Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Crystal Temple

This is topic Crystal Temple - ready for dissection in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

I am finally ready for my first full-sized critique and am seeking some kind-hearted volunteers. I have the first three chapters (6000 words) of my alternate-world fantasy novel ready to be critiqued, dissected, analyzed, nit-picked, and otherwise tossed to the wolves. I have no specific deadline; if I could get it back sometime this month (June 2005) I'd be a happy camper.

I've placed the first thirteen in this forum before, but as a reminder here they are again.

quote:
Mountain vultures circled lazily overhead as a small caravan crested the ridge of the Andulian Mountain pass and began their descent. Overburdened horses picked their way carefully around fallen rocks on the steep road leading to the valley below. Without warning a boulder dislodged from the hillside above and bounded down the slope, setting off a small flow of loose shale in its wake. The sound echoed down the canyon.
The burly man in the lead held up his hand, halting the handful of ragged travelers. Their tattered cloaks snapped in the wind as they waited uneasily for the rocks to quit shifting.
“Why don’t we go around, Volgar? This road is unsafe,” the man next to him complained.
“We don’t have time, Igmar. We’ve got to get the girl to Port Lenik before the slavers set sail.”
“You’ve already been paid. Why not kill her now and throw her body into the gully? No one will be the wiser.”
Volgar glanced at the girl who sat vacant-eyed and motionless on her horse. Igmar’s suggestion had merit, but Volgar had already decided he was unwilling to risk the consequences. The threats made by the sage who had ensorcelled her had not been idle ones, and neither were those of his pirate brother who had hired them in the first place.

Let me know if you have an interest in reading more than the first three chapters. I have additional chapters ready to go, but didn't want to overwhelm anyone.

Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :

I'd be willing to read.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Thanks. It's on the way.

Posted by Kalvin (Member # 2630) on :

I'll read it. Just send it whenever you want.

Posted by cklabyrinth (Member # 2454) on :

I'll read it. Do you mind if I wordsmith a bit, for the sake of concision? Either way, email it to me, and I'll gladly take a look at it on my next holiday (I love this word).

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Wordsmith away! It's on the way to both of you. Thanks!

Posted by Mr_Megalomaniac (Member # 2478) on :

I'd like to give it a look.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

I appreciate it. It's on the way!

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

Hey Elan,

I liked it the first time you submitted it, so go ahead and send it my way.

I like the beginning, and the uneasiness you cast between the two guys.

-Monolith-

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Thanks a lot! It's on its way!

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

Elan
I emailed my reply to you, but it only went to one of your adressess, sorry.

-Monolith-

Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

That second paragraph really throws me off. "The burly man in the lead. . ." Why not name Volgar here? It sounds awkward and makes me want to stop reading.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

lol... I'm actually co-authoring this story with a friend, and she insisted I stick a description of the character in there. She felt we needed to paint a visual image of them. I wasn't intending on developing the bandits too far, because if you read the next page or so, you discover their role in the story is quite short. I didn't want the reader to invest in them too much. I'll pass on your comment to her.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited June 08, 2005).]

Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

I was just reminded that you are part of the soft fantasy crowd. Send me these chapters and let me know what type of feedback you are looking for -- fsilv01s@uis.edu.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Thanks, Dude! The draft is on it's way to you! I appreciate any and all comments, as this is my first time I've submitted my fiction writing to a larger crowd. It helps me a great deal!

Posted by Eddy Gemmell (Member # 2581) on :

I like it so far, though I thought the final paragraph was a bit of an info' dump.

I'll read if your still looking.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Thanks for the offer, Eddy. A copy is on its way to you!