Ah, the usual requests for these things: Does it make you want to read more, or do you just not care? And if you want to read the whole thing it's around 2280 words, leaving that up to you all.

Let me know what you think- Thanks :-)

Charles flipped through the channels of the old television, muttering to himself about not having enough money to afford cable as he shot violent glances towards the rabbit ear antenna that was giving him a less than desirable reception. Six channels, a whopping six channels, that’s all he could ever get. And still he flipped through them aimlessly, staring blankly at the fuzzy pictures that flashed through the glass screen, keeping the false hope that maybe someday a new channel would click on and he would have something to watch besides the news and the same tired old woman smashing an egg with a frying pan, referring to the egg as your brain, and the frying pan as drugs. The end result of course was your brain on drugs. Charles laughed as he thought bitterly, That could also be your brain from watching television, lady, especially with a whole six channels to choose from, and continued to glower at the television.

Patricia was in the kitchen, rummaging through the rusting pots and pans, banging and clattering them together as she tried to gain some attention from her incompetent husband. She figured some attention would be better than nothing, and it was usually the attention of his fist that she gained. She slammed a frying pan onto their obsolete gas stove and flicked the burner on to high.

“Could you keep it down in there dammit, I’m trying to watch television!” Charles still continued to flip through those same redundant channels- there was no change, of course.

[This message has been edited by Elylith (edited April 21, 2005).]
 

I like it when I can see clearly what's going on. And that's what you did. We have a setup and I feel something's coming up. But these lines don't show that and I am not hooked just yet.

What happens a little later? Is there anything you can add in the very beginning, as he is watching tv and she cooking, that will bring the horror and tension in? Like a crawling thingy, whatever your imagination brought to live in the next two pages. Then I would be hooked.

Later.
Michel.

 

Watch your point of view shifting. Is it really necessary? Whose story is it?
 

I had a hard time with the 1st paragraph, because I don't have much empathy for a character who's so involved with his TV that it's making him "bitter"; I also thought the "this is your brain on drugs" part was both dated and over-explained. Look for over-explaining in the second paragraph as well.

Some of the sentences were really long and while that was probably a stylistic choice, I felt it was too early in the story--it pulled me out a bit.

I'd second the above comment about there not being much of a hook here. If you polished the writing, it would probably be enough to keep me reading, but not for much longer.

Oh, and this could be a personal preference of mine, but I hate it when characters laugh at their own jokes.
 

I get a feel for what these characters could be, that sort of tension in a marriage (or life) that is just kinda going through the motions without any gratification.

I'd say get more inside the head of Charles. Does he do this everyday? How long has he been so bored (maybe throw in something about his wife being distant, too, which angers him) that he just sits there, listless? Why is today the turning point?

While there isn't a real goal yet, the tension is very prevalent and when this guy snaps, if that is your intention, it could get quite interesting.
 

My main suggestion -- obviously, perhaps! -- is that this could be much more concise.

I also feel the need to warn: if I'm to want to read about Charles, I'll need some reason to care about him. I don't see it yet.

Mild hook: laughing at Charles.
--

Charles flipped through the channels of the old television, muttering to himself about not having enough money [to afford] FOR cable [as he shot violent glances towards the rabbit ear antenna that was giving him a less than desirable reception]. Six channels, [a whopping six channels,] that’s all he could [ever] get. And still he flipped through them aimlessly, [staring blankly at the fuzzy pictures that flashed through the glass screen,] keeping the false hope that [maybe someday] a new channel would click on and he would have something to watch besides the news and the same tired old woman smashing an egg with a frying pan, referring to the egg as your brain, and the frying pan as drugs. [The end result of course was your brain on drugs. Charles laughed as he thought bitterly,] That could also be your brain from watching television, lady, HE THOUGHT, especially with a whole six channels to choose from[, and continued to glower at the television].

Patricia was in the kitchen, [rummaging through the rusting pots and pans,] banging [and clattering] them together as she tried to gain some attention from her incompetent husband. [NOTE: I GET THE PICTURE OF HER SLAMMING POTS TOGETHER LIKE A CHILD WITH A TOY DRUM. I DOUBT THIS IS WHAT YOU MEANT!] [She figured some attention would be better than nothing, and it was usually the attention of his fist that she gained.] She slammed a frying pan onto their obsolete gas stove and flicked the burner on to high. [I'D AGREE WITH OTHERS ABOUT THE POV CHANGE.]

“Could you keep it down in there dammit, I’m [COMMA SPLICE!] trying to watch television!” [Charles still continued to flip through those same redundant channels- there was no change, of course.]

Patricia was in the kitchen, rummaging through the rusting pots and pans, banging and clattering them together as she tried to gain some attention from her incompetent husband. She figured some attention would be better than nothing, and it was usually the attention of his fist that she gained. She slammed a frying pan onto their obsolete gas stove and flicked the burner on to high.
LOTS OF ADJECTIVES HERE, USE FEWER IT WILL BE MORE PITHY. QUERY: WHY WOULD SHE WANT TO GAIN HIS ATTENTION IF ALL HE DOES IS HIT HER? ALSO it was usually the attention of his fist that she gained IS A RATHER STRANGE SENTENCE. WOULD BE MORE NATURAL IF YOU CHANGED THE WORDS AROUND…UNLESS SHE’S IRISH, IF SO I TAKE IT ALL BACK.

“Could you keep it down in there dammit, I’m trying to watch television!” Charles still continued to flip through those same redundant channels- there was no change, of course.
YOU COULD GET RID OF through those same redundant.
JUST SOME THOUGHTS HOPE THEY HELPED
will read if you need another person
Li