Hatrack River Writers Workshop: And...and...again...well?

This is topic And...and...again...well? in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

At this point, I am looking for readers of the first couple of chapters in my fantasy novel, Sister of Deceit(around 6,000 words). I am particularly looking for feedback on how emotionally gripping the text is.

As always, I would also appreciate feedback on the first 13 lines of my text.

quote:
Immediately upon awakening, May was sure that she had recovered from the plague. All pain was gone. None of the sourness in her throat remained. In fact, if she wanted to, she could spring out of bed and dance -- she was healthy again. She would live!

But then she realized the truth. The pain hadn't vanished; rather, in the confusion that came after emerging from slumber, she had momentarily overlooked it. The sourness in her throat was also still there. And no, she did not have the strength to leap out of bed. She probably didn't even have the strength to lift her head.

Or did she? Maybe she did! Maybe things weren't that bad.
Concentrating with all her strength, May dragged her head an inch above the pillow. She managed a grimace of victory before her head fell back down, hitting her thin pillow. The hard, wooden bed underneath it jarred her upon impact, opening several blisters on her mouth. A warm liquid started oozing out of them, trickling into her mouth.
Impulsively, May tried spitting it out. However, hard as she tried, she couldn't remove it all. She tried lifting her arms to wipe the liquid off, but there was no strength. Gods, she thought, I'm about to die! I can't even wipe my mouth clean, and I'm going to die!

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited December 14, 2004).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

This is a bit too emotional, not gripping enough.

Still, I think it's been a while since I looked at your first chapter, so send it on over.

Posted by ArCHeR (Member # 2067) on :

The Gods part is a little off. Okay, so she's polytheistic, which means this is probably in ancient times. But I don't think anyone would just think "gods". They would probably think of a particular god. Perhaps their city's patron god (Athena for Athens), maybe the god of health or disease (Hermes for greek), god of death (Hel for Norse), or the head god (Jupiter for Roman).

[This message has been edited by ArCHeR (edited December 16, 2004).]

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

This frag also strikes me as overly emotional. I know she's ill, and is probably ecstatic that she's feeling better at all, but I liked the previous frags better in that respect. The flow of her thoughts was easier to read.

I would ask to read, but I don't think I've had enough time away from this to be truly objective. Maybe next time.

[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited December 16, 2004).]