Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Forty-eight and a half

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Posted by ely (Member # 2558) on :

Here is the short flash I wrote from the recent challenge over at liberty hall. I am working on re-writing it with the great suggestions provided over there.

I'm looking for comments on the begining, as well as critiques on the whole rewrite (which should be ready in a day or two). Mostly in this begining, I want to see how the switch to present tense is going.

Thanks, and here is the first 13:

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Forty-eight and a half

The dreams are always the same. It is a warm summer morning and only a few clouds dance overhead showing little hope in providing any shade. On a nearby park bench a mother is tending to a child in a stroller while two older siblings bicker at one another. Their daddy appears with ice cream cones and soon the shouting is gone. A man with a microphone says he can guess my birthday. I don’t know how he did it, but somehow he guessed it was today. I look up at my daddy afterwards and he gave me a wink.

“You sure you want to do this, pumpkin?” he asks me and I give him a grin. We are now standing next to giant duck with a sign hanging around its neck that reads, “You must be as tall as me to ride this ride.”

“Look at that. That duck is forty eight inches tall, and you can’t be but forty eight and a half! You’re getting to be such a big girl.”

I am big now, Daddy. And I’m not scared. Not one bit. I have you here with me.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I can't tell how present-tense is working because most of this is description of a dream, which could be in present-tense while the rest of the story is past-tense.

I was confused about how the narrator related to the story. She said there were 2 siblings, but later I *think* she identified herself as one of them. I'd rather she identify her role up front.

I'll read.

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

The tense didn't bother me (since I assume the whole thing was part of the dream) but the use of "daddy" in both places was confusing, as wbriggs implied, suggesting that the main character was one of the children you described.

Posted by ely (Member # 2558) on :

I was afraid that might happen when I wrote it. I was hoping to make a distinction with "my daddy", but there is still some confusion there.