieu here. I thought more "Hmm, this is set in India" rather than feeling it, you know?