Skeetor and The Flying Cyborg Monkeys

The golden sun took one of its last peeks through the tall trees, blinding Skeetor momentarily as he made his way along the rugged trail. He chuckled to himself, remembering the words of the town drunk.

"Beware the flying cyborg monkeys, for they dwell within the woods!" the drunk intoned, between long gulps of his sour wine.

Skeetor didn't believe in stupid fairy tales. He wasn't no gullible fool. Besides, he was quick as a cat with wits to match.

He brushed aside a few strands of his long red hair, cursing softly for not getting it cut earlier.

Twilight was beginning to fall upon the woods, and Skeetor quickened his pace. He wasn't afraid, he just couldn't see very well in the dark.

Bizzzzzit.

Skeetor's ears perked up, "What was that?" he said aloud, to no one in particular.

Bizzzzzit.

Again the strange sound of scraping metal. Skeetor couldn't lie to himself any longer, he was frightened like a child alone in the dark.

[This message has been edited by ParanoidRook (edited June 04, 2005).]
 

And yes, I'm talking about your request that we "bare" with you. This is a highly inappropriate request, as this is generally supposed to be a family friendly forum.
 

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited June 04, 2005).]
 

Thanks Void, seems fun :)
 

Instead of, "The golden sun took one of its last peeks through the tall trees" I would say, "The golden sun took a last peek through the tall trees"

Instead of, "blinding Skeetor momentarily as he made his way along the rugged trail." I would suggest, "it blinded Skeetor momentarily"

"He wasn't no gullible fool" might be something said in the vernacular of Skeeter, but it struck me a bit odd, because I wasn't expecting it. I still think you might consider, "He wasn't a gullible fool"

Last, "He brushed aside a few strands of his long red hair, cursing softly for not getting it cut earlier." I wondered why he was cursing softly at such a seemingly small thing. It seems a bit of an exaggeration. Later, when he is being terrorized he might curse about it, but for now, it just appears to be a nuisance, and he might 'regret' not getting it cut earlier. Unless he knows more about the danger of the Cyborg Monkeys than he is letting on.

I hope this is of some benefit to you.

-=- Fred

[This message has been edited by Frederic Civish (edited June 06, 2005).]
 

The golden sun took one of its last peeks through the tall trees,

I like this imagery, the sun peeking through the trees. I would reword it slightly to something like "The golden sun took one last peek through the tall trees,..."
I like the personification !

I'm not sure of this but wouldn't the words of the town drunk be in the same paragraph?
"....remembering the words of the town drunk: " Beware the flying cyborg monkeys, for they dwell within the woods!"

I think that using a colloquillism [oo did I spell that right?!]("He wasn't no gullible fool.") would come across better in Skeetor's words. Something like "I ain't no gullible fool, and I don't believe in no stupid fairy story, neither." Skeetor punched the air with a twirl. "And I'm quick as a cat and smarter'n any cyborg monkey, yeah.."

Twilight was beginning to fall upon the woods, and Skeetor quickened his pace. He wasn't afraid, he just couldn't see very well in the dark. ((I like this paragraph, it really helps show Skeetor's personality)

I have to admit, I read this before you edited it. Skeetor is a pretty neat character, don't kill him off so fast!

Meenie