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The throne room of Komezrea was once a place of both honor and justice, but now it lay barren of even the most simple of virtues. The long hall had been a brightly lit place, filled with those noble in both heart and in blood. It was now dark and dingy, inhabited only by the ancient King Hezdemah. His wizened husk rested on the regal marble throne. With gnarled fingers he clutched tight the golden lions which formed the arms of that magnificent chair. His breath was shallow and heart beat faint. He was a man on the verge of death.
Through milky white eyes encrusted with bile he searched the great room desperately for some sign of life other then his own. But the hall was indeed empty.
“Where are all the people?” The king rasped between labored breaths.
Vigilant ears caught the sound and a figure slipped through the dusty curtains that hung limply behind the throne. It was a man of many years, but still full of cunning and vigor.
Edited to 13 lines.
[This message has been edited by DragonfireEast (edited April 27, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by DragonfireEast (edited April 27, 2005).]
The only thing that bugged me was the "eyes encrusted with bile" thing. Bile is made in the liver and stored in the gall bladder. It is released into the duodenum, where it emulsifies fat during the digestive process and expelled in the feces...how did it get to his eyes?
Sorry about the physiological nitpick, but I would really recommend getting a different word to avoid confusion.
quote:
Through milky white eyes encrusted with bile he searched the great room desperately for some sign of life other then his own. But the hall was indeed empty.“Where are all the people?” The king rasped between labored breaths.
Vigilant ears caught the sound and a figure slipped through the dusty curtains that hung limply behind the throne. It was a man of many years, but still full of cunning and vigor.
I would take these lines and rewrite them, and take the earlier info and weave that in later.
Ditto on the bile thing. Also, encrusted white eyes wouldn't do a good job of searching anything, would they?
The throne room of Komezrea was once a place of both honor and justice, but now it lay barren of even the most simple of virtues. The long hall had been a brightly lit place, filled with those noble in both heart and in blood. It was now dark and dingy, inhabited only by the ancient King Hezdemah. His wizened husk rested on the regal marble throne. With gnarled fingers he clutched tight the golden lions which formed the arms of that magnificent chair. His breath was shallow and heart beat faint. He was a man on the verge of death.
“Where are all the people?” The king rasped between labored breaths.
Vigilant ears caught the sound and a figure slipped through the dusty curtains that hung limply behind the throne - a man of many years, but still full of cunning and vigor.
i guess you don't need me to say anything about the bile ... so i won't.
i hope you don't mind me playing around with your idea, i enjoy this kind of material and i look forward to seeing more of your work.
Callia
Jeraliey- Ill have to find another discriptive word that actually means what I want it to. Its a shame though, I though bile was perfect. Thank you for the correction. As for discriptions, I didnt flesh them out so much because Ive been told I focus to much on them. I guess Ill have to throw some back in. Thank you.
Mikemunsil- Ill take a closer look at those lines. As for encrusted white eyes, they search quite fine, they just dont find what they are looking for. Even if the room was packed full, Im sure the King still would have asked where all the people are. Thank you.
Enwalker- Im not sure exactly what you where trying to say, but Ill respond to what I think you are saying. I dont like putting quotes at the begining of a story. I would rather set the scene before presenting the actors. This is double true in this case, where I want to present the silence and emptiness as the norm before the action begins. Thank you.
Dude- Ill try to focus the writing up a bit. As for the point of view, it seems a bit general Im sure because in the first 13 lines the main focus of the story has yet to arive. Thank you.
Callia- I dont mind you tampering one bit, as your suggestions are quite good. If you would like to check out the rest of the story that I have written, I would be happy to share it with you. Thank you.
Survivor- I get your point, thank you.
quote:
Ill have to find another discriptive word that actually means what I want it to. Its a shame though, I though bile was perfect.
How about rheum: a watery discharge from the mucous membranes esp. of the eyes or nose
--Mel
You might want to watch out for repetative constructions such as "place of both honor and justice" and "noble in both heart and in blood." I especially notice the last because it's right next to "dark and dingy," which is an example of another thing I'd encourage you to be careful about. There are several places I see you using two adjectives were one will do.
"Through milky white eyes..." Do you need the word white, or would milky alone also tell us the eyes are white?
"clutched tight" is there a way to clutch loose?
Hope this helps some.
I didn't mean to imply that you needed "more" description...that's generally a trap, and you have to be REALLY careful about putting in extra sentences that don't move the story along. I just wanted to suggest that you use the room you've allocated for exposition to drop us right into the setting, to make us feel as if we were actually THERE and not listening to a report.
Be very careful about the "more" description thing. Quality, not quantity.