Inspired by Mary Robinette's story, I checked out The First Line, and here's what I came up with.
I'm looking for readers for the whole thing, but comments on this part are welcome, too. The full piece is 900 words.
The inside was dark. Outside, the light is too bright. I squint and blink against the sun. The sky is almost white with the heat, and I can't tell where the land turns into water turns into sky. I stumble, and Daedalus puts his hand on my shoulder to steady me. "Careful," he says. "You don't want to fall." I shrug his hand off my shoulder. Gulls soar in the air above us, and I can smell the sea. Daedalus grunts. "Touchy," he says, but he is in a good mood because we are escaping, so he doesn't say anything else. He lets go of me and walks over to the pile near the edge of the cliff.
I first went into the labyrinth to get away from Daedalus. After he fell asleep, I grabbed the key from its hiding place, threw some bread and fruit into a bag, and slipped away. I ran down the corridors until I found the great iron gate. Daedalus would never look for me there - and if he did, he'd never find me. No, that wasn't true, he built the labyrinth, he knew every twisted passage - but it would take him days to find me, and something else might find him first.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
I'd be willing to give it a whirl. But I do warn you, launching into flashback so early in the story tells me that you may not have started at the best point. I know the first line restricts that somewhat, but it does stand out as a concern.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
I'ld like to read it.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
I think I can handle 900 words this week. Send it over.
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
I'd be willing to give it a look.
Posted by Lorien (Member # 2037) on :
I've got time to give it a read if you are still looking for people.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Based on all the really excellent feedback I got here, I've made a bunch of revisions to this story. Anyone willing to take a look at the new version? Fresh eyes would be particularly welcome. It's 1200 words now.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Sure Beth, send it my way.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Thanks!
Posted by Michaelpfs (Member # 2209) on :
This one caught my attention. If you still need someone for your new version I'd like to take a look.
Just a question, was the first line given as a prompt? Probably a dumb ?, but I'm new a rather slow sometimes.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
thanks, it's on its way. and yep, the first line is a prompt. see www.thefirstline.com.
not a stupid question at all! i asked the same question just before I wrote this piece.
Posted by Snowman (Member # 2204) on :
Looks good. I'd like to take a look if you still want feedback.
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
I had a comment or two about the version as posted, but they may well be moot in light of your revisions. I'd be delighted to take a look at the story, if you're still looking for readers.
