Fantasy. Ready for readers. 3700 words. Thanks for the kick in the pants last week to get this going.
--- New York. 9:45 a.m. Tuesday.
Maxwell Sanders pressed the phone closer to his ear as if that would somehow bring comprehension. "Did you say trolls?"
"Yes, Max." Amalia's voice conveyed an image of rigid posture.
"Let me repeat what I just heard." He ran a hand over his scalp. "Trolls have shut down the aluminum plant construction and you want to redo the plans to appease them?"
"Yes, Max." Static hissed faintly on the line, reminding him that she was in Iceland. "I know what it sounds like, but sixty-four percent of the population here believe in fairies, elves, and trolls. So when the foreman tells me they won't continue working because we're intruding into troll territory I can't just ignore him."
---
Yes, I've been here for two months and I'm finally writing something inspired by Iceland.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited October 29, 2004).]
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Go for it! Excellent start! Do they have a union, too?
Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :
Awesome beginning. Intriguing.
Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :
I agree. So far, so good.
Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :
I like it, too, but have one teeny bugaboo:
quote:He could picture the rigid posture that went with the tone in Amalia's voice. "Let me repeat what I just heard. Trolls have shut down the aluminum plant construction and you want to redo the plans to appease them?"
At first, I thought Amalia was speaking, here.
Other than that... I can't wait until they build in troll territory despite the dire warnings...
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Write the rest!
Posted by xarius (Member # 2168) on :
I like this beginning. You sure got my attention.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Are you sure you're not ready for readers? Because I'd really love to find out what happens next. Great start!
Posted by Braddock (Member # 2205) on :
I was skeptical at first because of the blatant mentioning of trolls without any background, but everything clicked with the last line about having to appease the workers. Brilliant!
I'm new to the forum, but I recognized your style as being very similar to a certain chocolate temptation posting I read before I registered a while back... Of course it was yours. The fact that they both stood out without recognizing the username says a lot. I enjoy your use of the language and would love to see any story you need feedback for. Keep going with this one. I think you've got something here...
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
I like it. Promises some very interesting things to come!
I agree with Magic Bean's comment about the juxposition of Amalia's description isn't quite right with the dialog, though.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yeah, I'd like to see this too. Do make sure that you describe her tone of voice in the same paragraph that her voice is heard, people expect that.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Thanks all. If I changed the line in question to be like this, would that fix it? --- "Yes, Max." He could picture the rigid posture that went with the tone in Amalia's voice.
"Let me repeat what I just heard. Trolls have shut down the aluminum plant construction and you want to redo the plans to appease them?" ---
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Hmmm...since it is a little early in the dialogue, you might want to recast it so that Amalia (or her voice) is the actor in this sentence. Making her tone the subject would be good because you don't want to give Amalia POV status or anything like that.
But such questions aside, the change you present probably fixes it.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
You mean something like... ---- "Yes, Max." The tone in Amalia's voice carried the image of her rigid posture. Max could picture the way she straightened up when was serious.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yeah, something like that. But with a bit more punch, and in one line rather than two.
quote:The stiff tone of Amalia's voice warned Max to avoid joking around.
Really, you could work yourself to death over this line. There is no such thing as "correct" sometimes, there is merely "not wrong". My opinion is that you're well on the side of "not wrong" (or at least, "not horribly wrong") by now. Until you've got the plot in place, "not horribly wrong" is good enough
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
This sounds like fun. It looks like the trouble with Amelia's line is under control, so I'll refrain from comment, and just ask to be included when you're ready for readers.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Ready for readers. It's still first draft, but I could really use feedback.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Ah. Well then, we'll see just how ready you are.
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
I like the adjustments you've made to the opening. Send it over, and I'll take a peek.
Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :
Love to. Send it over.
Posted by xarius (Member # 2168) on :
If you still need someone, you can send it my way.
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
I'd like to read, although if I don't get it before Monday (ie. NaNo), you may not get a very timely reply.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
It's on its way.
No worries, GZ, I don't know if I'll have time to do revisions till after NaNoWriMo anyway.
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
I'd like to read it, but I don't know how quick I can get you a critique.
