Hatrack River Writers Workshop: in media res

This is topic in media res in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :

Here is the first 13~ lines of a story that I'm working on that starts in the very middle of the action. If you want to shred this part by all means, do so. If you'd like even more to shred (I have two pages right now) either say so or e-mail me.

Jon

Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :

I'd love to see how you plan on starting this, but someone stole your 13 lines!! Ack!

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

That happened to me once! Then they replaced the brilliant work I had created with something by a total hack! Oh well.

Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :

Sorry, I didn't get quite enough sleep last night so...yeah.

Jon

P.S. I almost just did it again.

When the horse and his rider came charging down the dirt road, kicking up a plume of dust a dozen fathoms high, the lookout knew that something had gone horribly wrong. It was plainly evident in the way that the man was riding the poor animal. It looked as if both would trip any second and plow into the packed earth. As the man moved within range of the bowmen standing watch he lifted his fist into the air and curved his index finger into a hook. The anxious men lowered their bows and let him ride through the narrow ravine and into the encamped valley.

Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :

<When the horse and his rider came charging down the dirt road, kicking up a plume of dust a dozen fathoms high, the lookout knew that something had gone horribly wrong.>

I'm a little put off by starting with the word "when." It starts me in the middle of the action, but the word demands fairly immediate explanation.

A dozen fathoms is just a touch over 72 feet. That seems an improbable distance upwards for a horse's hoof to raise dust.

"Evident" means "Easily seen or understood; obvious." Therefore, "plainly evident" is redundant. I would recommend using "plain" or "evident" but not both.

<It looked as if both would trip any second and plow into the packed earth>
I don't understand this imagery. Are you implying that the rider is slumped in the saddle and that the horse has an unsteady canter? Or that the rider is bent low against the horse's neck and the horse is stretched out in a full gallop? Or is the rider inept, bouncing in the saddle and making the horse to buck in stride?

<The the anxious men>
This seems to break POV because it comments on the internal mental state of the guards. Everything else you describe (the dust plume, the horsemanship) can be directly observed by the POV character. Anxiety cannot--it can only be inferred from the guard's behavior.

[This message has been edited by J (edited October 21, 2004).]

Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :

I thought it worked. I was intrigued. That paragraph alone is not so in the middle of the action that it can't make sense. It's more a harbring that something is changing.

I do expect to get some information about what is going on with the rider very quickly, and assume I'm going to get set into a POV character (The lookout? If so, he needs a name.)

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

Great place to start, IMO. The rider can make a report and give a whole grundle of background information without making it sound like an info dump.

Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :

dj, that's the plan actually, although the information he gives sort of opens up even more questions.

J - Very good points, just some of the many problems I always have when I start writing something.

Anybody so far want to read more?

Jon

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

Sure, I'd read more.

Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :

Love to, if only to find out why that rider was pushing that poor horse so hard. : )

Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :

it's been sent

Jon

Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :

I was curious to see how you tackle the starting in the middle thing, and I think you've done well. It definitely has me wanting more.

There were a couple of things that didn't really fit for me.

quote:
...kicking up a plume of dust a dozen fathoms high...

Like J, I thought this height seemed odd when I first read it.

"Plainly evident" didn't bother me much until it was pointed out, but it is a bit redundant.

---

If I had time I'd ask for more, but I already owe some other crits. Good luck with the rest.

Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :

I'll read more.

Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :

I like the opening point.

The "fathoms" threw me, as I would associate this with sea and therefore depth rather than height.

Also, so far no one here as a name, so we have no one to identify with as readers. For example, who is the lookout? Is this from his point of view?

I'll take a look if you like (but apologise in advance that I may be a little slow to get back to you)