Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First Line entry: Rampion,1st 13, readers?

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Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

This is for the magazine The First Line which requires that each story in an issue begin with the same first line. So the first line of this is set.

Fantasy, 1000 words. I would love readers, or comments on this section.

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Rampion

As the warrior guided his horse back home, she pondered what the future might hold. Sybille had plotted his seduction from the moment he arrived in their village, and now that he rode away from her, she had a deep longing to call him back. But she did not know his name.

Sybille brushed a strand of her golden hair, still sweat-damp, back from her face. Her hand traced a path down her face to her belly, resting above her womb. Would life quicken there?

She turned and went back into the tiny cottage she shared with her husband, Hans. If the warrior chanced to look back, she did not want to be standing in the doorway watching like a girl at a barn dance.

[Edited to incorporate some of Survivor's incising wisdom.]

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited April 17, 2005).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I hate the first line. It's more of a juvenile psychology test than a first line, and it isn't even a very good test. To me, it has only one possible meaning, the warrior's horse pondered the future as the warrior guided her home. Any other reading ignores the basic demands of syntax. But that reading is so dumb that nobody will write the story based on it.

Anyway, now that I'm finished hating the first line, I'll try and be useful. There were a couple of gaffs. You say that "he walked away" [italics are mine] but that isn't the case, according to the rest of the story. Also, the first line of the third paragraph is long, confusing, and refers to the shadows on the horse's broad back, which Sybille wouldn't be able to see for a number of reasons.

I also didn't like the way you overused "she" in the initial lines, I guess this was to cover for the atrocity of the first line.

All that said, I'm eager to read this one, even if it turns out to be a really twisted take on Rapunzel...ah, the evil

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

oh, The First Line's sentences are invariably awful. At best they're boring, and seems like about 75% of them have grammatical problems. Wretched wretched business. No need to convince us they're awful.

I'll read, of course. Especially if it turns out to be a really twisted take on Rapunzel. ah, the evil.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Rapunzel? [bats eyes innocently] Who said anything about Rapunzel?

When I emailed The First Line to ask if my use of gender in the first line was all right, the editor said that he'd already received a story from the horse's point of view.

Survivor, I've pulled the offending first line of the third paragraph. I started to fix it, because you were right, but then I realized that it had nothing to do with the rest of the story and it was easier to delete.

It's on its way.

Posted by jimmyjazz951 (Member # 2443) on :

I would like to read it.

Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :

I'll take a look if you like.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'll read.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Thanks, I've sent it over.

Posted by Edythe (Member # 2488) on :

I'll read also if you need more people.

Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :

I'll read, if you can wait until later in the week for a response.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Let me digest some of the crits coming back, and then I'll send you the results later in the week. Thanks.

Posted by jhust (Member # 2499) on :

Your second sentence is a little (okay, very) difficult to follow. I'd break it up. I feel assaulted with possessive pronouns.

Your second paragraph might benefit with "still damp from sweat". The second sentence of your second paragraph might also benefit from "and came to rest" or "and rested". I think there is a grammar problem in that compound sentence. You can kinda see it if you split it up:

"Her hand traced a path down her face to her belly."
"Her hand resting above her womb."

In your third paragraph, I'd omit the ", Hans." part. It's not really necessary. If you need to add exposition of his character, you might want to add another sentence. "Hans would be waiting inside."

In your last sentence, I don't think the simile works. It may be better to just say "she did not want to be seen standing longingly in the doorway."

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Better? Or too condensed.

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As the warrior guided his horse back home, she pondered what the future might hold. Sybille wanted to hurry him away. She had seduced the warrior for one reason--to get her the child Hans could not.