A Key Turning
1989
Of course he left me his name and, according to Mama, my face, but the only tangible relics are from my father’s old sea bag—a chunk of brass and its tooth-worn key.
Sometimes when I’ve heard her crying over unpaid bills, I’ll come out here by the lake and just hold it in my hand, staring at my reflection and wondering if just the sight of me only adds to her pain. I stand there wanting to drop the tarnished metal straight down into my own face and leave it there, knowing I never will.
I pull my chain through the wheel and fasten the heavy lock.
“Hi, Robbie.” Susie hops in dismount, then secures her bicycle, threading her cable and tumbling its numbers. I wave. Her perennial tan is accented by light blue overalls, a sunflower-patterned shirt, and pink-laced shoes.
Her father runs a counseling center forty miles north in Atlanta, so, after school, Susie hangs with me and Jimmy. Sometimes, when we stop by Mama’s shop, the women just rave when they find out who she is; Dr. Gramm is such a brave man to be raising you by himself. He must be such a good father.
They’d never say such things about Mama.
quote:
Of course he left me his name and, according to Mama, my face, but the only tangible relics are from my father’s old sea bag—a chunk of brass and its tooth-worn key.
Two things I would do. Preferentially, I would add a comma after "Of course" and add "I have" after relics. It would just make it read smoother... opinions will vary, tho'.
quote:
Sometimes when I’ve heard her crying over unpaid bills, I’ll come out here by the lake and just hold it in my hand, staring at my reflection and wondering if just the sight of me only adds to her pain.
Obviously, "her" is "Mama" but I think you just put Mama in. It will remove any doubt as to who you are talking about. Actually, it might even be better to write: "Sometimes while Mama cries over unpaid bills..." Because as written, its a bit awkward with "heard" when you're not near Mama.
quote:
I stand there wanting to drop the tarnished metal straight down into my own face and leave it there, knowing I never will.
You're talking about his reflection. I'm not sure if you need to say its a reflection -- I got it -- but it wouldn't hurt if you did.
The rest I leave to more capable heads...
Good tips. Will incorporate a few of them. I didn't want to stay solely inside the POV characters head for very long, hence the quick introduction of Susie. Any suggestions as to how I could segue into her.
peace.
once i finish painting the living room and cleaning up my mess i'm going to try to polish it a bit. i may repost to see what folks think. thanks again everyone for the feedback. thanks also for the encouraging remarks.
peace.
quote:"According to Mama" seems like it should go into parantheses. The reason I say this is that there are three commas in the sentence, and although this isn't bad in and of itself, the segments of sentence between your commas are short. Very short, in some cases. It's kind of jarring and awkward.
Of course he left me his name and, according to Mama, my face, but the only tangible relics are from my father’s old sea bag—a chunk of brass and its tooth-worn key.
quote:Ok -- maybe I'm just an idiot. But I had to read this sentence twice before I finally figured out that he was talking about dropping the artifact into the reflection of his own face.
I stand there wanting to drop the tarnished metal straight down into my own face and leave it there, knowing I never will.
quote:Another instance of commas usage run rampant. Maybe this is just a pet-peeve of mine, but it breaks the flow of the thought, which is uncomfortable and awkward for the reader.
Her father runs a counseling center forty miles north in Atlanta, so, after school, Susie hangs with me and Jimmy.
quote:Without a doubt, this is the best part of the whole 13-lines. Especially the last bit, about how they'd never say such things about Mama. It makes me want to read on in order to find out just what they DO say about her.
Sometimes, when we stop by Mama’s shop, the women just rave when they find out who she is; Dr. Gramm is such a brave man to be raising you by himself. He must be such a good father.
They’d never say such things about Mama.
Overall, nice job.