The booster’s quickly exhausted their fuel supply and Loredana released the parachute. The rest of the crew, the international group of nine young scientists and engineers, were now aware of the danger of the situation, but they had faith in their pilot.
Rather than the computer being responsible for steering, as computers had been doing on Earth for years, this was a relatively new engine and no computer could use it.
[This message has been edited by rustafarianblackpolarbear (edited June 20, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 21, 2005).]
--Mel
[This message has been edited by MCameron (edited June 19, 2005).]
quote:
The first to arrive, the Greenwich Maiden entered the atmosphere of Mars and began to read information on the environment. Captain Lore read the screen. "There's no life left."
As soon as I read it I thought,
Okay Captain Lore, why are you surprised? Mars has no life that we know of.
Then I thought, Maybe there was some life like terraforming etc. Like in the movie Red Planet.
Then I read:
quote:
They were twenty two years late. The United States HAD planned to lead the first manned mission to Mars in 2013. BUT that would have left them exhausting their funds on the project and having to terraform it before real colonisation.
That suggests that they HAD not terraformed Mars. So, if they did not terraform it first, what is Captain Lore talking about?
Thus my confusion.
I also can't believe there's an engine so new that no computer could use it, only a human. I can't think of any scenario where this would be plausible.
[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited June 21, 2005).]
The first to arrive, first what? the Greenwich Maiden names of ships should be underlined (or in italics) entered the atmosphere of Mars and began to read information on the environment. Captain Lore read the ship "read" information and the captain "read" the screen. Find a different word one place or the other. the screen. "There's no life left." ditto previous comments. She This should have been one sentence: "There's no life left," she... sadly called out to the rest of the crew. Can't they read the screens, too? And didn't they have any indication of this earlier? What exact advantage does "entering the atmosphere" give them? No time to grieve, she set to preparing the airbags for the landing. Either: "With no time to grieve, she..." or "No time to grieve, she thought, as she..." She shifted engine "shifted engine" sounds like she's changing from the one type of engine to another--from the "dismantling sails engine" to the "reverse boosters engine"--but may be using both engines for the same purpose. I think you mean "shifted power"? from the dismantling sails What are dismantling sails? What do they dismantle? Or do you mean "from dismantling the sails"? to reverse boosters and began slowing down "down" is an excess word here the craft.
The booster’s should be plural, not possessive quickly exhausted their fuel supply and Loredana Loredana? Captain Lore? Are these the same person? If not, why are their names so similar? released the parachute. The rest of the crew, the international group of nine young scientists and engineers, were now surely they didn't travel all this way, and only became awere of the danger now? aware of the danger of the situation, but they had faith in their pilot.
Rather than the computer being responsible for steering, as computers had been doing on Earth for years, this was a relatively new engine and no computer could use it. ditto Keeley on the implausibility of this line.
I stopped critiquing where I did, because that's where 13 lines ends in manuscript format. (Actually, I gave you most of a fourteenth line, as you were in the middle of a sentence.) You should really delete all lines after that in your own post, although at this point that would mean that some of the earlier posts would refer to lines that no longer are available. But in the future, try to make sure that you post only 13 lines to begin with. (If you get a different line count, make sure to format your document properly, as MCameron said above.)
quote:
But i'm not releasing that yet because the crew and the rest of the world don't know yet. That's alright isn't it?
Now, I don't think that you are intending omniscient or cinematic. But I almost feel as if your intending the POV to be that of "the crew." If that's the case, don't. Pick one character, and stick with him or her. If you do that, and let us see all their relevant thoughts, most of our questions will go away. For example, when Captain Lore says "There's no life left," you'll give us access to her thoughts (or the the thoughts of the POV character hearing it) as well as her words, and it is quite reasonable for her to have in mind the background of their current situation and what her expectations were. She doesn't actually have to think, in words, "The robots were supposed to..." etc., in order for her to be thinking about the subject, and that's all you need to be able to tell us about those thoughts. But she won't be thinking about the whole history--she'll be aware of it, and thinking about her expectations vs. what she found. So you can state her expectations, and the smallest part of the history that will cause those expectations to make sense to us.
Oh, and it should be "That's all right, isn't it?"--not "alright".
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited June 21, 2005).]
The first humans ever, the crew of the Greenwich Maiden entered the atmosphere of Mars. The ship shook at the combustion but was hardly affected. It began reading information on the environment. Lore stole a quick glance at the screen and saw the robots were all but cadaverous. Her face went white. No time to tell the other ships, she thought, as she released the chute and the ship turned horizontal. Finally, the Maiden began to slow down.
Lore turned the Maiden over to the computer. The saucer-shaped ship that had brought them here in record time now opened and released their pod, still attached by a rubber cord. Lore released the gas into the crash shell and awaited the landing.
The most important factor in the design was to avoid bouncing. If the four-thousand ships now heading for Mars were all to bounce, at least a few crashing into each other would be inevitable.
Note from Kathleen: I captured your text and put it into MS Word in Cuurier New 10-point font. What I have left above is just over 13 lines (to finish a sentence).
[This message has been edited by rustafarianblackpolarbear (edited June 23, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by rustafarianblackpolarbear (edited June 23, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 23, 2005).]
First sentence: these aren't the first humans ever! Just the first to approach Mars. It isn't just the crew that entered the atmosphere; the ship did too. Maybe: The _Greenwich Maiden_ entered the atmosphere of Mars.
Second sentence: if it shook, then it was definitely affected! Do you mean, not in danger? But Lore seems to think it is, later.
Third: I assume you mean its immediate environment. Or the environment of the surface? Wouldn't it have been scanning continuously?
Fourth sentence: What robots? What does "all but cadaverous" mean? We might get that Lore is the POV character earlier. Why do the robots need to be non-cadaverous now -- do they have something to do with entry?
To show one way this might work (I don't know your story so I'm sure there's a lot wrong with this):
The outside cameras confirmed it: the reentry fins were gone. [It's clear that this would affect reentry.] Lore felt the blood draining from her face. [Since this is her POV, I say something she could notice -- she wouldn't know that her face went white unless she looked in a mirror.] There was no time for repairs, and no time to call for help -- the _Greenwich Maiden_ was entering the Martian atmosphere.
On a technical note: The atmosphere of Mars is practically not there -- it's about 0.001 the pressure of Earth's. It would be more like landing on the Moon than landing on Earth.
this is a sequel so what the robots are, were rather, doing is explained in the first story. I don;t know if I have to include that all to make this story not neccessarily dependant on the original.
With my first sentence: does it really have to be that specific. My original draft was ver similiar to your suggestion but i've since developed it to be more based on the background in the first story.
When Lore later see's that the ship is in danger that is because the ship is going faster than any ship has ever before. She is worried that it will not slow doen enough in time for the gas not to explode on impact. It's more dangerous on her shipp, too, because it's smaller and so the barrier is weaker and it's momentum is more effective in this atmosphere.
When I said environment, that is taking into account that the martian atmosphere is very weak at this point. I also didn't want to repeat the word atmosphere, as I had in the original draft.
And finally, the robots were terraforming the martian atmosphere but they're all but dead.
I know this draft isn't that good but I don't want suggestions based on assumptions.
[This message has been edited by rustafarianblackpolarbear (edited June 24, 2005).]
Hi! I only joined this board a short while before you did, so I'm new here too. I also joined a couple of other boards around the same time, so I've just recently read a lot of FAQs about how to do critiques and how to use the critiques that you get -- they are all still fairly fresh in my head.
I mention this because I remember reading one bit of advice that I would like to share with you. I don't remember where I read it, and can't find it again after a few minutes spent searching. However, the gist of the advice is this: The only appropriate response to a respectfully worded critique is "Thank you."
I'm sure that wbriggs has a job, his own hobbies, and his own family, yet he was willing to take time away from those things to try to help you with this opening. It is, in my opinion, disrespectful to say, as you did in your last post, that his comments all come from mis-reading what you wrote.
I don't have a lot of experience writing fiction, but I have written a number of research articles, and have had lots of feedback from editors and reviewers. I have learned that whenever you feel that a comment springs from lazy reading, it always, always, means that your writing is not clear enough. I agree with you that wbriggs made a lot of assumptions in reading your text. However, this should lead you to ask whether what you wrote is comprehensible without making those or similar assumptions. (I believe that was in fact the point of his critique.) You should use his critique to learn where the problem areas are, and rewrite those areas to make them clear without assumptions being made.
Good luck with your story, and welcome to Hatrack!
Best,
K.
[This message has been edited by kkmmaacc (edited June 24, 2005).]
quote:
I have learned that whenever you feel that a comment springs from lazy reading, it always, always, means that your writing is not clear enough.
Bingo. What kkmmaacc said. It's the writer's job to make the text clear, not the reader's job to psychically understand all the unwritten and/or confusing details the author presents. The important point is that your text wasn't clear. As a good writer, it's your job to fix that.
The first humans ever, and their small saucer-shaped ship the Greenwich Maiden, entered the atmosphere of Mars. The Maiden began reading information on the atmosphere for signs of robotic life. Captain Loredana Purio stole a quick glance at the screen and saw the terraforming robots were all but dead, confirming the assumption of the scientists on Earth. No one to tell and no time to care, she released the chute and the ship turned horizontal. Finally, the Maiden began to slow down.
Lore turned the main craft over to the computer. The solar accelerated ship that had brought them here in record time released a chute to slow it down. Next it opened and released a small pod toward the surface of the planet. Inside sat Captain Lore fearing for the safety of her cryogen passengers, heedless to her own danger. She released the gas into the crash shell and awaited the landing.
In leaving out the "she thought" that was only because there is in fact someone else conscious onboard except i don't want to ake it at all guessable yet.