Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Fragment from 'The Wave of Abandonment And The Wall Of Failure'

This is topic Fragment from 'The Wave of Abandonment And The Wall Of Failure' in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

Here is a portion I'm curious about. Since the protagonist for this chapter has physically entered a dream (and dreams in this story are alternative planes of reality), I was told to incorporate poetry. Well, here it goes...
--------------------------------------------
I stood atop a great wall, twelve paces in width. To either hand, the wall extended as far as the eye could see. The unbroken masonry gleamed bright white, contrasting with the starless black firmament. In fact, the sky held no sun, no moon, or any other source of light. The warm illumination seemed to come from the stonework itself.

Carved gothic writing spiraled from before my feet. Step after step I followed the outward spiral of words:

[CENTER]
Infinitely high,
Infinitely low,
Road ever long.
This is the sign
of my mind,
singing the eternal song.
[/CENTER]

Posted by Jules (Member # 1658) on :

I like this. The style is simple and very evocative. In just a few lines here you've created a very vivid scene.

There are only two things I can think of to comment on specifically:

To either hand, the wall extended as far as the eye could see.

"To either hand" is an odd expression, although it is obvious what it means. I don't know whether changing it to something more familiar would be beneficial or not.

In fact, the sky held no sun, no moon, or any other source of light.

"In fact" is redundant. The sentence stands better without it, I think. I would also drop the "no" before "moon", and the "any". A shorter sentence like this seems more effective to me.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

I don't mind the poetry. But if the poetry is a key cue or something we need to remember later in the story, it might be a little long. Something shorter and easier to remember might be better for that purpose. I'm not sure if that is the purpose here though.

Posted by xarius (Member # 2168) on :

I like the sentence beginning with "To either hand..." I also liked the poetry. I think it was about the right length. Anything longer and I probably wouldn't remember it and anything shorter would seem trival.

Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :

quote:
I was told to incorporate poetry

I didn't know that was a requirement! But it looks like you're doing a good job with it. The poem needs to be some important clue or puzzle to be solved that allows the action to proceed, I hope.

Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

<I didn't know that was a requirement!>

More like a suggestion from a critiquer from a previously fizzled writing group, and I hope he does not mind me quoting him. He said, "to suggest that you write a little more like Joyce, or even intersperse some sing-songy-ness or verse into the telling of these scenes, than your modern Michael Crichton or OSCard type prose."

Of course I don't know a thing about James Joyce except for 'Three Quarks for Muster Mark' being the origin to the term quarks.

This is one instance, unfortuntely, that I am not giving subtle clue to advance the plot. More in an attempt to set a scene or mood. If it were possible, I imagine the 'poem' to actaully spiral around on the page.

Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :

Hmmm. I think it should serve a purpose, but that is my opinion. Otherwise, it is in danger of becoming a red herring.

Posted by Snowman (Member # 2204) on :

Carved gothic writing spiraled from before my feet, spilling out gibberish.

Or you can say that it actually describes the scene of the dream. road ever long - length of the road ontop of the great wall.

Just a couple of ideas to let the reader know that the poem isn't a riddle/clue that they'll need to remember.

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

Actually I have no problem with it not being a clue or foreshadowing. Tolkein interlaced poetry into his book and I doubt anyone thought it was anything more than what it was.

So long as the context is clear the reader should have no problems.