The spirit, newly awakened from its dark sleep, crept its way through a labrynith of tunnels echoing with sobs and shrieks of agony. An orange glow appeared ahead radiating from a distant cavern as would the light of coals from an oven door. The spirit moved toward it.
As it drew close, its fear increased. An unmistakable smell of power laced the dank air. This then, would be the entrance to the great throne room of Hell.
Trembling, the spirit entered the room and stood cowering just inside the threshold. Walls leafed with gold and draped with swags of vivid purple velvets circumferenced the spacious room. It was a tower most strange and wondrous for it had no ceiling, at least not one that could be seen. As the spirit’s eyes traveled upward, the circular walls rose upward and upward until they disappeared in a ring of shadow.
The throat to the upper world, the spirit thought. The passage way.
Slowly, its attention returned to the resplendant room itself. The glow, the spirit noted, was caused from flickering fires burning in huge stone urns like topiaries of flame set at every corner. In their light, shadows danced against the golden walls like imps at play. Gems studded the floor, radiant and unbelievably beautiful. It was a breath-taking sight. But the most impressive edifice of all was the massive, raised divan central in the room formed in the likeness of three, carved, marble beasts. Upon their muscular backs stood the Judgment Seat. The spirit shuddered to see it, for upon its silken cushions high above, reclined a silent, silver-robed figure.
quote:The phrasing here is awkward. Something like "The spirit awakened from its dark sleep and crept its way through the labrynith." might be more effective. Stating that it's a labyrnith of tunnels is repetitive. The next part, about echoing and sobbing, has an ambiguous source. Is the spirit sobbing, or are the tunnels?
The spirit, newly awakened from its dark sleep, crept its way through a labrynith of tunnels echoing with sobs and shrieks of agony.
quote:I'm split on this one. Although the phrasing is awkward, the sentence got the idea across well enough that I can picture what you mean.
An orange glow appeared ahead radiating from a distant cavern as would the light of coals from an oven door.
quote:You're telling too much and showing not enough.
As it drew close, its fear increased. An unmistakable smell of power laced the dank air. This then, would be the entrance to the great throne room of Hell.
quote:At this point, I'd really like a description of the spirit itself so that I can know what it looks like when it trembles.
Trembling, the spirit entered the room and stood cowering just inside the threshold.
quote:'Circumferenced' is a strange word.
purple velvets circumferenced the spacious room.
quote:Ok. First you tell us what the spirit is about to look at... and then you actually show him looking at it. The second sentence is much more effective than the first.
It was a tower most strange and wondrous for it had no ceiling, at least not one that could be seen. As the spirit’s eyes traveled upward, the circular walls rose upward and upward until they disappeared in a ring of shadow.
quote:
The throat to the upper world, the spirit thought. The passage way.
Slowly, its attention returned to the resplendant room itself. The glow, the spirit noted, was caused from flickering fires burning in huge stone urns like topiaries of flame set at every corner. In their light, shadows danced against the golden walls like imps at play. Gems studded the floor, radiant and unbelievably beautiful. It was a breath-taking sight. But the most impressive edifice of all was the massive, raised divan central in the room formed in the likeness of three, carved, marble beasts. Upon their muscular backs stood the Judgment Seat. The spirit shuddered to see it, for upon its silken cushions high above, reclined a silent, silver-robed figure.
Anyhow, keep it up.
(The human-sniffing anti-spam-bot should leave you be this go.)