Hatrack River Writers Workshop: My Best Friend's Dream (Working Title)

This is topic My Best Friend's Dream (Working Title) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by whataboutbob85 (Member # 2588) on :

Hi, this is a story I started back when I was in high school and I recently read it and thought it showed some promise so I thought I would post it for some feedback. I'm not as good at using commas or dialogue as I should be so I want to know if I made any serious grammatical mistakes and I also want to know if anyone would be interesting in reading the whole thing when I finish it. Thanks for any help. Here we go:

The front door looked more inviting than usual, as I slowly ascended the steps. “Maybe today will go better.”, I thought to myself, “Maybe today will be different.” At this thought, I stopped and laughed. That was something I hadn’t done in a while. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had smiled. With that thought in my head, I quickly regrouped and strode through the door to Dr. Anderson’s office. “How are you doing today, Shannon?”, Asked the receptionist, Mrs. Delorn, “Here for your session?” “I’m fine, these appointments are beginning to annoy me though.” , I stated flatly.
I never did like small talk, always made me feel nervous. Of course, that was one of the reasons I was in therapy. “Is Dr. Anderson ready for me yet?”.
“Almost, he’s running a little behind today.”, Explained Mrs. Delorn. At that exact moment, the door to the office swung open, and Dr. Anderson popped his head out.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Well, I'll jump in before some of our ruder members get to you. It looks like the kernel of a nice story is here, but I found a bit of difficulty getting past the grammar issues.

I would normally not handle this in the manner that I'm about to, because I think it is rude to rewrite someone's words without being asked, but you did ask for comments on grammar and such. This is the easiest way to go about it.

May I suggest the following?

quote:

The front door looked more inviting than usual, as I slowly ascended the steps. "Maybe today will go better," I thought. “Maybe today will be different.” At this thought, I stopped and laughed. That was something I hadn’t done in a while. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had smiled. With that thought in my head, I quickly regrouped and strode through the door to Dr. Anderson’s office.
“How are you doing today, Shannon?” asked the receptionist, Mrs. Delorn. “Here for your session?”
“I’m fine, these appointments are beginning to annoy me though,” I stated flatly. I never did like small talk, always made me feel nervous. Of course, that was one of the reasons I was in therapy. “Is Dr. Anderson ready for me yet?”
“Almost, he’s running a little behind today,” explained Mrs. Delorn. At that exact moment, the door to the office swung open, and Dr. Anderson popped his head out.

Now, I'd suggest getting a copy of Strunk and White's manual of style, or reading the online version, and editing your story. But because I don't want you paralyzed by grammar concerns, finish writing the story. Then edit it with Strunk's sitting by your side, and then post it again. Otherwise the good folks here...well, some of them can be a bit rough.

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 26, 2005).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Ditto Mary on Strunk & White. Get to know it!

My main suggestion other than that is: what's your story about? Start there. Ascending the steps isn't too interesting. Having the doc run late isn't too interesting. Presumably what happens in the session will be.

The main character knows what the issue is, and won't tell us. This drives me crazy. Tell us!

Posted by whataboutbob85 (Member # 2588) on :

Thanks for the grammar advice. And as for the other point, I started it where I did because I didn't want the reader to know right away what was going to happen. The whole story is meant to be shrouded in a bit of mystery and I think that once I finish the story, it will be a little clearer for everybody. But thanks for all the help.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Oh, so that's what's going on.

The fact that you finish the story doesn't imply that the reader will finish the story. That's a classic newbie mistake.

Posted by whataboutbob85 (Member # 2588) on :

So should I just start the story right with conversation with the doctor then? I've always had a bit of a problem with openings. I think I'll try writing a couple different versions of it and see which one people like best. Thanks.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

I think trying a few different beginnings is a really good idea. How many different ways can you do it? Challenge yourself to try a lot of different approaches. I mean, don't just play with the wording of this opening - start it in radically different places and techniques, and see what happens. A lot of times, I'll try to challenge myself to list 10 different possibilities (for any given point, not just the opening). A lot of them are useless but the process of thinking broadly is always valuable.

Here's a recent thread about withholding information from the reader in order to create suspense:

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002021.html

the short version: don't do it.

Posted by whataboutbob85 (Member # 2588) on :

Well, I finished the story exactly the way I was writing it and you guys were right. It didn't turn out like I expected but if I let the main character let the reader know everything right from the start it ruins my character. I am going to try rewriting it in third person instead of first person and let the supporting characters clue the reader in to the story. That way I'll be free to let the main character keep his secrets. Thanks for all your help though.

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Very well said, Survivor. I think I'll add that quote -- almost verbatim -- to my lexicon. You mind if I don't attribute you, or should I put a works cited

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Why is it only my evil side that ever gets quoted? Well, I'm hoping I just borrowed that from somewhere. Even if the "somewhere" only exists in my own pitch-black heart

Anyhoo, if there's a major information reveal problem in using a character as the POV, it doesn't help much to change person. In fact, the properly written first person narrator is probably the only kind of POV allowed to pull such a trick, since in that case it is the character that takes the heat for having lied to the reader. Otherwise you, as the author, end up taking the heat for that. Even using a first person narrator, you'll take backsplash for having created the character in the first place, but someone will hate your characters anyway. No sense worrying if they'll hate you a little too.