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Aelion went from cold to hot as the sun rose above the White Flats of the Gathian Desert. Poppy red and honey gold washed into each other. He stood in the middle of a caravan of hulking sailwagons, aswarm with Esseri tribesmen loading the last of the salt and preparing for the annual journey. In the distance to the west, hundreds of colorful tents caught the light of the rising sun. Beyond the tent city of Seltaa lay the salt mines. The mines were a vast, labyrinthine excavation, as though for aeons madmen had dug only the foundations of an entire city. Men sang as they labored, striking picks and stabbing spades to the rhythm.

“Get to work, foundling!” snapped Lamek, elbowing him in the back of the head as he walked by carrying a heavy stoppered clay jar, “or we’ll leave you here for someone else to adopt!”

[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 28, 2004).]
 

On other points, Aelion starts in a non-specific location, described in rather general terms. It isn't specified whence the poppy red and honey gold come. You describe the salt mines without any reference to Aelion's perspective or reaction. Even though the prose is good, it doesn't advance our understanding of Aelion's situation. The same is true of Lamek's remark. This gives the text something of a generic feel.

I would suggest you bring Aelion into focus a bit more, giving him motives and so forth.
 

I think you've also got a POV problem, though. I gather that Aelion is your viewpoint character. But it appears that from where he is standing, the city is in the distance, and the mines are beyond the city. Yet you have described the activity in the mines. Unless you make it clear that Aelion knows what is going on in there from past experience or because it is so loud he can hear it in spite of the distance, you're telling us something that he can't be observing.

I'm also not sure about the expression "as though for aeons madmen had dug only the foundations of an entire city." It took me a few moments to get the picture you are trying to present. That's not necessarily bad, but I don't know if you want readers pausing this early in the story to try to figure out descriptive metaphors.

All that said, I probably would have kept reading.
 

I like the way you have the dialogue "snap" Aelion out of his apparent daze while looking at the landscape. However, Lamek needs more of an intro if he is to be a main character (if not, I wouldn't use his name at all). Even though this trips me up, if you follow it with more on Lamek after these 13 lines, it may work.

I like your phrase "aswarm with Esseri tribesmen" even though I know nothing (yet) of what these tribesmen look like or who they are.

I can picture the desert and the excavation, but I do not yet know my place in your world. Since you start with the temperature Aelion is feeling it may not be necessary to start off with specific geographic references. Perhaps start with how he feels in his immediate area, touch on some of the nearby people and things, run into Lamek, and then explain the geography. Trying to do too much in that first paragraph takes away from what I think you are trying to do.

I didn't have a problem with sailwagons, but it is a vague term and will need more description at a later time. Otherwise your readers will make their own conclusions that may or may not fit in with future references. Also, I imagine that if these things are "hulking" then it will take a decent amount of constant wind for them to move around (something you may, or may not, wish to touch on).

I'm a sucker for fantasy and the idea of these big sailwagons tearing across the desert and a point of view from apparently a slave caught up in the whole operation sounds like fun. I'll take a look at it whenever it's ready.

[This message has been edited by Braddock (edited October 28, 2004).]
 

Also, there will be plenty of wind, it is a yearly weather phenomenon they take advantage of every spring.

Thank you all for the excellent comments and observations. Survivor, I understand your concern--you've got me thinking on it. But I am quite enamoured of the idea, and unless I can think of something much better with which to replace them, the sailwagons will stay. Some sort of fantastic pack-animal or beast is another route I'm considering. I simply cannot replace them with humble "ordinary" beasts! Again, thanks everyone.

[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 30, 2004).]
 

They will have a strong seasonal wind against their backs, so there's not much need for moves that will stress the axles. The front has two widely spaced wheels, which do not turn, and the rear has a single wheel that turns via a long lever. They're about the size of a semi truck, though not quite as tall, with a low center of gravity. They travel at about 40-50 mph, which doesn't seem like much today. And when one crashes... it is most spectacular.

If I could model such a vehicle on a computer and virtually test it, I suppose chances are pretty good it wouldn't behave as desired, but fantasy does give one a tiny bit of leeway on these things. Not too much, but some. Something the size and weight of a dragon should never be able to fly, either, but where would we be without dragons?

I had also considered some type of primitive dirigible, but piloting and materials are far more problematic for dirigibles than for the sailwagons. Part of the tribe's annual journey goes through another part of the land where the wagons are pulled by teams of beasts. The wagons are maintained and so forth in the winter, the "off" season, as it were.

[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 31, 2004).]
 

Ok, the only thing I have to add is, reading the first sentence, I thought Aelion was the planet, not a person.