I'd like a few readers to look at the first 1000 words or so of this story, and let me know what they think about how I handle some emotions for my POV character. I'm trying to ride the balance between taking the reader through the process, and trusting the reader to fill in the blanks. I'm afraid I may be leaning a little to heavily on the overkill side. Let me know if you'd like to take a look. (the asterisked language is as bad as it gets). Here's the opening 13:
* * *
It was the adrenaline that drove John Fennessy. He thrived on the thrill of going head-to-head with the Droogs and walking away unscathed.
That’s why he didn’t take the shot; it was too easy. He had his crosshairs set on it, right on the back of its head, its silvery skin making him cringe. It was badly wounded, leaving a trail of syrupy black blood. Through the scope, John watched it slowly limp down the street and turn the corner onto Fifth Avenue.
He pulled his eye back from his gun and sank down into the makeshift bunker in the abandoned parking garage.
Carl was in his face in an instant. “D*** it, Corporal! You know you can’t pass up a free shot like that! Our orders are to eliminate all Droogs in the area.”
John sat back against the cement barrier and watched as Carl glared at him through a dark mask of mud and the grime of war. “It was wounded,” he said finally. He dug out a cigarette and put it in his mouth. “Won’t live for long.”
* * *
EDIT: I forgot to censor myself. *blush*
[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited December 04, 2004).]
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
I'll look.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
Send it along, dogg.
wetwilly574@hotmail.com
Read "A Clockwork Orange" much? Nice homage.
Posted by TheoPhileo (Member # 1914) on :
Now you've got me curious. I've never so much as seen a copy of Clockwork Orange. Saw a clip from the movie once, and it looked pretty... out there. It does have a following, though.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I have to say that the concept of a sniper that gets off on the thrill of going head to head sort of puzzled me.
That said, I like it. If I saw a combat ineffective limping around trailing blood, I probably wouldn't bother either. Not worth the risk of giving up my position. Shooting the wounded isn't really a sniper's job.
So send it on over.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
I'll take a look. Be sure to remind me again in your email what it is you're looking for in the critique.