Here is the new beginning for "Some People Can't Let Go." This and other revisions have brought the total length of this sci-fi short to about 2500 words. Readers for the entire story are needed. Thanks for the comments already made, and thanks in advance for your help with this post.
I'm not sure how much longer I can stay ahead of them.
I have become a denizen of the night and the shadows, at once hating the fog and darkness because I cannot see and loving them because I cannot be seen. Just as I hate and love my gun. Love it because it keeps me alive and free as I run. Hate it because if it were not for my gun, I would not need to run.
The three men behind me are afraid, but determined. This makes them dangerous, far more so than if they were just determined, or just afraid. Xaru, Joseph, and Telmor have been careful because of their fear, but their determination has not let them stop. They are right to be afraid, and it is my gun that makes them afraid. I suppose they are right to be determined also, and it is my gun that makes them determined.
Once again, thanks for your help.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
I like it. It drew me in, with little complaint. I would like to read more if it is ready.
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
Thanks. It has been sent.
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
I like the setup and the feel, but now I'm afraid you've changed your tone drastically from the revision. If that's ok with you, then it's ok with me.
You might consider switching your third paragraph with your second paragraph. Gives the reader more of an anchor before you have any introspection -- but it isn't absolutely necessary.
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
Thanks. I'll have to seriously consider your suggestion about paragraph switching to see if I can fit that second paragraph in with the flow of the story from that point. It looks like it might be a great idea.
Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :
That's great. I'll give it a gander.
<I have become a denizen of the night and the shadows, at once hating the fog and darkness because I cannot see and loving them because I cannot be seen.>
My only suggestion is to break this up into two sentences.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
I'll give it a go, if you can wait a week or so. A bit bogged down just now.
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited October 27, 2004).]
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
Chris: Thanks for the suggestion. I'm sending the rest of the story right over.
DJVDakota: It looks like our posts crossed in the ether (hence the edit). I'll send it to you also, and be delighted to hear back from you when you get the chance.
[This message has been edited by Minister (edited October 27, 2004).]
Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :
I'd love to give this a read.
Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :
Minister, you have already received my comments on the whole story, but let me say here for the group that this a tremendously improved beginning over v.1. Excellent work.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I can't say I like this opening as much as the other. It's too repetitive and doesn't give as much information. And the angsting is almost...no, it is rather disgusting.
But really, I think that the main thing is that everything is repeated two or three times, and none of what you're repeating is very interesting in the first place.
Posted by shadowynd (Member # 2077) on :
I really did like this opening much better than your first. I have to somewhat agree with Survivor, though, about the repetition. I would be willing to forgive it as long as it does not continue past this point, though. On the other hand, I'll disagree with him that what you are repeating is not interesting. As I said, I liked this much better. I am intrigued enough to want to know more about these pursuers, but most of all why the gun is so focal in all of this. My guess right off hand is that it is his (past) use of the gun rather than the object itself.
Sorry I cannot read for you at this time, too many other committments, but if you need a reader later, I'd be willing.
Susan
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
I would have to say that I liked your first version better for three reasons: First, the gun seems very essential to this story, so the narrator's fixation on it in the beginning works. Second, the first version sounds more like the narrator is talking to you, and the second sounds like description. Third, The second version is too repetitive. Too many "my gun"s. I think if you keep the gun description in the beginning and then move on to the chase with less gun references it would work for me.
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
Boy, the man was sure right when he said that you can't please all of the people all of the time. Thanks for your feedback, everyone. Now I just have to figure out how to please all of the people some of the time...
J, the story has been sent.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Actually, Minister, you don't decide which people to please, you decide which advice best fits what you are trying to accomplish with the story.
Even best-selling writers can't please very many people, they just please more people than other writers do--and they only do that for a finite period of time.
You have to be true to your story. Consider what everyone has said, think about what the differences may tell you about the story and how it has been perceived, and then listen to the advice that helps the manuscript be a better vehicle for putting your story into the mind of a reader.
Posted by Braddock (Member # 2205) on :
Minister,
Hook me up with this story. The first 13 lines of v.1 didn't do anything for me. I didn't really feel much for the character and didn't really care about the gun all that much. This new set up is great and you've convinced me that this story needs a looking at.
I know you've gotten a lot of responses all ready, but let me take a look as well. The first thirteen lines pulled me in.
[This message has been edited by Braddock (edited October 28, 2004).]
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
Thanks for the response, Braddock. I just mailed it to you.