Hatrack River Writers Workshop: hey, i've gotten started on my christmas parody

This is topic hey, i've gotten started on my christmas parody in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by dpatridge (Member # 2208) on :

still no title, but at least i've gotten an idea for it and about 300 words written for the story itself...

anyways, i'm posting my first 12 lines here and asking for critiquers. i can't post 13 lines, cause then i'd be right in the middle of a sentence!

quote:
As mum and pops tucked us into bed, I couldn’t help but think of the day which would follow. Christmas! It was always a special day of the year, despite the troubles in the world we were always happy, and everyone could come together on this most special day of the year. So as I dozed off into the world of dreams, it is no surprise that I would dream about the big day. . . .
#
“Hey, get up Viniece!” Slicer yelled into my ear. “’Tis the big day m’bro!”
As I shook myself awake I began to take in my surroundings. . . . Wait a minute! What is this stuff I’m wearing! I-I I look like an elf!

rip me to pieces, i deserve it... uhm, just be gentle ok? :P

Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :

<makes gentle ripping sounds> How's that?

Seems pretty good so far. Let the dream sequence begin! You might want to change "could" to "would" in "...everybody could come together..."

My story is still forming in my head, but I do plan to have one.

Posted by Tess (Member # 2199) on :

Cute beginning, turning into an elf unexpectedly. Seems these short postings never give enough information to know where you're going.

Just one piece of advice: watch the repetitive words and phrases. Sentence two: "special day" is used twice. Sentence three: dreams, dream.

If you only have 300 words, I have time to read that much, but if the story isn't "finished," what are you looking for? Ideas on what to do?

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

ROFLMAO!!!!!!

Little more to say ^^.

Posted by dpatridge (Member # 2208) on :

well, i just wanted a critique on how you felt things were going so far, and i suppose the minor grammar fixes are good too.

please note that i'm writing this from the perspective of a pre-teen boy, although he speaks better than his brother (the reason i chose him as the pov, trust me, the dialogue his brother speaks is gonna be hard enough for you to read, don't want to write the entire story that way

however, i do believe i should adjust things a little bit... well, thanks for the comments, and if anyone has anything to add, feel free

Posted by dpatridge (Member # 2208) on :

WOOT! i'm done writing. it comes to being 2k short of my original estimates of length, but that doesn't matter, perhaps someone might tell me i left some scene not quite fleshed out enough and i'll go back and i'll get closer to my goal

the first thirteen right now follow:

quote:
As mum and pops tucked us into bed, I couldn’t help but think of the day which would follow. Christmas! It was always a most special day of the year, despite the troubles in the world we were always happy, and everyone would come together on Christmas. So as I dozed off into the world of dreams, it was no surprise that it’d be about the big day. . . .
#
“Hey, get up Viniece!” Slicer yelled into my ear. “’Tis the big day m’bro!”
As I shook myself awake I began to take in my surroundings. . . . Wait a minute! What is this stuff I’m wearing! I-I I look like an elf!

well, as usual for me, the details of the story took on a mind of their own, and i think it became sufficiently speculative towards the end. i am now looking for readers for the full text, which is about 3k words or 15 pages. let's see if we can get any tweaking done before the challenges deadline!

the story is actually a prelude to Searth, interesting enough... hehe, i think i've got Searth on the brain a little too much.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I'm getting close to nowhere with mine, and since mine isn't even on the same continent as yours (as far as content), I'd be happy to take a look.

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

I'll take a look.

Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :

<As mum and pops tucked us into bed, I couldn’t help but think of the day which would follow>

"day which would follow" threw me a little. I think I would have found "tommorow" more palatable.

This sentence seemed to run on a little

"was . . . it would"
The mixed tenses are hard on the eyes

It seemed a little strange to me that the first thing he noticed when "taking in" these strange surrounding were his own clothes.

It assumed that Slicer was an elf that he had never met before, which made it seem strange that the POV character apparently knew his name and wasn't surprised to be woken by him. If Slicer is his brother or someone that he knows, then disregard.

Seems like an interesting idea. Wish I had time to take on something that long right now. If you still want critiques in a week or so, let me know.

Posted by dpatridge (Member # 2208) on :

my story is not as ready as i thought it was, it's taking on a mind of it's own took it on a self-destructive path, so i need to try to force it back on path

and this is proving absolutely impossible, i cannot seem to tear out the Searth tie-in, what i'm going to need to do is make it smoother, which i see being a very difficult endeavor as well... ugh, well... wish me luck, and i may as well kill this thread, it's only partly a parody anymore. at least in the common sense of the word. it still "parodies" several well known works, but only some of them are made humorous.

[This message has been edited by dpatridge (edited December 17, 2004).]