Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 4th rewrite piece

This is topic 4th rewrite piece - A Vinesley Christmas Eve in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by dpatridge (Member # 2208) on :

i've abandoned the old topic since it's now rather misleading on the actuality of what the story had developed into.

anyways, i've reworked things quite a bit, doubt i'd go so far as to say it underwent a massive overhaul, but it may be close :P

the story now weighs in at 3300 words, and it is clearly somewhere between where the lines of sci-fi, fantasy, and contemporary lit blur.

it is written in mainly past tense first person.

anyways, with so little time left before the deadline, anyone feel up to helping me with some last minute adjustments?

first thirteen lines follow:

quote:
As mum and pops tucked us into bed, I couldn’t help but think of the day following. Christmas! It was always a most special day of the year, despite the troubles in the world, we were always happy, and everyone would come together on Christmas. So as I entered the world of dreams, it was no surprise that some of it’d be about the big day. . . .
#
“Hey, get up Viniece!” Slicer yelled into my ear. “’Tis the big day m’bro!” my brother spoke as did most people in the area these days, other than him, family excluded.
As I shook myself awake I began to take in my surroundings. . . .

Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :

I like the tone and it has a nice cozy feel to it.

The only issue I have is the last line.

"As I shook myself awake I began to take in my surroundings. . . ."

This line is jarring with the familial tone of the the rest. It would fit better if it reflected the awakening from a pleasantly christmas related slumber to the waking world.

Stretching and scrubbing the last of my gumdrop dreams away I was surprised by what greeted my sleep fogged eyes...

Something like that matches the beginning tone...obviously my line is a little exagerated and saccharine. It's only for illustration.