There he laid, a young fellow whose face was worn from years of anxiety and a solemn pressure. His name was Jonathan. He knew it the most. He knew when they would live and when they would die. The moon began to rise as night commenced. The wolves howls were not heard anymore. No one stepped out to hunt for the nightly cries across the earth or to glance to the sky and stare at the irredescent stars high above. Routine had begun on planet earth. If you were listening for something, something at all, well heard were those crisp and clear vibes of silence quickly creeping in and overcrowding everything else.
Is this from a short or a novel?
quote:
At least that would no longer be altered anymore.
Drop "anymore". You say "no longer", therefore "anymore" is redundant.
"intoxicating tainted firmament" Why is it intoxicating, and with what is it tainted?
The repetition of "lonely, static" doesn't bother me; In fact, I rather like it.
The "movement of the motionless oceans" intrigues me; I like the contradiction here.
quote:
His name was Jonathan. He knew it the most.
irredescent = iridescent
I love your first paragraph, truly enjoy your voice and some of your imagery is marvelous. I hate your second paragraph. Why? Because you give me nothing. In fact, the entire point of this seems to be "nothing": no words, no breath, no path, no motion; no howls, no hunts, only silence.
You grab me and draw me in with the first paragraph, then you reward me with... nothing. As a reader, I need something. Give me a reason to start caring about Jonathon, a means to identify with him. Show me hints of what will befall him, of what his destiny is, of why he is special.
Whew! That's more than I usually say on the boards, in the way of crits! I would be happy to continue reading, but I may not be able to get it back to you for a few days. I still owe a few crits from last week!
Susan
PS: Don't forget to put "Hatrack" in the subject line, so my filters know how to properly sort your email!
Note from the Administrator:
The 13-line rule does not mean 13 lines at a time. If you want people to see more of the story than the first 13 lines, you will have to email it to them--and only when they ask you to.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 14, 2005).]
I'm sorry, but I find this just a little too confusing. "The marquis of the world"? A marquis is a particular aristocratic title, rarely used these days. Do you mean "marquees"? Even then it would be an odd sentence. I'm also not sure if you mean elegant or eloquent for the Judas, but that's because I have no idea who the Judas is, or the Megalomaniac, and how they relate to Jonathan. And the conflation of "evil villain, the innocent and honest" likewise leaves me wondering - are you saying the villain is innocent and honest, or is this a reference to the "kids" who should watch out - and is this still what's on the marquis/marquees?
This is a bit of a shame, as the final two sentences of the paragraph are much more evocative and appealing - the idea being presented here of someone who could/shoulda/woulda saved the world but somehow didn't quite get it right. That's more of a hook - but it's coming after some stuff that really has left too much confusion. Having questions, as a story starts, is a good thing if you want to know the answers to those questions, but you have to walk a fine line between arousing curiosity and simply confusing the heck (word changed for American audience) out of your readers...
by exceeding the 13-line guideline (by posting the 2nd section), you are at risk of having this story considered to be published.
do you care? if not, then don't edit it. otherwise you might want to edit out the 2nd set of lines.
mikemunsil
[This message has been edited by Gunslinger (edited June 14, 2005).]