Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Pandir Decloaked

This is topic Pandir Decloaked in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

This is the beginning of my second novel WIP. It's a sequel to my first, but I'm planning to make it independently readable. So, although I'm happy to have comments on this thread, and although I'll happily send the first three chapters to anyone who asks, what I'm really looking for are a few people who've read the first book in its entirety, as well as a few who haven't read any of it at all. I'd like the first group to tell me whether there are too many infodumps. I'd like the second group to tell me if they feel lost. Second group: Don't be deceived. I'm not claiming that this is a standalone novel. It's definitely the second in a series. I just want readers to be able to read and enjoy it without having read the first.

The genre is . . . well, I'm still not sure. I think the publishing category would be fantasy, but if so it's one of those that has no magic or elves or dragons. The first three chapters add up to about 6000 words. I know that's a little long for some of you, but remember that I'm not asking for a full critique. (Of course, if you want to give me one, I won't complain.) OK, here are the first thirteen:

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Heldrick raised a gloved hand for silence. From his horse’s nostrils billowed clouds of moonlit steam, backlit by the snow and tattered by the wind. He pulled back his hood, exposing his face to the pinpricks of wind-borne ice crystals, and listened for a repeat of the sound he’d heard, or imagined. The wind veered west, bringing faint cries with it, then north again.

“I heard,” Grayvle said. “Shall we?”

They should have been back an hour ago. But Heldrick nodded, and they set off at a gallop, their hoofbeats muffled by snow.

At the woods they slowed to a trot. The moonlight shone through the high, leafless branches, but the trees grew thickly enough to limit visibility to thirty paces. The cries had stopped, but they must have come from nearby.
===================================

I'll send it as a Word attachment, unless you specify .rtf or .wpd.

Thanks.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

I am in favor of fantasy w/out magic, elves or dragons, so I can take a look.

The second sentence seems a little awkward - instead of "From the horse's nostrils billowed clouds..." I'd say "Clouds billowed from the horse's nostrils..."

Posted by Netstorm2k (Member # 2279) on :

Concur about both points. There's too little fantasy out there that doesn't have a whole bunch of pixies floating around using magic on dragons who are trying to eat an elf commune. But that's just me.

I also thought the line was a bit awkward. Starting any sentence with a preposition is bound to make it so, though there are exceptions.

But I'm game for a look. Send me what you've got. Word will do fine.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You need to watch your "they"s a little more carefully.

But I'll probably have plenty of comments like that over the course of three chapters, so I'll save some time and just read them first.

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

Me!!! Me!!!

Posted by Mekvat (Member # 2271) on :

I'm with Beth and Netstorm2k. My WIP is similarly non-magical. I would like to read your three chapters.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

My dear Mr. Fisher,

I would be delighted to read your latest literary efforts.

Sincerely yours,
MaryRobinette
(Mrs. R. A. Kowal)

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

It's on its way, y'all.

I had a reason for starting that sentence like that, but I'll be doggoned if I can figure it out now.

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

Mr. Fisher,

So glad to see you back here. First off, I'd like to say I liked what you wrote and where it was going.

BUT-
The beginning line of the last little bit kind of threw me a bit. You could rewrite it with it saying the same thing. For example:

"Slowing to a trot as they neared the dimly lit woods, they realized that the moonlight didn't allow them to see more than thirty paces."

Something like that but, then again, my opinion.

-Bryan-

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

Geez, you guys! I take the Sabbath off and you have all the fun without me!

If it's not too late, Mr Fisher, may I take a look?

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

Well . . . I guess so. But next time, you'd better learn to snap to it!

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

Hey! Me to Rick!
If you're still up for it I will read.