Well, here's another stab at it. Thanks to those who gave input before. This is the first 13 of a children's story about 75 pages long. It's aimed at 10-12 year olds. I know some criticism will come from having a dead narrator, but that comes into play later and I need to keep it. I could use readers on the first chapter, a mere 350 words. Thanks.
I’m a cowboy. Rather I was a cowboy. I’m not a cowboy anymore, I’m dead now. It’s okay though, I’ve been dead for over a hundred years so I’m pretty much over it by now. I guess I should admit that I wasn’t a real cowboy in the sense that I worked with cows or lassoed things or went on cattle drives or was an outlaw gunslinger or got deputized or any of them cowboy things. In fact, I saw cows only a few times, never roped nothing, encountered just a few cattle drivers, and one time and one time only was I ever part of a posse. However, I did live in the Old West and wear one of them cowboy hats. As I said, I got over dying, but there’s one thing I never did get over, that’s the time I lost my horse. I guess you could say that’s when my story really started when I lost Old Steve, but I got to make sure you understand I didn’t misplace my horse like you might lose your car keys, and he didn’t wander off like a six year old at Chuck E. Cheese, and he didn’t die from some mad horse disease neither. I lost him in a spittin’ contest.
Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :
I wonder though if a cowboy, dead for over a hundred-years, would be familar with Chuck E Cheese. I wouldn't be caught dead in such a place myself. Posted by shadowynd (Member # 2077) on :
Not "cattle drivers", but drovers. I like this beginning better. It is more focused and leads into the story better, presuming the story is about losing his horse, that is.
Ditto on the Chuck E. Cheese comment, though. Ditto to both parts of it. *G*
Susan
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
Better, much better, especially the first paragraph. It might not hurt to put a paragraph break in there, though. The second paragraph feels like it still needs some work. You could probably combine the first two sentences to good effect; they seem repetitive. I'll second the the Chuck E. Cheese remark (although I liked the place as a kid :-)) -- perhaps you could use something like the fair that would apply to both the narrator and the contemporary audience.
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
Sorry about the second post. I meant to add that I'll read the first chapter.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
I'll read it. Please send it my way. But I've recently become aware that 10-12 year olds don't much like hearing too much about death in a story. I wonder if that reflects some of the added stress since 911?
Posted by Michaelpfs (Member # 2209) on :
Thanks, those who asked it has been sent. Yeah, Mike Munsil, I guess you would know about the tastes of 10-12 year olds in regards to death. LOL
Yes, the story is about Billy's quest to find his lost horse and the adventures he encounters along the way.
Posted by Jules (Member # 1658) on :
On behalf of all our non-American readers, can I ask... what _is_ a Chuck E. Cheese? It sounds dreadful (and if it has anything to do with food, which I'm sure it must, has a rather unfortunate meaning in British slang that means it would _never_ take off on this side of the Atlantic...).
Oh, and Minister -- you can edit your old post by clicking on the icon above it with a paper and pencil, so there's no need to post twice.
Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :
Michaelpfs, this is much better. The last version read like someone trying to write what a character is saying. This one reads like the character wrote it himself. It feels more solid. Thank you for prefacing with your intended readership--it made a difference in how I read it. The lost horse idea is clearly an important focus, and improves these opening lines tremendously.
Jules, Chuck E. Cheese is a chain of pizza/game arcades, and it is truly horrible.
Posted by Michaelpfs (Member # 2209) on :
I guess there is some confusion about Chuck E. Cheese and how a man dead for over a hundred years knows about it. The character is dead, but telling the story now (modern time) from the hereafter (not using the word Heaven). I throw modern pop culture references in there every so often and I'd like to know if this distracts, adds to, or does nothing for the story. I do it only to compare his world to ours for the intended audience (10-12 year olds). Thanks.
