.High above a nameless mountain valley, at the landing of one of the effacing mountain’s sheer cliffs, a solemn man sat, quietly daydreaming, deep in a fire lit cave. His name was Kinh, a chestnut-colored man, a man of slight stature, with mature features and deep, wise brown eyes. He sat, still with contentment, upon a high-backed chair carved from a single trunk of cedar. The chair was not ornate, but rough-hewn, much like the man, and faced the opening of the cave. Behind him a bright fire burned warm and steady, filling the cave with a soothing amber glow, blending with the setting sunlight that the man gazed into, above the distant range that stretched along the far side of the valley. He breathed steadily, paced by the gentle flow of a dusky breeze that swirled into the cave. The flames of the fire waved with the breeze, as did the valley grasses, the tree limbs, and the dark, woolen locks that hung from Kinh’s head, barely touching the floor. Such was Kinh’s existence as to constantly be in harmony with the changing of the currents of the wind, so that he could always hear the songs that the winds would sing.
Now, on to your beginning.
Your description of the man immediately captured me. It imbued me with a feeling of wisdom and serenity. Unfortunately, that feeling lasted too long! That is to say, by the end of the paragraph I found myself wondering if that's all there was to this story, or if there was to be any action at all. You lost me as quickly as you caught me. Is nothing going to happen? Am I to read an entire novel with about nothing but a man sitting, watching a peaceful scene with peaceful thoughts? Give me some action!
All in all, you have a beautiful way with words and imagery, but your sentences have a tendency to ramble on and on, with one thought flowing into another, much as this sentence is doing. Whew! It's hard to keep reading after a few sentences like that!
Consider breaking them up: change your sentence lengths and rhythms to make them more readable. It will keep your readers' minds from being lulled to sleep, keep them on the edge of their mental seats. Challenge them with variety.
Did I mention action? Give me some action! Give me a foreshadowing of what is going to happen! You may not have any more than those first 13 lines to convince me that this tale is worth spending my hard-earned money and precious time.
C'mon... don't keep us in this peaceful dark any longer! Inquiring minds DO want to know! *G*
Were you looking for readers yet?
Susan
In bold are the adjectives. WAY too many. Please just tell the story. Too many adjectives is like too much salt in a pot of otherwise delicious soup. The soup is great, but too much salt and BAM! It's disgusting and your supper is GONE .
Unfortunatly, your entire text is plagued by this overdose of "salt."
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited November 04, 2004).]
quote:
I'm new here, and was wondering if I could drum up some feedback on a story I've recently just picked back up. Here's the first 13 lines - I'm not a published writer, and my feeble confidence needs a boost. Here goes:
Try writing your story like you wrote this post -- you are telling a story, which is different, sure, but speak clearly and keep your description to a reasonable level. Also keep your story moving forward.
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited November 04, 2004).]
I see what you mean. I guess, when I think of fantasy, I think of a more wordy writing because it is so heavy with detail, since often times fantasy requires the creation of a totally new environment that doesn't already exist. I'll change the recipe, though, and see how it turns out.
It's a shame we can only post 13 lines - so much happens just after this little piece I posted. There's much more to him than solemn contemplation. If interested, I can send you what more I have, though it is not a completed work.