Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Newbie and her first fiction

This is topic The Newbie and her first fiction in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Usana (Member # 2407) on :

Hi! Like I said, I'm a newbie here and this is my first fiction that I write in English, so some errors are bound to happen.
Anyway, I'll post again later to let you guys know when I need someone to look at my work, because there's not much to read at the present.
For now, I need your comment on this first 13 lines. It's a fantasy genre and it's in 1st POV.

Here we go!

***
I found the notion of my so-call origins, which some romantic historians and many story-tellers had made up, laughable. I am not a long lost descendent of the great king Kelluc, waited all this years to claim my rightfully throne and avenge my ancestors that were slaughtered during the Thousand Death War. Nor I am the demi-god, born to the Great Mother Ganwarra and the Red Mage Jirka, raised up to fulfill the prophecy and bring forth the golden era. I was, and still am, none of that.
Kalya, once, told me that sometimes lies can be a great assurance to the people’s spirit and if I am to lead them to war, it will be better for them to believe that I am invincible, or at least look the part. It startled me to hear them from her, because, since our childhood together, it was Mitir who was the sensible one among us three. When I voice my thought to her, she just laughed and shook her head, saying the reason she had never show her ‘intelligence’ to us was because, if she did so, Mitir would lose his title as King Artycha’s Adviser to her, the lowly Warlord of the West and that would not be a good thing for Mitir’s pride.
***

Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :

As an intro I like it. The first paragraph gives the impression of penetrating the illusions built up around this individual. On a personal level I'd like to know your narrator's name from an early point as this helps identify with them.

The character of Kalya comes across very clearly to me in the second paragraph.

Your English is very good, but there are a couple of grammatical errors. They are more in terms of tense and nuances. Do you want corrections on that level?

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

Is this a novel or a short story? As a novel, it could work as you're establishing character. As a short story, I think it thuds and hard because I have no sense of the conflict or setting which needs to start within the first little chunk.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

I think your English is very good.

Maybe instead of saying - I am not - several times, you could say something like:
Some say I am a long lost descendent of ...

The next sentence could start:
Others say I am a demi-god...

Then keep the last sentence in the paragraph as:
I was, and still am, none of that.

It might have more impact that way, and would refer back to the concept of the storytellers and historians guessing at the character's origins.

Just a suggestion.

I think it sounds like a fascinating story idea.

Posted by Usana (Member # 2407) on :

#RFLong
Yes, I'd like you to fix my grammatical error for me, if you see any. *Thanks in advance*

I have a problem introducing my protagonist's name, and I'm still figure it out...Anyway, suggestion on this would be welcome.

#Rahl22
To answer your question, I planned to write this as a novel.

#NewsBys
Thank you very much!Your suggestions help me a lot. I hope when I finish the first three chapter, you will, kindly, read them for me.

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

Ok ,this is not a bad start. It does need some grammatical work, but essentially it gives us an opening into the story. We are learning something about the main POV character as well as something about the problems he is facing.

Be careful, I think this is heading towards assumption. That is, you already know these characters and their world, we don't. Every time you introduce a new concept or character you have to think about how much information the reader needs.

Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2408) on :

It's an interesting idea, I have to say, but I don't really know where you're going with this. And after the part where you say, "I was and still am none of that," you should tell us who this character is. What I mean is that after I read that I was expecting to see something like: "I am (whatever it is this character is supposed to be)."

And at first, I thought this sounded a bit too info dumpy, but when I read that you intend this to be a novel, I changed my mind and decided that it works.

Again, it's a very interesting idea and I do like it.

Posted by Usana (Member # 2407) on :

#yanos
Okey, I'll keep that in mind. Thank you for taking your time reading my work. 1st POV is a little hard to write, especially when it comes to introducing the background and the such to the reader. (I'm working on the problem, though)

#Shendülféa
I'm glad you like it. I like it, too. *grin*
Anyway, I'm well aware of that problem.(No name narrator is no good... ) *Sigh* I'm trying to fix it, but still no idea how to do it smoothly.

Posted by TaShaJaRo (Member # 2354) on :

Usana – for your difficultly in introducing the narrator’s name in first person, what about following up Shendülféa’s suggestion with the name? You have set it up perfectly to work naturally that way. For example: "I was and still am none of that. I am simply, NAME, a third son of a lesser noble,” or whatever. You get the idea. It would be perfectly natural for him to state his name there, followed by a brief description of how he sees himself. It would provide a nice contrast to how others see him and still give the reader what they need without it seeming forced.

I hope that helps.

Posted by Usana (Member # 2407) on :

Yes, that's really help. thanks for pointing it out for me, I can be really dense sometimes...Anyway, thank you!

[This message has been edited by Usana (edited March 03, 2005).]

Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :

I have to agree with Shendülféa and TaShaJaRo. Just saying "I am..." would work perfectly.

Grammatically:

quote:
...story-tellers had made up...

maybe "have made up" instead? I'm not sure about this one.

quote:
I am not a long lost descendent of the great king Kelluc, waited all this years to claim my rightfully throne and avenge...

Three things:
1. "long-lost"
2. change "waited" to "waiting"
3. change "rightfully" to "rightful"

quote:
Kalya, once, told me...

You don't need the commas around "once."

quote:
...to the people's spirit and if I am...

I'd put a comma in between "spirit" and "and" since this is such a long sentence.

quote:
It startled me to hear them from her...

I think you want "hear it from her" or "hear that from her" instead.

quote:
When I voice my thought to her...

Keep your tense consistent and replace "voice" with "voiced."

Other than that, I like it.

Hope this helped!

--Jaya

Posted by Usana (Member # 2407) on :

Thank you, Jaina!
You've help me a great deal.
I'm glad you like it.

Posted by ScottMiller (Member # 2410) on :

This works for me. I was going to ask for more context when I saw all the names starting to come, but if this is the start of a novel that's fine--your following sections will draw in the readers, and the beginning makes you curious as to who all these people are, their relations to each other, and the rumors that surround the main character.

All natural follow-ups for your story, should you want to do that (or maybe you've already done it).

Kalya comes across well--very cynical, very aware of politics and image. I would like to know why Kalya is concerned about Mitir's pride, because there has to be something there in that relationship. Since these three have known each other a long time you automatically have a rich source of character interaction you can use.

And don't call yourself dense. Not even in passing. I took a second language and only got to the point where I could order a sandwich or ask for directions. If you can write this well with your second language you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and a great deal to be proud of.

Posted by Usana (Member # 2407) on :

ScottMiller, I wuv u! Marry me, pweese?
.
.
.
Just kidding. I'm really appreciate your compliment. Thank you! *blushing*

Yes, these three friend goes way back, and I intend to use it to my utmost advantage. *wink*
And yes, there's something between Mitir and Kalya.

By the way, what second language did you take?

Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :

Looks like everyone beat me to it gramatically, so I won't repeat what's been said.

Seriously though, your English is excellent. My second language is French and it is NOTHING in comparison. Oh, I learned Irish in school too and the less said about that the better!

I definitely got the impression of a relationship between the three characters with Kayla deliberately taking a back seat to Mitir. As Scott said, you could use this to great advantage.

Rats! Said I wasn't going to repeat other people and that's basically what this post is. Ah well!

Posted by Usana (Member # 2407) on :

Repeating other people or not, I'm still appreciate your kindness to take time to comment. Thank you!

Oh, I can almost call French, my third language, but as me and my Lady of the teacher who taught French to me, weren't really see eye to eye (on most everythings, and did I mention that she hated my gut?), I dropped it and went out my merrily way. *grin*
I still think French is one of the hardest language to learn, though. I'm glad I gave it up.

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

I find it difficult to believe that a romance language is harder to learn than English.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

Yes, I would be happy to read a few chapters.

Posted by keldon02 (Member # 2398) on :

Usana I like where you're going with it, but my opinion about the names and context is opposite to that of ScottMiller. I'm of the opinion that one needs to introduce them slowly and gently, building interest in other ways.

In this story I want to hear more about the relationship between Kalya, Mitir and "I". But I can wait a while to learn about the Thousand Death War.

Posted by Usana (Member # 2407) on :

Well, Jeraliey, for me it's very hard to learn. (or maybe it was because the teacher, can't tell really)

Thank you, NewsBys. I'll let you know when I need you to look at my work.

keldon02, thanks! About the Thousand Death War, it will have to wait for later chapter. However,you'll learn more about the three earlier. Please, wait a while for me to finish the first three and rewrite them some.

[This message has been edited by Usana (edited March 03, 2005).]

Posted by ScottMiller (Member # 2410) on :

Ursana: My second language is French (like RfLong's) and I've forgotten nearly half of it. I was going to write a sentence here but the only thing that floated up was "ca va sans dire," which is a useful figure of speech, yeah, but not a sentence.

When we did dialogues, my friend Randall and I made up "Ami Idiot and M. Stupide." He was Ami Idiot and I was the estimable Monsieur S. (We were watching "Monty Python's Flying Circus" reruns at the time.)

Er, back on topic, wherever you go with the characters and history I think you can't go too far wrong.

Posted by Usana (Member # 2407) on :

Well, Monsieur S., you're still better than me in French. I've forgot most of it and can only greeting people and order some foods. (Not that I'll need to, I don't think I will go to France or the country that speaks French any time soon, if not ever)
I like the name you and your friend made up, though. Pretty impressive if you ask me. *chuckle*

I'm working on the story, now. Hope to finish the first three chapters before the end of next month. ( Between working and studying, I have so little time left to write...what a shame!)

[This message has been edited by Usana (edited March 04, 2005).]