When every cell in your body starts thinking for itself. You become a hive. The burn of it swells red, wet and vicious from your chassis.
That kind of fear has its own uberlogic, beyond mind and doubt.
You are left just a vestigial lizard clinging to the top of your spinal cord.
It’s not why I hit him.
But it’s why I kept hitting him.
I didn’t think about it before I did it. It was biological. I had to show them I was crazier than all the rest of them put together.
Then maybe they would leave me alone.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 02, 2004).]
Though I'm totally confused as to what's going on, besides the narrator is beating someone to a pulp....
Otherwise pretty good...
Just one thing. The story's progression may resolve this, but at the moment it looks like a contradiction. First the story says that he didn't initially hit the guy because of the aforementioned biological reasons. Then he says that he didn't think about it before he did it -- it was biological. This may make sense later on, but it doesn't make sense to me right now.
I think you are trying to use too many metaphors in the first paragraph though: First he's a hive, then a chassis, and finally a vestigial lizard. Stick to one and develop it more.
Also, in the second paragraph it would work better for me if you name his rivals instead of using "them" and "him". The pronouns are just too general here.
quote:
I had to show them I was crazier than all the rest of them put together.
It flows nice and it leaves me curious, but unless I learn more about the characters soon I may get frustrated.
It is a quickening terror.
When every cell in your body starts thinking for itself. You become a hive. The burn of it swells red, wet and vicious from the kundalini.
That kind of fear has its own uberlogic, beyond mind and doubt. Conciousness barely clinging to the knot at the top of your spinal cord.
It’s not why I hit him. But it’s why I kept hitting him.
I didn’t think about it before I did it. It was biological. I had to show the other detainees that I was crazier than all of them put together.
Then they would leave me alone.
The transport hulk had been in orbit for more than a year and food was running out. There was some sort of fungus infection spreading through the berths. The biodegradable underclothes issued on embarkation had biodegraded, and we were conserving water. The air was bad, but the smell was worse in the women’s section. All the hormone inhibitors were gone.
The cameras were smashed in the exercise yard. That’s where I found Semler, with his wives. That’s where I hit him and kept hitting him and then I ran.
I didn’t intend to kill him. I’m a god-fearing man.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 03, 2004).]
Wow, this sounds like something awfully interesting. Novel or Short?
But I'll tell you where you drew me in--it was AFTER the first thirteen lines. It was the paragraph beginning with "The tranport hulk had been..."
Before that I'm seeing a mish-mash of POV and tense and images that don't bring images to mind that draw me in. Someone once got after me for waxing overly poetic in first person. You kind of have to pull back a bit on that, or the narrator becomes aloof, distant, out of reach of the reader. We want to see him as one of us in order to properly sympathize with him. I'd start with the situation and explain why he did it (or kept doing it) afterward.
I also agree with Lorien's comments. Particularly about the first two lines. I think it's that little "When..." that throws me off. Consider cutting it and starting the sentence with "Every..." I also think the first FEW lines would flow more smoothly if they were combined or rearranged in such a way that we felt they were connected, rather than disjointed and unrelated.
You sucked me in with this idea that every cell in this guy's body is literally thinking for itself and acting independantly. Bizar, but quite interesting. It made me speculate maybe you were heading along the lines of violence is the way he can "quiet" his cells back into being one body he can control when they start "going individual". I am also assuming at least some of the other people may be experienceing this too. So, who does this guy feel more danger from: his own cells or those of others? I hope you don't just abandon this concept, is what I'm saying. Unless you didn't mean it in the literal way I interpreted. Then I just feel cheated.
Sounds fun, when will you be looking for readers?
other than that the revised version sounds great... of course, i would like it if you provided context clues to what that word means, or do SOMETHING so that i knew what it was, and soon.
Energy that lies dormant at the base of the spine until it is activated and channeled upward through the chakras.
[Sanskrit kualin, from feminine of kualin-, coiled, spiral, from kualam, ring, coil, perhaps of Dravidian origin.]
I am not great with POV.
Tell me how it is a mish mash and I will fix it.
I thought it was clearly the narrator's point of view.
(My copy of 'Character and Viewpoint' is literally in the mail, arrives Nov 11 -- thankyou Amazon.com!)
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 04, 2004).]
The second paragraph introduces the story as 2nd person. The 'you's. Using some 'you's (she waves her hand in the air, in that motion that says 'iffy')is not necessarily a violation of the first person POV, but sticking to a single technical POV will go a long way toward developing your character if you make us feel these things through his own experiences ("I felt like..."), rather than trying to relate them to his audience's experiences (You know how it feels when...). So, instead of saying, "When every cell in your body starts thinking for itself. etc etc" He might say, "My body became a hive, every cell thinking for itself, burning, swelling red, wet, vicious. Like it left a vestigial lizard clinging to the top of my spinal cord."
Essentially the same information, solidly first person POV. I am able to have much greater sympathy for him KNOWING without any doubt that this is the way he felt.
In seven more days you'll have all you ever wanted to know about POV at your fingertips. Happy reading!
In omniscient POV, the reader sits on the shoulder of the author because the reader is supposed to see everything (relevant to the story) that the author knows. Essentially, it means that the author tells the reader what everyone is thinking (puts the reader inside of everyone's heads).
In first person POV, the author creates a narrator who tells the story from an "I" point of view. I saw this, I did that, I heard thus and such. The reader sits inside the head of "I" (the narrator).
In second person POV, the author tells the reader what the reader is seeing, doing, etc, with "you" (and it doesn't work very well for very long).
In third person POV, the author puts the narrator and the reader on the shoulder (but not necessarily inside the head) of a character, with "he" or "she" or "it" (and while this approach isn't as "intimate" as first person, it can be almost as "intimate" and has advantages over first person that make it a better choice for writers who are learning how to tell stories than first person--OSC's CHARACTER AND VIEWPOINT cover the advantages and disadvantages, so I hereby refer you to that book).
i knew what pov was, that ones easy enough
You might be surprised at how often someone shows up here not really understanding POV. I'd rather tell people more than they need to know than take a chance on them not knowing something.
It's so hard to tell what people mean online because all we have are the words on the screen. No tone of voice, no expressions.
I don't think you're rubbing people the wrong way, dpatridge, and I hope you aren't feeling rubbed the wrong way either.
Please feel assured that if you were doing something wrong, at the very least you would get an email about it, and at the most, someone would try to straighten you out here on Hatrack (gently, I hope).
You're doing okay. Really.
But I am worried about the POV stuff, honestly can't see where I have shifted POV.
But will fix it when I do.
I was reading a book written by an 1830s bushranger. He was explaining and justifying himself the whole way through, saying things like: if it happened to you... you would have done it too. When something like that happens to you... you feel rage welling up... etcetera
So I have adopted that sort of, self-justifying persona, if it does not work, I will change it. If it is a genuine POV problem, I will fix it.
BTW: DJVDakota: its a short story.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 07, 2004).]
But I agree with the others that what really hooked me was the stuff that came after the first 13 lines.
I'd like to read more.