In all fairness, I had every right to be completely shocked by who I would eventually become, although hindsight is crystal clear. Certain events during my childhood, both small and large, were recognizable as precursors to the decision that I made; hints that I unwittingly ignored.

Even the very day of my birth could have warned me, had I the knowledge, for I was born on the Day of the Forgotten. It is a day for grief in all the lands, when inexplicable mourning settles over the world as a funeral shroud. I remember it being a mysterious grief, its reason unclear. Every once in a while, I could almost grasp the dull ache, and it felt like I was a heartbeat away from knowing the cause, but every time it slipped from my grasp.

The day was so much a part of our culture, a celebrated part or not, that the great thinkers of the age hardly ever made an even half-hearted attempt to solve the mystery. This has not always been the case, of course. Many have tried, and failed, with serious intent, to discover the truth. Some of the most famous mages and intellectuals of the known world—and probably more than a few from unknown lands—devoted their lives to this fruitless search. But with the passage of centuries, interest has faded into a mild sort of curiosity. Most of us merely accepted it as a forced ritual, grieved, and did not think upon it again until the next year.

[This message has been edited by emelis (edited January 31, 2005).]
 

1. Welcome to hatrack.

2. When posting a fragment, make a hard two lines between paragraphs to help us see the paragraph splits.

3. When posting a fragment, it helps for you to provide the following information up front:

a. The type of help you want (feedback on the 13 lines, volunteers to read the whole text, or both).

b. The length of story (usually a word count...if it's a novel, then the word count of the chapter or chapters you want read.)

c. The genre. (scifi, fantasy, horror, other)

4. I have a small suggestion for you in your third paragraph, beginning "The day was so much a part of our culture..." It seemed weird to me to say that no one cared today and then say many had tried to solve the riddle. For one thing, humans are perpetually curious. We have been trying to figure out who Jack the Ripper was more than a century later when he must be long dead. That said, there are things we let slide as just a part of the way things are, but it seems to me that those things need more of an explanation, especially if they are important enough to write a story about. Why did people stop trying? When did they stop trying? Does anyone at all still try today?

Other than that, this is a fascinating beginning. If you would post a few more details like I mentioned, I may even be able to give you some more assistance, I'm just not sure what you need.
 

sorry, but i've never really been involved with a critique group and i'm not entirely sure what to expect.

the things i'd like help with... i guess just the concept. i'd like to know if others find the story readable or if it is a waste of time. *grins* i wouldn't stop writing it, though... i like wasting my time.

christine, i love the fact that you asked THAT question. it is one of the key things about the actual day, and will be explained later in the novel. maybe i made it a bit too obvious... or maybe too jarring since you complained about it.

the genre is fantasy. not an alternate history, but a world that i hope will be recognizable.

and... where do you think that it is going? what do you think is glaringly obvious? is the writing style okay or too verbose?

E

[This message has been edited by emelis (edited January 31, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by emelis (edited January 31, 2005).]
 

Right. With 1st person stories, it sometimes takes a while before we learn the character's name... in other cases, it takes far too long.

I feel you could actually tell us the characters name in the very first sentence. I don't think that would harm anything, and people will immediately identify with your character -- especially if it's a special name that has much meaning.

If it's mentioned in the next few paragraphs after these, it's probably okay. Still, and though I know many would disagree, this intro--if it is the story's start, that is--begs for the character's name right at the beginning.

Just don't make us wait too long for it. We'll get impatient.

Oh, and expect the unexpected here. That's my advice.
 

in the REAL beginning of the book, her name is given right away.

the reason why i didn't put that one in here? the word 'effluvia' is used in the first sentence. didn't want to shock anyone.

E.
 

I very much enjoy the setup of the story that you have written. However, I believe your prose would benefit from a more direct approach to what you are saying.

For example, "hardly ever made an even half-hearted attempt" could be written more succinctly. e.g. "seldom attempted, and then half-heartedly". Beware overloading on conversational tone, unless you feel that to be a primary factor of your style.

Keep up the good work.

[This message has been edited by Malkier (edited January 31, 2005).]